I'm not even
going to apologise for not writing in so long, as I probably sound like a
broken record (though I am- sorry, that is, not literally a broken record).
It's been a whirlwind since I last wrote- I have had both the best and worst of
what is now my semi-normal life. I have dealt with abnormal problems like yet
more health issues, and I have dealt with normal stresses- like school and exam
pressures and boyfriend dramas (though I refuse to divulge that information, as
it is boring and tedious).
What I will
talk about however, is the adjustment between cancer-life and normal-life. I
mean, it's not like it's just a switch that you get to turn off whenever you
finish treatment- you can't just go back to being "normal". Life
doesn't work that way with anything, least of all something like cancer.
Getting back
to normal is a lot more difficult than people think it is. The common
misconception people make is that everything you have been through just leaves
and you forget it all- after all, why does it matter if you're not going
through it anymore?
I've learnt
that people are very shallow when it comes to these issues. What I mean by that
is not that people aren't awesome with them, or they aren't sympathetic-
because most of you are. It's just that a lot of you work on appearances- if I
have colour in my cheeks, and hair on my head, it means I'm okay. When really
that's not the case at all- just because I'm a year outside of treatment
doesn't mean that I'm magically normal again, it just means I'm further away
from the trauma than I was before.
I read a blog
post recently that I absolutely ADORED, which gave a list of things a person
with cancer wants you to know. I thought it was brilliant because it really
gave me something to relate to- something I could laugh at, something I wanted
to so badly show my friends and be like "hey this totally applies"!
But I didn't. I have recently become quite cautious in what I say about my
situation and where I am, and what I've been through. This isn't because I
don't want to talk about it- in fact, talking about it actually helps me. Lots
of people hate talking about their cancer, but I'm one of the ones where
talking about it makes me feel like I'm not alone in it. Like people know a
little about what I'm going through, and therefore they're one step closer to
understanding it.
Anyway, the
reason I'm cautious is because the words 'attention seeking' and 'selfish' have
been thrown about quite a lot when it comes to me and what I talk about and
say. I'm not going to point blame, or even blame anyone really. Because the
truth is, I totally understand where people are coming from when they say that.
Cancer has made me a little selfish, and I totally admit that- but I also want
people to know that I'm selfish for a reason. Fighting for your life kind of
does that to a person, it makes you look out for yourself, and it takes a while
to adjust back to NOT just looking out for yourself.
But what I
don't get is the 'attention-seeking' part. I mean, if truth be told, I am a
little dramatic- I have known to be called a drama queen by some of my best
friends and I totally don't mind that. I'm fine with being a drama queen. It's
not a big deal- I'm theatrical. But when it comes to cancer, if anything I
downplay what has happened. Even mentioning it casually- makes people look as
uncomfortable as if you had presented a tarantula to them. It's difficult to
feel comfortable around people who are uncomfortable with part of who you are.
Cancer is a huge part of who I am now, the best and worst of me- the most
significant thing that has ever happened to me, and the most devastating. I
need people to talk about it with me like it's second nature, like it's just a
characteristic of my personality. Like it's not the elephant in the room.
I guess the
point of this was really just to say that I'm not adjusting back to normal
life. It's hard to be around so many people who know my whole situation and still
don't just accept it without feeling super uncomfortable. I get that for some
people it is a reminder of family members, or previous sadness- but for me,
it's my life. I think when I go to university, and meet new people who don't
know my situation it will be easier. Because then at least they won't be not
accepting part of me, they'll just not know about it.
Sometimes I
just feel a little hopeless- like life after cancer sucks just as much as it
did when I had it. But then I think; at least I'm alive. Finding things to be
grateful for every day helps me get through- and it's my new year's resolution
to find at least five a day. So, I thought I would share today's with you all.
1.
I'm
totally grateful for Kate Bush and her amazing voice and way with words
2.
I'm
super grateful for my Mother, who brought me a range of food lovelies so that I
wasn't so down about being ill this week and sat through a terrible musical
with me just because she loves me
3.
I'm
grateful for Lucy and her wit and hilarity and the way she swoops in every day
after school to make me feel better and to let me know how she is, and how her
day went
4.
I'm
so grateful to my Dad, who is in India at the moment, but who made this week
far more bearable by making silly jokes and just being there to cheer me up in
my state of illness
5.
I
am massively grateful to my friends Becky and Matt N, who have both shown how
much they love me (by telling me, or by buying me a coke and having THE best
catch up- or by planning a girls night) and have cheered me up
6.
And
finally I am grateful for my gorgeous boyfriend, who has told me he misses me
every day I've been ill and has bought me flowers and chocolate to cheer me up
and make me feel loved.
All of these
things (and I managed six, not just five) make me think that really, life isn't
so bad after all. I've got people who care about me, and I'm not sick anymore
(not with cancer, anyway) and I laugh at least once every day.
Find
something you're grateful for- because life is good, readers.
Love to all.
Lil xoxo
