Wednesday 19 December 2012

Mooooving Forward!

I realise I haven't written in a very, very long time. Its December, and nearly Christmas! I'm very excited, I think Christmas is my very favourite time of year... I hope it treats you all well!
So, I started school full time again in September! It's going quite well, I took my mocks recently... C in Maths, U in Religious Education (don't ask why I failed soo badly, I don't even know...), D in Chemistry (or an E, I can't remember, but I think it's a D) and an A in my Biology! I try to focus on the A in Biology and just hide from the rest of the big red or green marks on the other papers... The scary marks of my future all just on some pieces of paper! Arghhh!
So, anyway. My life has been kind of hectic recently, all revision and school and illness and teenage angst/drama. It's good to be back, haha.
I'd kind of forgotten just how stressful teenage life is... I remember at the beginning of term, half the time I was just screaming "I want to be at home, hiding under the covers!!" in my head, while I tried to get back into timetables, and controlled assessments and the worst of all... EARLY MORNINGS!!
I guess it's a good kind of stressful, not the kind that makes me want to rip my eyes out of their sockets and lie in a cardoard box in the rain kind of stressful... more a kind of normal stressful. Like, a stressful that I NEED to experience. Keeps my head clear, if that makes sense.
 So, big news. I had my three monthly scans in November, and then got called back... They might'e found something again. It's no real biggie, it could be absolutely nothing! They're just checking! And even if it IS something, its just the same thing over again... well, with a few different things, of course. Ah, Life. Thou art a cold hearted wench when thou wants to be...
I've discovered ear cuffs. Which are basically teeny cuffs (of all sorts of gorgeous patterns and shapes) that clip onto the top of the ear. So my ear is quite red at the top from wearing them too much. They pinch a bit, but they look so cool!
I also am loving "The Power of Love", and although I do love the Gabrielle Aplin version, I have a soft spot for the old Frankie Goes to Hollywood original... But I have both of them, for whatever mood I happen to be in. Make Love your goal, y'all! I hope you're all enjoying Christmas, and that you all get what you wish for!
Lots of love to all you beautiful human beings,
(Im not Bald anymore so changing it to Teenager) Befuddled, and in the Christmas spirit, Teenager!
Mwah! xoxo
 

Saturday 25 August 2012

"Am I strong too? Maybe, but not always."

I always find it funny how people can say how amazing a person is- but never truly know why. Or say 'poor you' and not know why or how that person deserves their pity. And not WANT to know, at that.
I was reading a piece on Sonia Rykiel, a French designer who has Parkinson's and a very inspiring woman- and there was a small paragraph which I found the most inspiring and one I could strangely relate to. Hodgkins is nothing like Parkinson's- it's a longer disease and harder one and I am in awe of the brave people that go through it with hope and optimism... and of course I am inspired by her determination and hope and ability to be so normal in a situation that isn't normal!

Anyway, this is what she said;
"What I don't like is when they say: "Oh, isn't she fantastically brave?" I'm not brave, I'm not fantastic. I'm like any other woman. I'm unhappy. I'm difficult. I'm sad. Am I strong, too? Maybe, but not always. There are days when I don't want to see anyone. The most important thing you learn? You can live with it."

And she said later on in the article as well-
"My ambition? For everything to go on like it is right now. I have no regrets in life, and you know what? If I could, I'd go back and do it all again."

And in a funny way- I think I would too... I mean- I know it was a horrible, horrific, scary, painful, scarring experience but it left me with such a different outlook! I look at everything totally differently now! I don't stare in curiosity and surprise at people who are disabled or different looking because I know what it's like to be stared at like that...And I say what I think is wrong because if I don't I'll regret it and Life is for living, not shying away and conforming to the crowd.

'Life is too short.' I'm not too sure about that phrase...I don't know exactly whether Life is too SHORT or too LONG yet...I guess its different for all different people...

I start school again full time in September...I'm as nervous as if I was starting an entirely new school...I mean, I have to fit in two years of GCSE's in one and I somehow have to manage to get into school EVERY SINGLE DAY without collapsing in utter exhaustion... I am scared, and nervous...but its not whether I CAN do it anymore...it's how much will it hurt me to do it.
And well, I don't know the answer...so I guess we'll just have to see won't we!

Much Love, [and hope you are all well],
Befuddled and entirely obsessed with Batman and has actually ordered the comics and has the box set, not so bald and red haired Baldy <3 xoxo

P.S- Thank you to Phoebe, Matt, Becky and Laura for being there for me at my MRI, you are THE best friends and I will love you all until the end of time <3

P.P.S- Oh, and by the way- I've been given the all clear. I'M BETTER. :)






 

Friday 10 August 2012

"These words are my own From my heart flow I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you There's no other way To better say I love you, I love you..."

I got to thinking today, well- more like remembering, really... Just about all the awesome times I've had with my friends...because I'm meeting up with becs and feebs tomorrow and I was Getting to think about my favourite memories with all my friends...! So, here they are! 
So, let start with the boys...
Matt H; the time when Alistair and I gave you 'water' and you spat it out EVERYWHERE!! Or in Mr Flacks lesson when you almost got my special metallic pens confiscated because you were doodling with them! :')
Matt N; the time I massacred two spiders in one lesson with your diary and you called me a spider murderer (in a nice way)! :') 
Ben; the Belgium trip in year nine when you said I looked like a jellybean in my raincoat and I said you looked like Harry Potter in yours... :')
Joe; the time when I jumped next to you (LIKE A NINJA) to get a picture with you and you didn't realise until seconds later when We'd already taken it and you ran away! Heehee, who ever heard of a milky bar kid who likes fruit pastilles ahaha ;') 
Alistair; the time we drank all the 'J2o' and kept giggling about nothing!
Tom; the La Fosca trip in year 9 when you kept doing that really funny big brother voice impression to everyone who walked by! :')
Edd; when you tried to explain the whole 911 conspiracy theory to me and I was clueless but tried to pretend that I got it so I didn't seem too dumb... :') 
Toby; When we had a long discussion about the rainbow stegosaurus and gingers and unicorns and acted like it was the most natural thing in the whole entire world (THEY ARE REAL!) :')

And now for my wonderful girlies!
Thea; the time we threw minuscule pebbles at people walking by from your bedroom window but only managed to actually hit on person, on the back- and they barely felt it...but we ducked dramatically every time anyway! :')
Laura; the time we went to the marina and the diamonds concert and a girl came up to me when I was wearing an obvious wig and told me how much she liked my dyed hair, and then going home and playing the game of life and talking until half 4 in the morning when you had to get up at 8! :')
Eleanor; in English all last year when we had to do an interview with a famous person and we chose Jennifer Aniston for her role in Marley and Me...and neither of us had seen it all the way through and just had to wing it with some of the info or just use Wikipedia :') 
Peebs; That day we went to London Zoo and laughed at the penguins, and giggled at the meerkats and 'awww'd at the seals...and how I was mesmerised by the fact you had your own debit card and thought you could buy the whole shop if you wanted too (turns out you couldn't...) :')
Becs; the time we went to the races all dressed up and it poured down with rain but we got a free goodie bag and had our heels sink in the mud, and when we first got there it was raining so much we just bought some crisps and chocolate and hid in the human part of the horse box away from the rain to eat them! :')

That's about it! If theres anyone I've missed; I'm sorry but I'd didn't know you read this... x

Anyhoo, all is pretty much okay here...please keep praying for Bridie and Daune! And just keep praying! And keep praying some more! Or send your thoughts out to them! Depending on your religion :) 
They will be missed, I know that <3

Much love, Befuddled and back from cornwall AND REALLY NOT SO BALD BUT INSTEAD A VIBRANT RED HEAD Baldy <3 x x x

Monday 6 August 2012

Hurting...

So many people dying, so much death... I don't see how so much pain and suffering yet so much happiness and love can all fit into just one planet. Then again, I guess you can't really have one without  the other, can you?

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 

So what if I'm a different person? As so many people take such joy in pointing out to me...
Yes, I'm bitter, cynical, less tolerant and slightly more sharp tongued than I used to be...but you try going through what I went through and come out of it the exact same person you were before!
Explain to me, why? That's all I can think about...if there is someone watching over me...why would he let this happen? Why would he let me lose almost everything? Why would he do this to anyone? Not just me...

