I know it's been two years now since I have been on treatment and, honestly, the talk of cancer-related issues is probably becoming somewhat tiring to a lot of you (sorry...) - but I have MORE to complain about so strap in, mis amigos, you're in for another treat of a post. *insert inappropriate winking face here*
No, seriously, though - it's SOOO (that deserved three O's, okay) good to be so far out... but World Cancer Day is coming up (apparently) and so is the anniversary of a good friends death, and honestly I thought I would just write a post to you all to let you know how I am, and what I'm going to be thinking about this month.
I assume that most of you have heard the phrase 'brushing it under the rug'. Well, when I was on treatment this was very much my attitude about every bad thing that happened to me. I had a night where I was so overwhelmed by such intense agony that I begged for death? Hey, better sweep that under the rug. Kidneys starting to fail, think I'm about to die? Under the rug you go, buddy. Told that I can never carry my own child? Hey - guess where that's going? CORRECT, under the rug.
Don't get me wrong - it worked for me at the time. I didn't have to deal with any deep emotional stress because I didn't think about it all that much, I just focused on keeping going with my treatments and trying to stay alive. There's nothing wrong with that, and actually it is probably one of the things that kept me from completely falling apart at the seams.
Honestly, though, after treatment was over the cracks started to show. I was nervous and jumpy, agitated at the smallest things - most of all, actually, I was so angry. It's impossible to describe the kind of rage I felt, that I still feel. At the injustice of it all, you know? I used to spend whole nights going through every mistake I'd ever made in my life, every person I had ever hurt and added them all up - trying to see if all of it deserved me suffering like that. Honestly, I felt like it was my fault. I felt like there had to be something that had caused it because if there wasn't - if it was random, and unstoppable and just "life" or "what happens" - then I don't think I would have been able to cope. I just needed to know that the fate wasn't as imperfect as that, even though I knew it was - even though the evidence for that stares us down every single day of our lives; on the news, in the streets, in our own hearts. Once I realised this, I'm not ashamed to say, I went a little crazy.
I couldn't deal with it all, I couldn't deal with all of these feelings in my head - and all these memories, too - and I just kept trying to shut it off but it wouldn't go away, kept pushing itself to the surface and forcing me to think about it constantly. It was like one of those scenes in a horror movie where the TV is on static because a ghost is in the room and someone tries to turn it off but it just keeps coming back on. The worst part of it was I thought that I was losing myself, bit by bit, to the illness all over again. All the pain, all the sadness, that I should've let myself feel while I was trapped in the hospital or at home came flooding in and I didn't know how to deal with it and be a part of normal life. So, really, I took myself out of my normal life. I didn't attend school, and I just spent whole days inside my head trying to piece myself back together - but nothing was fitting and I just started to give up, dropping the pieces one by one and lying down to let it take me.
I think the turning point was when I realised how much it affected those around me, saw that if I lost myself - then they lost me, too, and honestly at that point in time I was much more valuable to them than I was to myself. It made me take another look at the carpet that I had stuffed all those memories and feelings - and all that pain and anger and sadness - under and I, instead of climbing it to get through like I always did, I started to look under it. I tried to teach myself how to be with my own feelings, how to sit with the horrible things that had happened to me and to be okay with them - to understand that they were horrible, but that they happened and that nothing can change that fact. I'm saying all of this in past tense, but honestly I'm still trying to teach myself to do that. It's really hard to be okay with something that feels so completely wrong, but it's not impossible, and that's what I'm working towards now; being okay with who I am, what happened, and trying to let other people know it's okay for them to be okay with it, too.
I'm not saying that I'm completely sane now, or anything, because I'm absolutely not (who is?). What I am saying, though, is that now I can actually see around all of the craziness that has happened. I can breathe again, I can think about what happened and sit with it awhile (not too long, though, mind...) and I can act like myself again. Now that I can see that, though, all I can see around me is all of the other people I know and love who are having to do this all too. All I can think of is all the people worldwide who have to deal with this, have to process this like I did - have to choose on a daily basis which pain they're going to have to sit through first: their emotional, or their physical. All of it because the world is an imperfect place and because it's just life. To speak the truth (or write it) - I'm not okay with that, and I don't accept it. I know that's stupid to say because, really, what can I do about it? What I can do, though, is I can stand up and I can say "hey, I know it sucks, and it's not your fault - don't ever think you deserve it - and I'm going to stand with you".
Basically, what I'm saying is this: I know World Cancer Day seems like another made up day to gain more money for organisations and for people to jump on the cancer-sympathy-train, and honestly it quite just might be that, but cancer isn't made up. It's very much real, it's very much present and it's very much a problem that a lot of people have to face, and ARE facing right now. A lot of people that I know, in fact, are dealing with it right now. And honestly, we just all want people to stand up and tell us that you know we're going through hell, and that we don't deserve it - and most importantly, that you stand with us. Please - just stand with us today.