I was having an, um, argument with a friend...and that friend didn't understand how you can feel alone yet not be alone (as a lot of people don't understand).
I mean, sometimes I feel a bit like I'm surrounded by people who are trying so hard to help me and understand...but they just..can't. And I so badly want them to be able to help but I can't help what I feel... It's not like this thing has a booklet, or some kind of script that I'm meant to follow! I feel like even the safest places of my mind are being invaded by the demons that are my thoughts... 
Sometimes it's just so overwhelming! I don't get how so much frustration and anger at the world can fit into one girls brain! 
I hate the uncertainty!
I hate the fact I can't do what everybody else around me can!
I hate that people judge me, yet they don't get what I've been through!
I hate the fact I see people smoking every day and know what it's like to get the end outcome and know I didn't have a choice but these people did! 
I hate being pushed until I break!
I hate feeling weak, and unable!
I hate being pitied, like I'm abnormal!
And I hate feeling so frustrated!!
But none of that is going to change, no matter how many people tell me I'll be back to normal soon. I'll always be 'that girl who had cancer'. 
What is the definition of normal anyway?! Who gets to decide what's normal and what isn't? Why should you be normal just because you blend in to the background?
And why is it such a crime to speak your mind? Why is it so bad to try to show someone they're making a bad choice? Why is changing a crime? I won't change myself for anyone. Not even the 'new me'...I have lived this life being who I am, and I'm not going to change that just because a couple of people don't like who I've become. 
You call me selfish. And yeah, I guess I have become a bit selfish. But that's what happens when you're forced into survival mode. 
But you know what? YOU'RE the selfish one for not stepping back just one minute and thinking maybe, JUST maybe I might be totally torn up or broken on the inside....and stopping to think maybe you should just leave me alone this time. That maybe there's a reason I'm so upset and it's not just me being irrational. That you shouldn't take such a straight approach to things all the time, and that maybe I'm not being "inconsiderate", I'm trying to speak my mind even though I know it may be a bit harsh. And believe me, I wouldn't if I knew it was ridiculous. And just because I have concerns does not have some secondary meaning like I must be messed up in the head, or I love you, or I'm having a bad day and taking it out on you.
So, next time. Think. Because believe it or not- I stop and think about things before I say them to you. Theres lots I haven't said.

(that wasn't all about one person...just people in general. So sorry about the rant!) 

Anyway, sad and serious now. I would please like you all a prayer or send your thoughts out for Bridie and Daune. Two wonderful, inspiring people who both died in the last couple of weeks. I KNOW they're in a better place now, and I loved them both dearly though I didn't see them as often as I would of liked because of circumstances... RIP, I hope one day we will all see each other again.

Much love, befuddled and frustrated but now red haired, Baldy <3 x x 

P.S- this blog is now for Becky and Phoebe...who are my angels and who, without, I would have crumbled and gave in long ago... and who, both, are the closest to understanding than anyone in my life... And who have been there when I've cried and not cared if I've gotten mascara on their shoulders, and have stuck up for me even if they thought I was wrong because they knew I was hurting...I love you both and I do not know what I would do without you...You are BRILLIANT<3 x x x x


Wednesday 25 July 2012

"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness."

"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness." Sam Francis

"And introduce an element of cynicism and darkness into it and just realize that we're all vulnerable. We are humans. There is a finite end to this life and we're all going to face it and a little silliness can help." Alan Thicke


I guess as things get a bit better, my anxieties rise...I think it's because the better I get, the more relaxed I get; The higher I have to fall. 
Okay, people say that facing up and admitting your fears so I guess this could be a post about my ridiculous phobias! 

1. Arachnophobia- I HATE spiders, they have too many legs and creepy eyes and fangs...
2. Eremikophobia- I hate sand possibly more than I hate spiders...I hate the way it sticks to you. Its weird and creepy and feels HORRIBLE.
3. Ladelphobia- you already know this one, its Ladybugs. They're just unnatural, okay?
4. Achluophobia- Fear of darkness...I don't like it, it's smothering.
5. Agateophobia- Fear of insanity...just because my mind tends to be a bit overactive.
6. Agliophobia- Fear of pain, nearly everyone has this one, exluding masochists and weirdos.

7. Atychiphobia- Fear of failure...again, most people have some form of this...
8. Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored...I want to be remembered, I guess...especially if I die 'before my time'...
9. Autophobia- Fear of being alone... especially at night, for me. I don't like being alone much, I like to feel needed. 
9.  Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes...
10. Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria...this is like number nine- I HATE germs...I reaaally don't like being immuno-supressed. 

11. Cancerophobia or Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer...this one's kind of a given...
12. Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors, mostly either when Im alone or in the dark. I don't mind them half the time...
13. Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces...like MRI's... *shudder*
14. Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed...not SO much anymore...but still. If it wasn't essential, I wouldn't sleep.
15. Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns...come on, they're just plain creepy...past midnight they're just. not. funny! [matt ;) ..]
16. Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons...who isn't scared of demons? Especially our own demons...
17. Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting...inevitable, considering how much throwing up I've done over the past 9-10 months...
18. Hadephobia- Fear of hell...everytime I think of myself dying, I always think about redemption and my mistakes and whether I'll go to Hell. Because although I like reading books about it, I'm really not sure I'd like it as a life choice...Or death choice, if you like..
19. Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination...I hate germs. Eugh.
20. Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things....specifically death, or my own death- or zombies. 
21. Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill...I never want to be ill again...
22. Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams...Dreams are dangerous. 
23. Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays...not x-rays, but radiation causes cancer.
24. Russophobia- Fear of Russians...not being racist. Just a bad experience.
25. Satanophobia- Fear of Satan...only twisted people WOULDN'T fear him..
26. Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows...I don't like them. Especially when you can't tell where it's come from.
27. Somniphobia- Fear of sleep...it's not a good thing, I know. But sleep hasn't exactly given me a real reason to love it. Exept from the fact I need it...
28. Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs...I carry antibacterial gel EVERYWHERE.
29. Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying...like number 20, but actually dyING this time rather than just death.
[From here on I don't know the names of them...sorry!]
30. I am scared of disappointing people too much
31. I am scared of changing who I am into someone people don't like, or don't like as much. Or I'm worried that I've already changed...
32. I am scared of even numbers...don't even ask, I just can't stand them.
33. I'm scared of not knowing whats going to happen. I like to be in control.
Thats all I can think of right now... haha, ALL. 

I am soo superstitious, also...I HAVE to nod, and make the people with me nod, seven times whenever I see a lone magpie. I HAVE to wear black socks on Friday 13th. I HAVE to have as many odd numbers in my life rather than even. Even numbers freak me out.

I have probably shared waaay too much information, but hey- maybe this'll come in handy to my enemies *wink wink*!

Anyway, sorry it took so long to write, I feel a bit empty at the moment. Especially of inspiration.
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and really not so bald anymore Baldy <3 xoxo


PS- This piece is dedicated to two people...
1. Matt Hunter ;), an awesome friend who deserves a lot more than a Phobias post dedicated to him :')
2. Peebs Allsopp, who is also legendary and who I have always relyed on to just be crazy with me ;)
-Both of these I can forget the world with and just let go, but they also listen to me when I break down or when I complain or just when I need them...So for that I am eternally grateful...Thank you- and I would do the same for either of you, I promise :) <3 Love you guys!









































































Wednesday 4 July 2012

Adjusting the Sails

"The Pessimist complains about the wind;
The Optimist expects it to change;
The Realist adjusts the sails."

I slam the upstairs window shut with a little too much force and a pain shoots through my finger and up my arm. I wince, and shake it out a bit, before collapsing on my parents King Size bed next to me, stomach first.
With a deep sigh, I roll onto my back and stare out at the moon outside. Tonight, it's a full yellow circle against a dark, navy sky. It's not yet quite pitch dark, even though its ten o'clock.
I close my eyes and imagine myself a sleek female werewolf, leaping out of the window and bounding off up the gallops outside our house- maybe even snacking on a horse or two.
I skip through the green fields, my eyes like nocturnal goggles- seeing anything and everything.
I feel the brambles scratch at my fur, pebbles fly up and hit me but I lift my head to the full, yellow moon- my eyes widening in awe and then narrowing wickedly. I was going to kill tonight. The sky grumbles stormily and I slip through the trees, silent and deadly- stalking fluffy, innocent sheep.
I growl furiously as I jump forward, my teeth spreading into a wolfy grin. Mid air, I find myself falling, pain shooting through my chest. What is this? I look down, searching for a stab wound, a dart, a silver bullet- anything! But there's nothing there...and as another pain shoots through- I jerk back to the real world, and my real life. Hissing, I sit up quickly and clutch my chest- panic rising in every inch of my body.
"You're okay, you're okay..." I whisper, but I didn't even fool myself. Still, I felt a bit better as the pain subsided. I look at Truffle, who had barely moved a muscle through it all.
"Selfish cat." I mutter, turning the light off, and head downstairs.
Taking one last envious look at the moon, I head towards the bathroom.
Wiping the cold water from my face, I look at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror- wondering how the hell all of this happened.
The cancer, then the leg problems...I turn away from the sad girl looking back at me, nothing like the powerful werewolf woman I had imagined.
Sighing again, I lean against the wall and tip my head back- my thoughts buzzing in my head like a swarm of bees, occasionally stinging when they felt like it.
One jumped out at me, more persistent than the rest. The Queen Bee, I guessed.
The chest pains, the night sweats, the snappy mood swings...the sadness. All my old symptoms were starting to come back...
'It's just the aftermath of chemo.' Positive me reassured me.
'The cancer's back- you're dying!!!' Negative me screamed frantically.
'Get it checked out, just in case. But don't get worked up about it.' Realist me murmurs softly. I ignore them all and choose to do what I always do with all my problems. Pretend they're not there until I absolutely can't ignore them any further.
Kicking the bathroom wall in frustration, I take a deep breath and put a smile on my face. The first attempt looks hysterical, so I tone it down a bit and head downstairs.
Bursting into the family room, and seeing noone in there, my facial muscles spring back into a frown and I flop onto the sofa, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Knackered, I let my eyes drift shut and try to forget all my stress- if just for now.

Much Love,
Befuddled and ABSOLUTELY KNACKERED [but attempting to fight through the tiredness] Baldy <3 xoxo








Sunday 24 June 2012

"I try to laugh about it...hiding the tears in my eyes.."

"Teenage Dreams, so hard to follow,
the broken hearts, the shattered chances,
the lumps of tears so hard to follow."

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed." Buddha.
I disagree [no offence, Buddha]. In life, you need fear to remind you that you are human. It is only when it consumes you, when you cannot sleep- when you find yourself internally screaming in pain and fear- only then does it make you weak. Being weak is nothing to be ashamed of...it shows us that we have flaws- we're not robots.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' " Eleanor Roosevelt
I guess that applies to me. Its just the looking the fear in the face AFTER the experience that I'm struggling with. What if it comes back? What if Im not accepted properly? Are people looking at me? Are people judging me? So many thoughts, all going through my mind at once- creeping into every crevice. I guess I'll just have to get over it, train myself to stop. But its harder than it sounds, not easy when its what you're thinking 24/7.
More later, Much Love,

Befuddled and scared, to be honest Baldy <3 xoxo










Thursday 14 June 2012

My Poetry Post! :)

Hey,
I've been writing some poetry and I wanted to shaare it! :) Its super depressing, but oh well.
This is just the first draft, and it's not that good...I need to edit and tweak it a bit...
Soo...Don't judge!

Balance, Balance
Looming over me
Holding the broken pieces
Of my sanity


Excuses, Excuses
Only having fun
Bitter taste of regret
Now I'm the guilty one


Silence, Silence
Calling out your name
Waiting, watching
But you never came


Tapping, Tapping
Of my fingertips
Excuses, apologies
Coming from your lips


But I'm all gone now
And it's your fault
You ask me how
But you never came.

Okay, so that was the first one. Now comes the darker second one.

Shadows, shadows
Whispering in my ear
Shadows, shadows
Feeding on my fear


Running, running
Always running to stand still
From all of those
Who would want to kill


Dreaming, dreaming
Always screaming
Frightening, frightening
Struck by lightening


Falling, falling
From under my feet
Darkness calling
Looking for fresh meat


Never thinking, always dreaming
Wake me up from this screaming
Empty eyes, empty soul
Fire inside, burns like coal.

Now I'm a little scared of posting it...These make me look a bit of a gothic weirdie...
Oh well....Hope you all are well!

Much Love,
Befuddled and worried about your opinions, but tell the truth or I won't be able to learn from my mistakes!!, Baldy <3 xoxo

Wednesday 13 June 2012

The Creepy Comic Co.

Hey everyone,
This is just a short one!
I would like you all to check out this:

      http://www.olduns.blogspot.co.uk/

Its my crazy, creepy aunt and her equally creepy boyfriend [who looks a bit like Draco Malfoy]- and the blog is slightly creepy and a little weird and A LOT quirky, but is surprisingly enjoyable and thoroughly entertaining!!
Just take a look, and tell me what you think!! She's a budding young film producer/writer/artist, and is AMAZING!! Love you Binne ;)

Much Love,
Befuddled and guilty that she isnt writing more about her day [BUT WILL FILL YOU ALL IN SOON!!] Baldy <3 xoxo

Wednesday 6 June 2012

Ego Tibi Maximus Gratias Ago

I was watching that programme; 24 Hours in A and E- and there were some really touching things said by not only the relatives- but by the Nurses and Doctors too. And some of the things they said really reminded me of my own situation.
A sweet one was a little girl was being wheeled in on a stretcher looking confused, scared and in a fair deal of pain. And her Dad held her hand and said: "You're going to be all right. You know what happens when things are bad? Daddys here." Reminded me of my own Father... Love you Dadda, and Im so glad that although Im 15, Im still your little girl <3 ...
And of course my own Mother- who I swear must be an Angel. Or at least some kind of amazing mythical creature, because I do not know of a braver, more inspiring woman. And quite honestly I have no idea how she has done everything that she has. She truly is a super woman. And I love her dearly, and think she deserves the most wonderful year to come- full of treats and relaxation!
      And then a nurse said about two minutes later on the programme; "...and you're really sick, and all you can think about is 'Am I going to live, am I going to die?'. Silly things go out the window, and ultimately whats important is realised: That you're loved. And that you are not alone."
That got me thinking. I don't think I ever truly said Thank You to all of you. Because throughout all of this, all of you- no matter what part of the world you were in- sent your love and good wishes and support, and to be quite honest without all of that; I couldn't have done it. A big Thank you to my Fabulous Grandma and Grandad who have been there throughout almost all of this and who we couldnt have done without- thank you so much for putting your lives on hold to help with everything. We are so so grateful to you and love you very, very much!! From the Neaves in New Zealand, to my Dad and his wonderful colleages in Qatar [Ghada, Haya, Sean, Manal and Ebtesam and Lucy especially], to all the Pupils and teachers of St Benedicts in Suffolk, to the Hingstons and McGanns in Essex to the Robertsons in St Albans, to the MacManamons [A huge thank you to everyone in Ireland who have all sent so much love and support. We really are grateful and couldnt have done it without you] to the Ericksons, Adlemans and Swyers in America- and EVERYONE else [there are WAY, WAY too many to name]:
                                                   
     THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR GETTING ME THROUGH THIS. Because I honestly would NOT have been able to do this without you. I owe you my life, in a way. Or at the very least my sanity and peace of mind.

I just wanted to say that, now that is all over. Because it is. I had my hickman line removal operation today and I now am as normal as Im ever going to be. I am SO relieved...a little bit nervous as I AM quite scared it might come back...but I can't live my life in fear of this disease so I am trying to work through it and think positively!
One other Thank You I must issue is to the huge Medical Team who SAVED MY LIFE.
It started off with Dr Gupta and Dr Silverston- two of THE most amazing GP's EVER...without whom I would never have been diagnosed, and also everyone at Oakfield Surgery in general for all your help and cooperation. Then theres Dr Birgit [Im sorry if I spelt it wrong], a paediatrician at Addenbrookes who sent me for the scans that diagnosed me. Then there is the radiotherapy team at Addenbrookes [I had mainly Laressa, Orla, Fiona, Michelle and Sophie] and they were AMAZING...along with the master blaster Nina, the chief Radiotherapy consultant Dr Mike Williams and his wonderful registrar Dr Izzy Maund [sorry about spelling...!] who REALLY helped with my sickness and I couldnt have done it without them.
And then the WONDERFUL nurses at PDU [Claire S, Joan, Suzanne, Zoe, Claire, Maria, Jenny and all the other wonderful nurses- Im sorry I couldnt name you all!]. Not to forget the WONDERFUL Play Leaders...Judith, Carol, Angela and Karen- all lovely ladies!! [And of course Beryl and Halina who were always there and friendly...] A shout out aswell to all the wonderful and amazing nurses on C2 Ward, who are truly amazing and who really looked after me whenever I was there. And Mick the chef on C2 Ward... And I would also like to shout out to the lovely staff on the Day Surgery Ward who I only met once today, but who made the operation to get the hickman line out an overall pleasant experience, which is weird because it's an op! Thank you also- [wow, so many Thank you's!]- to Maggie the education lady who gave me endless wordsearches and crosswords when I asked and kept my brain from turning completely to mush while I was in hospital!! And also thank you to Angela the psychologist, who I was adittedly sceptical about but who turned out to be a great help and managed to cool some of my anger and anxiety and calm me down a great deal after chemo and during radio- when I most needed it. So thank you...
And then of course all fantastic nurses at West Suffolk Hospital- Pregnant Liz [sorry..], Other Liz, Rachel, Lorraine, Hazel, Julia, Rebecca, Jo, Jess, Stacey...and Im sure many, many others but Im not THAT good with names....And of course my AMAZING community nurses Steph Rolf [is that how you spell it? Sorry...!] and the fabulous Jo Rackham who will be sorely missed as a community nurse...Even though Ive finished treatment... And not to forget Melanie Clements, who got to deal with me unfortunately when I wasnt in the most pleasant of moods [sorry about that..]. Thank you to my wonderful surgical team- mainly Dr Claire Jackson, for managing to reach my tumour without moving and messing around with my ribs- and giving me such clean scars. And thank you to my anaesthetists, who sent me to sleep so nicely- and woke me up in an equally pleasant manner... And thank you to Jodie, who always managed to find ways to achieve my stupid requests about surgery or wheelchairs- Thank you...