Love to you all
Lil xoxo
No, seriously, though - it's SOOO (that deserved three O's, okay) good to be so far out... but World Cancer Day is coming up (apparently) and so is the anniversary of a good friends death, and honestly I thought I would just write a post to you all to let you know how I am, and what I'm going to be thinking about this month.
I assume that most of you have heard the phrase 'brushing it under the rug'. Well, when I was on treatment this was very much my attitude about every bad thing that happened to me. I had a night where I was so overwhelmed by such intense agony that I begged for death? Hey, better sweep that under the rug. Kidneys starting to fail, think I'm about to die? Under the rug you go, buddy. Told that I can never carry my own child? Hey - guess where that's going? CORRECT, under the rug.
Don't get me wrong - it worked for me at the time. I didn't have to deal with any deep emotional stress because I didn't think about it all that much, I just focused on keeping going with my treatments and trying to stay alive. There's nothing wrong with that, and actually it is probably one of the things that kept me from completely falling apart at the seams.
Honestly, though, after treatment was over the cracks started to show. I was nervous and jumpy, agitated at the smallest things - most of all, actually, I was so angry. It's impossible to describe the kind of rage I felt, that I still feel. At the injustice of it all, you know? I used to spend whole nights going through every mistake I'd ever made in my life, every person I had ever hurt and added them all up - trying to see if all of it deserved me suffering like that. Honestly, I felt like it was my fault. I felt like there had to be something that had caused it because if there wasn't - if it was random, and unstoppable and just "life" or "what happens" - then I don't think I would have been able to cope. I just needed to know that the fate wasn't as imperfect as that, even though I knew it was - even though the evidence for that stares us down every single day of our lives; on the news, in the streets, in our own hearts. Once I realised this, I'm not ashamed to say, I went a little crazy.
I couldn't deal with it all, I couldn't deal with all of these feelings in my head - and all these memories, too - and I just kept trying to shut it off but it wouldn't go away, kept pushing itself to the surface and forcing me to think about it constantly. It was like one of those scenes in a horror movie where the TV is on static because a ghost is in the room and someone tries to turn it off but it just keeps coming back on. The worst part of it was I thought that I was losing myself, bit by bit, to the illness all over again. All the pain, all the sadness, that I should've let myself feel while I was trapped in the hospital or at home came flooding in and I didn't know how to deal with it and be a part of normal life. So, really, I took myself out of my normal life. I didn't attend school, and I just spent whole days inside my head trying to piece myself back together - but nothing was fitting and I just started to give up, dropping the pieces one by one and lying down to let it take me.
I think the turning point was when I realised how much it affected those around me, saw that if I lost myself - then they lost me, too, and honestly at that point in time I was much more valuable to them than I was to myself. It made me take another look at the carpet that I had stuffed all those memories and feelings - and all that pain and anger and sadness - under and I, instead of climbing it to get through like I always did, I started to look under it. I tried to teach myself how to be with my own feelings, how to sit with the horrible things that had happened to me and to be okay with them - to understand that they were horrible, but that they happened and that nothing can change that fact. I'm saying all of this in past tense, but honestly I'm still trying to teach myself to do that. It's really hard to be okay with something that feels so completely wrong, but it's not impossible, and that's what I'm working towards now; being okay with who I am, what happened, and trying to let other people know it's okay for them to be okay with it, too.
I'm not saying that I'm completely sane now, or anything, because I'm absolutely not (who is?). What I am saying, though, is that now I can actually see around all of the craziness that has happened. I can breathe again, I can think about what happened and sit with it awhile (not too long, though, mind...) and I can act like myself again. Now that I can see that, though, all I can see around me is all of the other people I know and love who are having to do this all too. All I can think of is all the people worldwide who have to deal with this, have to process this like I did - have to choose on a daily basis which pain they're going to have to sit through first: their emotional, or their physical. All of it because the world is an imperfect place and because it's just life. To speak the truth (or write it) - I'm not okay with that, and I don't accept it. I know that's stupid to say because, really, what can I do about it? What I can do, though, is I can stand up and I can say "hey, I know it sucks, and it's not your fault - don't ever think you deserve it - and I'm going to stand with you".
Basically, what I'm saying is this: I know World Cancer Day seems like another made up day to gain more money for organisations and for people to jump on the cancer-sympathy-train, and honestly it quite just might be that, but cancer isn't made up. It's very much real, it's very much present and it's very much a problem that a lot of people have to face, and ARE facing right now. A lot of people that I know, in fact, are dealing with it right now. And honestly, we just all want people to stand up and tell us that you know we're going through hell, and that we don't deserve it - and most importantly, that you stand with us. Please - just stand with us today.
Love to you all
Lil xoxo
(Dedicated to my beautiful friend, Jamie, who sadly died two years ago of cancer - and who I wish, with every bit of me, hadn't. Not only because she was one of the most purely good people I had ever met, and someone who was so full of life, but also because everything would have been a hell of a lot easier with her here. To Jamie - I miss you.)