Now come the Oncologists. A HUGE thank you to; Dr Richard and Dr Karina the registrars, Dr Boo Messabel [who tried desperately to find an effective anti-emetic but to no avail, and to whom I am grateful to for even searching after so many failed attempts. Thank you..], Dr Ramya Ramanujachar [who left Addenbrookes but was there for over a quarter of my treatment and really helped me], Dr Mike Gattens [helped me briefly when I was in a state after radiotherapy, and was absolutely lovely], and of course my wonderful and probably really exasperated main oncologist who is most likely relieved I am through with treatment so I can't pop up with some other ridiculous side effect to moan at him for [wink wink]- Dr James Nicholson. Thank you, James- especially for not slapping of pinching me when I came whining and whinging with yet ANOTHER stupid side effect or anxious round of questions... Second to last, I would like to thank the FANTASTIC Dr Katherine Piccinelli, who always managed to come up with efficient, effective plans that really suited me...and didnt mind that I detested sedatives- or REALLY didnt show it if she did. And who also managed to find a couple of drugs, always went through side effects with me and is not only one of the nicest doctors I know- but is also one of the nicest people. And I know she was very comforting to my Mum too, which is nice... And I haven't forgotten the lovely Dr Amos Burke, who I didnt particuarly like initially as he got the unfortunate job of breaking the news...but am a HUGE fan of now- and who I have to say is one of the wisest Doctors I know, has been right about EVERYTHING [minus the MST...] and to whom I owe my life. I will never forget what all of you above people have done for me- and I just wanted you to know just how much I respect what you do, and how you do it. Truly, these past nine months have really and truly restored all my faith in Humanity and I owe you all not only my sanity, my life now- but for years to come, all the things that I will do and be able to do...I will be able to do them because of what you did for me these last nine months. I could go on and on, but I think you get what Im trying to say...

I love you all...and am truly humbled for what all of you have done for me...Friends, Family, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, Teachers...and even Strangers.... There may not be hocus pocus magic in this world....but there is certainly magic in the way a human being loves another human being....
[That sounded cringingly cheesy... ;) ..]

Much love to you all....
Befuddled, humbled and never been happier to be alive, Baldy <3 xoxo


Monday 4 June 2012

Ladelphobia: Fear of Ladybirds! ;)

First of all- I would like to thank everyone for sending me Birthday wishes [I cannot believe I forgot that in my last post, I am so sorry!] and also in general for all the love and kindness people have shown throughout all of this. I would also like to thank Sean Groenewald (Im really sorry if I spelt it wrong!) for the amazing Zulu beaded badge he got for me. Although I am not actually in possession of it [YET] I already feel much safer and loved...especially by the Zulus. Even though, admittedly, all I know of the Zulus is that they're South African? But thank you...it's gorgeous! And as soon as Dad is able to give it to me- I shall put it on my shirt! Well...shirts. I don't just own one shirt...that would be kind of gross...And actually, they're Dads shirts because mine don't quite fit and aren't as comfy. And Mums are too girly [and not as plain, in a good way].

Okay, well. Today I'm going to write a more factual post. About me. I was reading through my blog posts, and discovered that although I do write constantly about myself [selfless is not a word in the Lily-Dictionary] I have not actually said anything about my character in great detail. So I thought now is as good a time as any- especially since it's my sixteenth year and things have changed.

Full Name: LILY WILHELMINA ANDERSON
Date of Birth: 28-05-1997
Star sign: GEMINI
Parents: MARK P. ANDERSON AND ISEULT A.H. ANDERSON
Siblings: LUCY I. ANDERSON
Favourite colour: DUCK EGG BLUE/ TURQUOISE/ RED
Favourite Food: HAS A NEW FOUND A NEW OBSESSION FOR POTATO WAFFLES, BUT REALLY LIKES CRAB CAKES AND SCAMPI ALSO
Favourite drink: HOT MILK [ORANGE J20, GINGER ALE OR SUNNY D ARE ALSO HIGH UP]
Favourite animal: IS STILL A TOSS UP BETWEEN FROGS AND OWLS
Least Favourite colour: SLUDGE BROWN
Least Favourite food: PICKLE, BEETROOT, OCTOPUS, SQUID, ANY KIND OF ANIMALS INTESTINES OR BLACK PUDDING TYPE THING
Least Favourite drink: SMOOTHIES- THEY'RE WEIRD.
Least Favourite animal: LEOPARD SEALS, KILLER WHALES, SWANS, SHARKS OR LADYBUGS. THEY'RE ALL CREEPY.
Dream job: WRITER, IDEALLY- BUT 'TIS UNREALISTIC
Achievement most proud of: BEATING CANCER!
Biggest Fear: THAT THE ABOVE WILL COME BACK....OR SPIDERS.
Hobbies: WRITING, SWIMMING, READING, ARTY STUFF AND HORSE RIDING
Favourite TV programme: MADE IN CHELSEA/ COME DINE WITH ME [DONT ASK...]
Favourite movie: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU [with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles] FOLLOWED BY ROMEO AND JULIET [claire danes/leonardo dicaprio]
Favourite actor: HEATH LEDGER OR JOHNNY DEPP
Favourite actress: JULIA STILES OR SANDRA BULLOCK
Celeb crush: FOR ACTORS(Johnny Depp....or a young Heath Ledger [maybe Channing Tatum or Liam Hemsworth]) ---- FOR MUSIC(Brendon Urie for sure..)
Favourite BOY band: THE BEATLES [Although I do love me some P!ATD...(Panic!At the Disco)]
Favourite Band: THE BEATLES, P!ATD, PARAMORE, MUSE, THE HOOSIERS
Favourite singer: REALLY LIKING KATE BUSH ATM...AND BOB MARLEY...AND EMILE SANDE...
Embarrassing crush: DONT LOOK HIM UP BUT LAWRENCE FOX. HES TOTALLY GROSS BUT HAS A NICE PERSONALITY AND IS WEIRDLY MARRIED TO BILLIE PIPER..
Strange or startling: URM...I DONT LIKE SWANS AFTER BEING BITTEN BY ONE ON MY LITTLE FINGER AS A KID WHILE TRYING TO FEED THEM, ANDI FIND LADYBUGS REALLY DISTURBING [THEY FLY AND PEE ON YOU AND HAVE WEIRD BLANK EYES]- ALONG WITH SMOOTHIES [I DONT LIKE THE WAY THEY ARE NOT A FOOD AND NOT A DRINK BUT SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN], HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH 80'S MUSIC, LOVE TO WRITE- ESPECIALLY FICTIONAL STORIES WITH SARCASTIC HEROINES AND HAVE  RECENTLY BECOME A BIT OBSESSED WITH MARIOKART DS. ALSO I CARRY AROUND A FLUFFY SHEEP TOY WHO I HAVE NAMED SHEEPY THE THIRD EVERYWHERE- ALONG WITH TWO FAT GINGER CAT TOYS, A RAG DOLL, A FLUFFY WHITE SEAL, A FAT FLUFFY ALLIGATOR AND A FLUFFY WALRUS. AND I HAVE A GRUMPY PET CAT CALLED TRUFFLE WHO I SUSPECT IS ON THE VERGE OF FELINE DEPRESSION. THE END.

So yeah, thats pretty much me in a nutshell! Although not really because the only nutshell I would fit in is the smallest pub called the Nutshell in Bury. And even then it would be a squeeze...!
Hope everyone is A-Okay, and thank you again for all your love and support!

Much Love,
Befuddled and now very much outed Baldy ;) <3 xoxo

Sunday 3 June 2012

The Sixteenth Year

Okay, wow. I really haven't written for aaaages! Terribly sorry....it's been kind of hectic. So...okay. March...and now its June. Right...well. Dad turned 50, which was fun. We went to Cambridge, and walked around and had a really nice day actually. To be quite honest not much happened until April 14th- which was when I FINALLY finished chemo!! Yaay!! Unfortunately Karma has a obsession with biting me on the arse and as soon as I got excited about chemo finishing I got hit by something called 'Peripheral Neuropathy' which is basically temporary nerve damage [kind of]...Its just another way of m body complaining about the myriad of drugs its been pumped with. So I'm now in a wheelchair and have been since April- although I am decidedly more mobile this week than I have been for a month. And then everything seemed to go downhill from there. I almost completely lost my appetite, and just got more and more nauseous. Mum had her birthday on the 5th of May...a bit of a disaster, really. We went to Kentwell Park [they had a Tudor day thing] and it was NOT wheelchair friendly and it was hellish! And then we went for a meal at 'Ask'...which was awful. And then later on that night, I started throwing up. So we owe Mum a proper Birthday...!! And then on the 8th I started Radio...which was a DISASTER. Believe it or not, I found it worse than chemo. It was more intense, and the sickness was horrendous. I was sick from Thursday until Saturday- and I was throwing up so much that on Saturday they had to take me to Addenbrookes...and then I very slowly got a bit better until Thursday. The Oncologists told me I was well enough to go home and that they were worried I was becoming 'reliant' on the hospital...even though I protested I WASNT well enough. Nevertheless, they sent me home and I was throwing up all night, and the next morning and screaming and crying and generally the worst Ive felt- EVER. And then when we went back into Addenbrookes [I still had to continue with the radio]- Addenbrookes said they had no room. So they sent us to be admitted into West Suffolk, in Bury. They put me on fluids [with extra Potassium] and IV paracetamol because I couldnt keep down ANY pain meds, and IV ondansetron. And then on Saturday Katherine Piccinelli, my paediatrician there, came to see me and put me on IV anti-reflux to help with the acid and IV buscopan to help with the stomach cramps. Saturday was starting to look up...but then on Sunday it all went downhill!! I was awake for 7 hours of the day, and in that time managed to throw up 12/13 times! And then Monday came and I had radio again and that was awful, but we talked to the radio team and they said that they were going to try a new anti-sickness that the oncologists didnt really want me having. Its a steroid-based antisickness and because I was on such a high dose of steroids for chemo they didnt really want me having any more [it can cause osteoporosis later on in life]. But I was reaaaally sick, and to be quite honest it was a miracle drug! By Tuesday evening I was eating again for the first time in two weeks, and drinking more! And then on Thursday I finished radio and felt a lot better than I had in AGES! And staying in West Suffolk was amazing, even though I did have to travel to Addenbrookes every day for radio I actually preferred it because I didnt feel like they wanted to kick me out all the time and I felt very safe and cared for. And Katherine was GREAT, she always comes up with efficient plans of action that suit me and doesnt act like Im difficult when I dont want sedatives!
And then Dadda came home on Thursday, which was nice! And I started getting Birthday cards and presents and I got my appetite back- in a BIG way... And I went home on Sunday...!
On Monday 28th, I turned 15!! I am now in my sixteenth year! It was a pretty laidback day to be honest, because everyone was shattered! But we went to Cambridge so I could look for a Nintendo to buy, and I endedup getting some cuddly toys, a board game and some books with my birthday money. And we got fish and chips [my dinner of choice] for tea, and played board games and watched 'Made in Chelsea'. And I got LOTS of money, and the most GORGEOUS camera from my Mum and Dad and amazing jewellery and wow, just the most amazing range of EVERYTHING!! Including a visit from my Head of Year, Mr Murphy- who dropped off two massive presents from my year which was so, so generous and so, so kind!! And then on Wednesday my friends popped around with presents [and money they had raised for my birthday!]...and THE most amazing, kindest, most tear jerking and yet funniest video I have ever seen! Thank you to everyone for that! So, yeah. Im now half of 30...which is scary but I guess considering everything- pretty amazing that I've made it this far!
After my friends came on Wednesday I was pretty tired, so everyone just chilled and hung out watching TV...and then on Thursday we went out to Prezzo for a meal with Pete and Kath, Mawsie and Chris, Michael and of course my cousin Elliot- who turned 15 on the 29th. Its actually pretty weird because our other cousin- Georgia- who is Pete and Kaths first child, shares the same birthday as Lucy! So if I was born 24 hours later, or Elliot 24 hours earlier- our families kids would have the smae birthdays! Weiiird! Anyhoo. I was stupid and decided that red pesto [which Im not allowed on my immuno-suppressed diet because of the parmesan] couldnt do me any harm in a small quantity. So I had a spicy red pesto pasta. Which was disasterous, as steroids and spicy foods should NOT be mixed....unless you're masochistic. So that night I felt like someone had kicked me several times in the stomach and then fire breathed down my trachea. Pleasant. Not. But on the up side...I had crab cakes to start which tasted amazing! And I had vanilla panacotta for the first time ever for desert and that was amazing! Weird, but amazing- and Mum loved it too! And then on Friday we went to Bury and test drove some cars and then we went into town and I bought stuff from Paperchase [I really LOVE that shop...its an obsession...] and then we went for a walk to Clement Joscelyn, which is closing down, in the hopes to buy some furry christmas reindeer heads but found that it had already been cleared and closed! Disappointing... So to cheer us up and shut up my stomach [steroids..] we stopped off at the pasty shop to get a pasty for me and Dad and a cup of hot potato wedges...and then of course Poundland to buy chocolate buttons and 'Time Out' bars! Yum nom nom...
Saturday was sad...not much happened, and then lots happened. Lucy and Grandma and Granda went to a matinee performance of 'Whistle down the wind' that Lucys friend was in, and I went with Mum to Heathrow to drop Dad off. I wished he didnt have to go, but unfortunately his work needed him. I was even hoping for maybe gale force winds or something so he couldnt fly- but those things only happen when you really DON'T want them to. Grr. On the way back, Mum and I stopped at a service station like we usually do because I really fancied fries. And then felt guilty for eating rubbish so had to go to the mini- Waitrose to buy salad and fruit! And then ended up getting laughing cow cheese aswell! For some weird reason Im really fancying jam doughnuts...but we dont have any. Damn.
Then when we came home we watched the final of the Voice. Bo or Vince should've won, but hey ho. Noone I like ever wins those programmes... Argh. Then today I slept in a bit [till half 10!] and then we went to Pets at Home to get something for Truffle and ended up "ooohing" and "aaahing" over the ridiculously cute bunnies and guinea pigs. And then there were these cute fishes that looked deformed but that was WHY they were cute... :) They were like the pugs of the fish world! Then we went jubilee shopping in the mini Asda and I bought a LOT of Sunny D, and some flumps marshmallows, and ginger ale...and ooh! alphabetti spaghetti! I havent had that since I was a kid so I was sooo happy to find them! So, yom nom nom!! Ooh, and I bought some jubilee antennas!!
And then we came back and we had roast lamb [yum!] and watched the Jubilee flotilla...and then we watched 'Shes the Man' followed by 'Bruce Almighty' and then the tribute to the Queen by Prince Charles...which was so sweet!

You know, Im going to have to rethink this Blog name- Im not so bald anymore!! My hair is coming back...slowly, but it's definitely coming back! And then this Wednesday Im having my hickman line out and after that Im pretty much free! Yay! Ill be able to have a shower and not a horrible, difficult, shallow bath! Yay!! Exciting! Im a little nervous, as I hate anaesthetic or any kind of sedative...but oh well! Its only a little one, and it signifies THE END!! Woop woop- YAY!!

Much Love to you all, I hope some of you are still reading and havent lost interest! So sorry it took so long to write this...

Befuddled Baldy <3 xoxo






Tuesday 20 March 2012

The Insight

Im so sorry that I haven't written. But, I actually have just had nothing to say. I've been waiting for some spark of inspiration but nothing comes. And I still have nothing to say. Im sorry folks.
Life is just...difficult at the moment. Everything seems to just take twice as much effort..and I seem to get less pleasure out of everything. Its kind of sad, but I guess its just cos Im tired.
Im lonely, too. This sounds selfish, but no-one apart from my close family get just how HARD this is for me, and how miserable it all is because they never see it. And I dont even know if they WANT to...
But to whoever is reading this: I dont want your pity, but I DO want you to understand...
Cancer is AWFUL. It is the single hardest, most horrific thing I have ever had to experience. On average, I cry at least once a day. Im in pain almost every second of every day. I get on average three good hours of sleep a night and I haven't been comfortable in six months. I have almost absolutely no dignity left and I have lost all my looks [no matter how many times people tell me im beautiful, I still feel unattractive]. Im lonely, and Im not allowed to do SO many things. I feel abnormal. Hopefully now some of you will see that although I DO put on a brave face and try to act like normal- I am in HELL. There wasn't much point in telling you all of that but I wanted everyone to understand. And no matter how many times people tell me what a brave girl I am- the only reason I am doing this sometimes is because I have NO CHOICE. And for my Mum and Dad.

Anyway, also a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my amazing, wonderful, inspirational Father- who turns the big five-oh tomorrow!! I love you more than words can possibly express, Daddy. Happy Birthday!!!!

Much Love folks,
Befuddled and finding Life more challenging than usual Baldy <3 xoxo

Monday 13 February 2012

Anyone part of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club...?

Well, Im in a slightly better mood than before. Not as sick, and not as miserable. Though getting into the selfish "Why Me?" phase of the illness, I fear...Oh dear.
I wont talk for long, as I have a few Valentines Cards to finish off...wink wink, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has offered me support through the past couple of weeks through the bad news, and the sickness..
And a big thank you to my Mum, Dad, Sister, Grandma and Granda for being AMAZING these past few days and weeks, and months!! Love you all to bits!!
Much Love,
Befuddled and considerably brighter Baldy <3 xoxox

PS; My love to all the lonely Hearts for tomorrow!! ;) I have baked pink cupcakes for my friend and I to scoff our lonely faces with... :)

Saturday 11 February 2012

Hell in a Nutshell.

IM IN MY OWN PERSONAL HELL.
  1. Non stop vomiting
  2. Misery
  3. No escape
  4. Endless pain
So, thats my week. Hope you are all well.
Befuddled and absolutely considering whether the real Hell would be better than this Baldy ...

Tuesday 7 February 2012

"Cancer is a word, not a sentence."

"Cancer is a word, not a sentence." John Diamond.

"If you're going through Hell, keep going." Winston Churchill.

I was searching the web yesterday for quotes, as my nerdzilla side came out...and I found these wonderful quotes! And I also found this wonderfully charming quote, which reminded me slightly of my own wonderful Christopher Hingston:

"My veins are filled, once a week with a Neapolitan carpet cleaner distilled from the Adriatic and I am bald as an egg. However I still get around and am mean to cats." John Cheever, 1982.

That one's my particular favourite...although I have no idea why anyone would want to be mean to cats! And I'm sure my friend Matt would agree. I don't know which he loves more: cats ears or his girlfriend, Laura...hehe.
Unless they were a horrible, mean breed of cats...or a mean and ugly breed of cats. But I haven't come across an entire breed of ugly, mean cats yet. Maybe this John Cheever fellow had some sort of traumatic experience with cats when he was a kid or something...who knows?
Anyhow, I'm now back on chemo. The first chemo day was awful, and I threw up violently. Which was actually quite surprising- as I haven't thrown up cos of that since...well- since the first cycle! But then the vomiting ebbed into severe nausea (which was worse, in a way) but now it's just a dull nauseous ache in my head and tummy. Not pleasant, but I can deal.
And of course, the joint and muscle pain is starting up again. Especially in my back and knees. As usual. The physiotherapist at Addenbrookes, Laura, has given me some physio exercises to do at home. I don't do them as often as I should, and Mum gets a little cross at times because I'm not helping myself- but I'm so tired...and this procarbazine chemo they have me on MUST be messing with my hormones as the mood swings are ridiculous. I'm okay one minute, then I'm knackered, then I'm weeping uncontrollably the next moment. Which, I guess, could be my mental health breaking down- but I doubt it, as I haven't tried to harm myself yet...haha. Not that the cancer and the chemo isn't doing enough of that for me! But, yeah. So, making little jokes like that help...as you might have guessed. Being sarcastic and snappy helps too. Not other people, of course. But it helps me. God, that sounds so selfish- doesnt it? Sorry.
Singing helps, too. I like to sing...especially when I can relate to the lyrics, or when I particularly like the lyrics. I don't know whether I can actually sing...or whether I'm rubbish- but, to be honest, I don't really care. I love singing, and it makes me feel good. Sure, after a while, it hurts- cos the chemos messed up my throat, but it makes me feel amazing for a brief amount of time...and that's GREAT. I don't care that I feel crappy for a while if I sing. And sure, it won't get rid of my anxieties, and I can't constantly sing to make myself feel good all the time. But it's a start. It's a start...
Anyhow, I have to go now...but I just wanted to share one more quote I found. I was actually amazed that I found a quote that matched my mood a bit! Anyhow...happy learning, my children!

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." Emory Austin.

Much love!!
Befuddled and singing to herself Baldy <3 xox

Tuesday 31 January 2012

I need to go to Glitter Rehab...

Okay, I think I may need to go to glitter rehab!! Not only was I wearing it today, but so were all of my friends too...after I had attacked them with my 'Fairy Dust'... Today was school photo day, but it was rather disappointing...no class photos, or year photos. And in the end, we didnt even get to have a friend photo taken because they were packing up when we went. Though, my fabulous fairy friends cheered me up by taking wonderful photos on their phones of all of us... :) In fact, I'll put one up!
Anyhoo, I glitter-fied a load of people, including boys! They all looked so prettyful... :D
And I wore my pink wig!! But then it got hot and itchy, so I took it off and glitterfied my head instead... yay!
Today was such a nice day...I feel content..for once! And tomorrow will be my last day back at school before I am back on chemo...so sad. So, Im going to make the most of it and have fun tomorrow :) Hopefully it will be a good day!
Anyway, Im going to go- this was only a short post! Love you all- people at school especially...Peebs, Bec, Laura, Eleanor, Evie, Matt, Jordan, Ben and Toby :) <3 [and Ryan, Lawrence and other Ben.. ;)]
Much Love,
Befuddled but utterly loved by her wonderful friends Baldy <3 xox
PS- and to my girlies: Mwah, Mwah!! ;) x


Monday 30 January 2012

SCHOOL PHOTO DAY!! :D

So. I had a full day at school today! It was exhausting, but fun...And it was nice, you know- to be a bit more normal...It was nice to see all my friends too, considering that I wont see them for a bit because I'll be on chemo...eugh.
They had a special mass this morning aswell, which was actually lovely. Normally I find mass boring [no offence] but this mass was really nice! They mentioned me a lot, which didnt make me at all big-headed...teeheehee...and they even mentioned this blog...so hello new readers who were at the mass this morning!! :) Hope you enjoy reading this blog...
So, I had english twice today, same with maths...and one lesson of science and one of History...yay... It was funny at lunch though, as me and Peebus were pretending to be Matt and Laura- who are nauseatingly cute/cuddly at the moment. Matt: You are a friend thief!!! And you will get your come-uppance for stealing our Laura!!! Grrr!
Im dreading Thursday...Im just starting to feel good and slightly normal again and now I have to go back to bloomin Hospital to be pumped full of toxic liquids!! Plus, it always makes me feel so nauseous- and the steroids make me puffy, fat, irritable and sore. Not to mention overwhelmingly hungry...I mean- we have to constantly go to Tesco for more food because Ive managed to eat a whole weeks worth of shopping in one day...And to make it even worse, Im always tired because I have to take my last dose of drugs at midnight- and then  I have to wake up at ,like, 7 to take my first dose...Thank goodness Im allowed to go back to sleep again.
The good news is that tomorrow is school photo day! Normally I would physically cringe and shy away from the thought/mention of that- but this year is different! Im going to wear my pink wig and gorgeous eye make up and my new shimmery red lipgloss. Its going to be Amazing!!!! Yay!!
And then the nurse, Jo, is coming at half three...Awh, Im so excited for tomorrow!
And now Im going to go because Im a saddo and I watch 'Come Dine with Me' [dont judge me...] and I have a chocolate buttons ice cream and a packet of hubba bubba waiting for me!
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and totally psyched for tomorrow Baldy <3 xox  

Sunday 29 January 2012

Nothing wrong with a bit of Retail Therapy! ;)

Okay, sorry about that rant in the last post...and sorry to those I offended. I didnt mean any harm. I just got so frustrated at everything...Im so tired of being different. Before this all happened- I wouldve jumped at the chance to be unique. But now that Im unique for all the wrong reasons, its horrible. I havent been very moody or angry since this whole illness started and I think Im allowed one unreasonable temper fit, considering the circumstances. And I feel so guilty because everyone around me is suffering and its essentially my fault. My Mum is exhausted, my sister is feeling neglected, my Dad is upset and tired and thats just a dent in the long list of people who are effected by my cancer. And to all those people: Im sorry. Honestly, I didnt mean to do this. And I promise, if any of you ever get ill or are in need of help or support- I'll be there!

Anyway, , I'm going into school tomorrow. Theyre holding a mass and I think its dedicated to me or something. Which is nice...But its at 9 in the morning, and Im not so good with mornings. Not to mention the fact I have to bring one of my meds in if I want to survive the day... Not to mention its always boiling in those rooms and that means I cant wear my jumper. And then another problem arises as the only comfortable bras I own show through the school top, so I have to wear my white bra and that means Im uncomfortable for the whole day. But, on the upside- we went out shopping today [a little retail therapy never hurts], and bought new school trousers so at least I wont be wearing a skirt that doesnt fit me.
Mum also bought me some black card and a set of two pens- gold and silver that show up beautifully on the gold. Ive already used up four sheets of the card in making Valentines cards!
And then, when we went into TK Maxx to look for boots for me, as my old ones pinch and are falling apart- and my new-ish ones can only be worn with tights [and not socks] otherwise I cant get into them. Anyway, as we were looking around TK Maxx- Lucy suddenly went "Hey, Lily! Check this out! It's just your style!" and pulled over this gorgeous little hardcase suitcase. It was bright green with a big friendly looking frog on it! I practically drooled on it! She then disappeared off with it, and came back minutes later telling me the suitcase was mine, and that Mum would buy it for me! We're going to use it for going into hospital, as its only diddy! On the way up to the house, we grabbed a sausage roll for lunch- and Luce got a packet of quavers. We watched the amazing Call the Midwife again tonight- written by the wonderful Heidi Thomas/McGann, and starring the awesome Steve McGann...It really is a very good programme! If any of you havent seen it, go to BBC One at eight o clock on a Sunday...
Anyhoo, seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow- I'd better go to bed. Once again, sorry about the rant [and sorry Daddy xox]...Im much calmer now.
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and wondering what came over her Baldy <3 xox

Friday 27 January 2012

The wedding of the century :)

26/01/2012
So, you know you have to get out of the house when you start to plan the wedding of your fifteen-year-old friends who have only just got together. Although, it IS a nice little project...I always said they'd get together. They just..suit. He's a little taller than her, they're both sandy blonde, both athletically built [although he has more of a swimmers build and she has a dancers...an Irish dancers...]. See? Perfect match. Their wedding is going to be amazing...Its going to be white and light blue themed, and in summer. Its all going to be outside, and theres going to be fairy lights for when it gets dark...and the most gorgeous cake. Lauras going to arrive in a horse and carriage and as shes walking up the aisle- a live band is going to be playing 'Isnt she lovely'...awwwh! And two micropigs are going to be the ring-bearers! The bridesmaids dresses will be a pale blue, and the bouquet will be white roses with little blue flowers dotted in it...The most beautiful ceremony too, with vows they wrote themselves... Its going to be the wedding of the century!!
Awh, I feel so sad that Im missing all these little moments at school. Life definitely doesnt stop moving for everyone else when you get cancer. Its inescapable.

27/01/2012
Argh! Im so frustrated at everything!!! Its so unfair...everyone always assumes that I get all the attention and that Im always doing little fun things to cheer me up. NO. I have had about an hour and a half of fun today- and then I had a little bit of fun on Wednesday too. But thats the first bit of fun Ive had in months. And as for "all the attention"- well, yes. I do get attention. But you know why? BECAUSE I HAVE CANCER. You know, not being selfish or anything- but I really dont think people actually get how hard this is for me. Im bald, fat, miserable and my supposed best friend has not even called me since I have been diagnosed. Today, I did my back in trying to get a pair of age 15 jeans on. Im 14. And then I dont fit in my school trousers, either. And then I spent an hour crying about it. Average time spent crying on a normal day: 1 and a half to 2 hours.
I have absolutely noone to talk to. Im alone. Alone and chubby with no hair. And to top it all off, Valentines Day is coming up. Just to remind me how alone I am. I just love life- it really kicks you when you're down.
"Lucy and Mum need bonding time, maybe Lily should be left at home while Kathy and Mum and Lucy go out..."---"Maybe Mum should spend a week away from it all..."...
Awww, thats nice. Maybe the cancer should just kill Lily and then everything can go back to normal?!
Its nice that SOME people can just walk away and escape for a weekend...me, on the other hand- I can NEVER escape. I have to live each day like one never ending cycle of pain and nausea. And no matter how many times people try to reassure me, and no matter how much make up I put on- I am not beautiful. Im not even pretty. Heck, Im not even attractive anymore.
I miss my old life. I miss freedom, and I miss wanting freedom. I dont want to be left alone. I dont want to feel alone anymore. Im so lonely.
Bye Bye,
Befuddled, lost and lonely Baldy xox






                         

Monday 16 January 2012

Defining 'okay'...

The days seem to just melt into one another now. It's like being in a waiting room, I guess is the best way to describe it. The kind of waiting room that no one wants to be in. I was thinking about this the other day, and I think cancer is like a waiting room. One where you're chucked in against your will, your whole life put on pause- people close to you watching you suffer from behind glass, nothing they can do. And some people, well- they get to come back out the door to life. They get to come back through the glass. But some people...well, some people don't ever come back out. Or at least, not back through the door to life.
And well, I'm already in the queue to get the HELL outta this waiting room. I'm lucky. Now, all I do is take my drugs and await the blissful day when the doctor finally says: "You're all clear!"
Because I don't just want to feel better, although that would be nice. I want to BE better.
I'm justso sick of feeling sick, and tired, and there's nothing I can do but put up with it all...
So, anyway. Enough of the moaning...right. My week...hmmm...well, it's a great big ball of lying around doing nothing.
Okay, this is going to sound totally crazy- but there's this thing I like to do when I'm down, or when I'm ill. Of course, I'm so nauseous right now that I can't dance, right? But what I like to do sometimes is imagidancing...which is basically I put my headphones in and play some cheesy track really loud and imagine that I'm dancing. Sad, right? Haha...it's actually great fun... My track for the past few days has been 'give it up' by KC and the Sunshine Band...oh my gosh, cringeworthy I know, but I love that song. I think the cancer is affecting my ability to listen to good songs. I'm now listening to 80's music...eugh! I ACTUALLY purchased 'The Final Countdown' on iTunes...and 'The Only Way Is Up'...argh! My iPad is musically scarred.
Oh, although I have actually got into Imelda May, who has an amazing husky voice. I really love 'Johnny got a Boom Boom'... I heard it on Jools Holland's New Year show thing, and just HAD to get it on my iPad...and that is saying something, considering I'm not really into that type of music...

It's odd, now. When I used to look in the mirror- when this all started. When I had lost all my hair, and my face was all puffed up... I really used to mind. I used to panic and worry and obsess over what people might say about my image. But now I'm actually beginning to realise that it was never anyone else who really had a problem with my image. It was me. I was the one who built up just normal little looks in the street to these huge things, unfair staring and prejudices. Now, when I look in the mirror, I couldn't imagine myself any other way. It's like I've been like this for years, when I really haven't. I guess that what I'm saying is now I don't see the puffy flushed cheeks, and the startling baldness, or the tired, pale face. I see a kind of round porcelain creature, without her ringlets- blushing furiously. Although, I'm not quite sure porcelain dolls wear such sad, fed up expressions. But hey, I never said I was perfect. But I'm okay. And that's what I have to be...okay.
Because there's nothing else to be.
Much love,
Befuddled, but always okay, baldy <3 xoxo

Saturday 14 January 2012

"Is blah really the new blah?" ;)

Well, its half eleven on a Saturday night, and I am curled up on the sofa with drugs [the legal, cancer kind- NOT cocaine...], hot milk and 'Sex and the City'. Why the hell does Carrie need to obsess over every single detail of her life.
"Does the fact that this martini is only half full mean that my relationship is going to fail?" [complete with blonde hair toss and pout...]. Or, as my aunt pointed out; "Is blah really the new blah?"... Of course, she didnt actually say that, but it sounds like something that she WOULD say. Although, Carrie does have to-die-for hair...that, her funny 'fashion sense' and her sarcastic sense of humour are her only redeeming features. Well, in Season 4- anyway.
So, out of the world of baffled New Yorkers, and into the real and terrifying world of Lily. So, I have started on the new course of chemo. Most of this one is at home, but not really much easier than the last. I mean, I have to take chemo twice a day every day for every day of the course- AND steroids three times a day...and of course anti-reflux [once a day] to counteract the steroids, morphine [four times a day] for the pain, gabapentin for the nerve pain [three times a day], ondansetron [three times a day] for the sickness and then a horrible anti-biotic called Septrin twice on Saturdays and Sundays.
But eating helps...nibbling on stuff...I seem to have gotten through quite a lot of bacon recently...and potato products [including all different types of mash, roast potatoes, fried, jacketed and croquettes], and of course soups... I'm worryingly addicted to all things foody now. Especially cookery programmes...Jamie Oliver is a particular favourite at the moment. Although I havent QUITE gotten over what he did to the roast potatoes at christmas. He put them with ORANGES. Eugh...although I quite liked the beef he cooked the other night, so I suppose that kind of makes up for it.
And I never knew there was so much you can do with asparagus...But seriously, who gets up in the morning and says "Im going to have a runny boiled egg, and what shall I have with it? Not the sane choice, which would be toast soldiers, but hey, I might just grill or boil some asparagus!" Crazy talk!
I can't have any form of undercooked egg now, anyway. Sadly. Or not so sadly, depending on what style the egg is cooked. Nigella's a big favourite too. She's odd, and wears too tight tops considering shes a cook, but she makes lovely- if extremely decadent- food.
So, the days are pretty much dragging now...not really much to look forward to, really. Im constantly bored, and have gone  through eleven books in the last week. TV doesnt hold much interest for me now, unless its foody. And beauty..well, we all know thats a ship thats pretty much sailed. Or sunk, depending on whether you're sailing with Costa...Okay. Thats a HORRIBLE joke, and I apologise profusely...I cant believe that it even happened, really. But Im glad that people survived. My condolences go out to those who are missing and their families and friends.
So, I'd better go now, and take my chemo. And my hot milk. Because; when in doubt- drink hot milk.
Okay, thats a lame phrase- but it works for me...and no, I do NOT think it is in the least bit odd that I like hot milk with my chemo. Because, hey- whatever works for the patient, right?
Much Love,
Befuddled and entirely fed up with all the drug taking Baldy <3 xoxo




Saturday 7 January 2012

My shrinky dinky tumour

Well, I'm a lot less depressed than I was a few days ago. Although, chemo has pissed me off. Especially since I just had to spend a whopping 9 and a bit hours in hospital today. Yay. Actually, thats unfair. Today was a good day, as far as days in hospital go. Not because the chemo was any less harsh, because it wasn't- but because I got the results of my scan too!
The tumour in my chest has shrunk by more than 50% and the cancer is now, for the most part, inactive.
I still have to continue with the four months of chemo, but no radiotherapy! Yaaaaay! Excellent news, right?
But then I had to have chemo, and it kind of put a little bit of a downer on my day. Y'know- I'm kind of getting used to the whole 'constant nausea' thing. I dont like it, but Im getting used to it. Argh :/
My aunt has joined us in England...she came bearing gifts [including some comedy dvds, a 'wheres the meerkat' book and a very cute panda hat from Binne.]
The annoying thing about chemo [apart from the sickness and the seven different types of drugs I have to take several times a day] is that my skin doesnt heal properly anymore. Som skin came off my lip and isnt healing...its very sore... -.-
Anyhow, Im going to go, as Im feeling nauseous and have just taken a load of drugs on an empty stomach. So I need to eat, though I dont want to.
Lots of love, Befuddled, and sore and lazy, Baldy <3 xoxo

Sunday 1 January 2012

I wandered lonely as a cloud..

Clouds are lonely? Y'know, I wouldn't have thought they were as they all look so together and happy- floating up in the sky...I bet clouds can't get cancer. I bet they can't have their lives ruined and their minds messed up in just a few seconds. Stupid Wordsworth. What does he know?
I'M lonely...never mind those clouds...but how can I be so lonely when Im surrounded by so many people? How is it even possible? I panic every time I'm alone, maybe for fear I'll drop dead or maybe because Im worried that if I'm left alone with my own thoughts I'll go mad!
Sorry for bothering you all with these silly little panickings... I'll go now.
I hate this stupid life.

Befuddled and wondering whether everything is all worth it Baldy xox

MERRY CHRISTMAS..AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! Mine was certainly the most awesome Christmas ever!
Lu and I got up at half 5 to open our stockings- an impressive feat considering I had only got to sleep at half two. In my stocking I got make up [Barry M, Lancome and MAC], along with make-up brushes...and a gorgeous notebook, £10 paperchase voucher, chocolate, 2 CDs, a DVD, a couple of books, an ipod cover, a purse, some bodyshop perfume and at the bottom of my bed- all wrapped up- was a bright pink curly wig from cancer research.
Lu got Sylvanian Families, Mario 3D Land for her 3DS, a CD, chocolate, a DVD, a book, a purse, a paperchase voucher, an ipod cover and a notepad.
Then we both went back to sleep, and woke back up again at quarter to eight- and woke Mum and Dad up too! Mum and Dad opened their stockings and pretended to be shocked at what we had gotten from "Santa". Then Lu and I ran down to the tree and grabbed one present for each of us [the biggest ones...] and opened them. They just happened to be from Mawsie and Chris [grandparents] and we both got a gorgeously fluffy, fleecy blanket [dark pink for Lucy and light pink for me], woolly topshop socks, a bunny rabbit nightlight and £40 in a card...wow! :) Mum got a furry scarf thing, and Dad got this old fashioned antiquey looking lamp with a candle in it.
Then we all ate breakfast- scrambled eggs, cranberry juice and bacon for me, bacon for Lu, and scrambled eggs, bacon and smoked salmon for Mum and Dad.
After breakfast, we all moved into the good sitting room [which has all the presents in] and Luce was in charge of handing out the presents.
Among my presents were hats, lip glosses, sticks and balms, smellies sets, notebooks, stationary, and a wonderful case for my Ipad that is also a keyboard that connects via bluetooth- so my Ipad is essentially a laptop now!
And of course vouchers [£50 topshop, £10 new look] and money [£165!].
Luce got an Ipad, various smellies, and some DS games and a photo album and some stationary.
Mum got makeup, a spa voucher, jewellery, perfume and smellies, and a handbag and edible stuff. Dad got a tabletop pinball machine, some CDs, some books, a little bronze statue, a talking shoulder monkey, and some edible stuff.
After that, everyone played with their stuff [I started to, but fell asleep and was woken up a while later for my bath...]. After that, I put on my pink wig, cream lace dress and sparkly vesty thingy. And of course I wore my new dark blue sparkly eyeshadow, and red-ish calvin klein lipstick from the set Lucy had gotten me. Clinging to our new Ipads, and notebooks- Lu and I got into the car. In fact, I actually have a picture on my Ipad of us in the car- I shall put it up on facebook, or maybe even on the blog if I can figure out how... :)
Then we got to Pete and Kaths, and we smelt all the yumminess of Christmas dinner, and opened presents [a gorgeous mini perfume, giant jaffa cake tube and THE most gorgeous necklace (a little turquoise and gold and orange bird with a little jewelled eye) from Pete and Kath, and then some gorgeous sparkly bath bombs from Elliot (cousin...) and the most beautiful pink fountain pen from Georgia (also a cousin :D)...].
Then we tucked into turkey, and roast spuds, broccoli, sprouts, parsnips, sweet potato, bacon, sausages and stuffing! Yum, yum...YUM!! Oh, and homemade gravy, of course!! Then there was champagne and red wine, and white wine- and alcoholic ginger beer...and lemonade!
Then came the puds [all homemade]- there was Christmas pudding, which I dont like but smelled delicious all the same! Then there was a gorgeous chocolate cake in the shape of a sphere and iced like a christmas pudding (nom nom nom...) and a lovely smelling lemon mousse. Oh- and there were tube wafers which were a bit like brandy snaps- and a lovely shortbread.
Anyhoo, we were all pretty stuffed so Pete put a dvd [Disney's 'A Christmas Carol'] on the big screen in the school room and we all sat around the cinematic screen watching it. Well...actually, I fell asleep again.
When we got home, we just watched movies and picked at food and played with what we'd got. And laughed...and chatted. It was nice...
Boxing Day was fun too. We went to Mawsie and Chris's and ate lots of ham and potatoes and yummy stuff! Tom and Jessie [cousins] gave me an itunes voucher too!
After an interesting walk in the dark in the park we came back and sat playing a weird animal noise game, when all of a sudden Chris stood up on a chair and dropped his trousers! He was just pulling down his pants when everyone yelled for him to stop through floods of laughing tears...
Apparently this is a Christmas/Boxing Day tradition...It was very funny, to say the least...if a little disturbing. :D...
Oh! Did I tell you about my transfusion?! It was on the 23rd... And I was tired, and sicky feeling, and the oncologist rang and said my haemoglobin was low. So, I had three bags of blood [2 units]...yum yum yum...but it made me feel better. Which is nice! Yaaaaay
Anyhoo, skip forward in time to the 30th..which was the day I had my scans. I went into hospital early, and had a cannula put in my hand [ouch.] and then we went down to the scan area, and they talked us through it. And then we went into a room where I had to sit for an hour and a half after they put this radioactive tracer liquid in my cannula. Unfortunately, Dad couldnt come because only one parent was allowed...that annoyed me and I told the nurse that it annoyed me but she shrugged apologetically and mumbled something about radioactive and not enough space. As it was Mum had to sit on the other side of the cubicle because I was radioactive.
Then we went into this big room [after the hour and a half] and I lay down on this hard bed thingy and I went in this large doughut shaped whirring machine...For most of it, it didnt move, but every four minutes I went even further into the machine. After that PET scan,  then I ate stuff and then we went for the CT scan...which was a smaller machine but more annoying because they put this liquid in me which made me all hot and I thought I'd wet myself!! Eeek!
Then we went home..pretty much...Oh, wait- no, we went to St Albans...and then to the Galleria shopping centre, where I bought books! Yay! And then we went home. I was sore and tired by then...
I really just want to chill and save my energy over the next few days...as I dont think I can face doing TOO much :/
Happy New Year everyone, by the way! I hope this year will be prosperous for all!! Im not exactly looking forward to it, but what can I do? Its not like I have any choice in any of this...no choice, and no control.

Right, I'd better go- as its New Years Day and Im hungry ;) Lots and lots of love to you all, and I will try to write more often....Muchos hugs y kisses!!
Lots o' love, Befuddled and wary of the New Year Baldy <3 xoxox