"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness."

"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness." Sam Francis

"And introduce an element of cynicism and darkness into it and just realize that we're all vulnerable. We are humans. There is a finite end to this life and we're all going to face it and a little silliness can help." Alan Thicke


I guess as things get a bit better, my anxieties rise...I think it's because the better I get, the more relaxed I get; The higher I have to fall. 
Okay, people say that facing up and admitting your fears so I guess this could be a post about my ridiculous phobias! 

1. Arachnophobia- I HATE spiders, they have too many legs and creepy eyes and fangs...

2. Eremikophobia- I hate sand possibly more than I hate spiders...I hate the way it sticks to you. Its weird and creepy and feels HORRIBLE.

3. Ladelphobia- you already know this one, its Ladybugs. They're just unnatural, okay?

4. Achluophobia- Fear of darkness...I don't like it, it's smothering.
5. Agateophobia- Fear of insanity...just because my mind tends to be a bit overactive.
6. Agliophobia- Fear of pain, nearly everyone has this one, exluding masochists and weirdos.
7. Atychiphobia- Fear of failure...again, most people have some form of this...
8. Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored...I want to be remembered, I guess...especially if I die 'before my time'...
9. Autophobia- Fear of being alone... especially at night, for me. I don't like being alone much, I like to feel needed. 
9.  Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes...
10. Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria...this is like number nine- I HATE germs...I reaaally don't like being immuno-supressed. 
11. Cancerophobia or Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer...this one's kind of a given...
12. Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors, mostly either when Im alone or in the dark. I don't mind them half the time...
13. Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces...like MRI's... *shudder*
14. Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed...not SO much anymore...but still. If it wasn't essential, I wouldn't sleep.
15. Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns...come on, they're just plain creepy...past midnight they're just. not. funny! [matt ;) ..]
16. Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons...who isn't scared of demons? Especially our own demons...
17. Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting...inevitable, considering how much throwing up I've done over the past 9-10 months...
18. Hadephobia- Fear of hell...everytime I think of myself dying, I always think about redemption and my mistakes and whether I'll go to Hell. Because although I like reading books about it, I'm really not sure I'd like it as a life choice...Or death choice, if you like..
19. Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination...I hate germs. Eugh.
20. Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things....specifically death, or my own death- or zombies. 
21. Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill...I never want to be ill again...
22. Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams...Dreams are dangerous. 
23. Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays...not x-rays, but radiation causes cancer.
24. Russophobia- Fear of Russians...not being racist. Just a bad experience.
25. Satanophobia- Fear of Satan...only twisted people WOULDN'T fear him..
26. Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows...I don't like them. Especially when you can't tell where it's come from.
27. Somniphobia- Fear of sleep...it's not a good thing, I know. But sleep hasn't exactly given me a real reason to love it. Exept from the fact I need it...
28. Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs...I carry antibacterial gel EVERYWHERE.
29. Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying...like number 20, but actually dyING this time rather than just death.
[From here on I don't know the names of them...sorry!]
30. I am scared of disappointing people too much
31. I am scared of changing who I am into someone people don't like, or don't like as much. Or I'm worried that I've already changed...
32. I am scared of even numbers...don't even ask, I just can't stand them.
33. I'm scared of not knowing whats going to happen. I like to be in control.
Thats all I can think of right now... haha, ALL. 

I am soo superstitious, also...I HAVE to nod, and make the people with me nod, seven times whenever I see a lone magpie. I HAVE to wear black socks on Friday 13th. I HAVE to have as many odd numbers in my life rather than even. Even numbers freak me out.

I have probably shared waaay too much information, but hey- maybe this'll come in handy to my enemies *wink wink*!

Anyway, sorry it took so long to write, I feel a bit empty at the moment. Especially of inspiration.
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and really not so bald anymore Baldy <3 xoxo


PS- This piece is dedicated to two people...
1. Matt Hunter ;), an awesome friend who deserves a lot more than a Phobias post dedicated to him :')
2. Peebs Allsopp, who is also legendary and who I have always relyed on to just be crazy with me ;)
-Both of these I can forget the world with and just let go, but they also listen to me when I break down or when I complain or just when I need them...So for that I am eternally grateful...Thank you- and I would do the same for either of you, I promise :) <3 Love you guys!

Adjusting the Sails

"The Pessimist complains about the wind;
The Optimist expects it to change;
The Realist adjusts the sails."

I slam the upstairs window shut with a little too much force and a pain shoots through my finger and up my arm. I wince, and shake it out a bit, before collapsing on my parents King Size bed next to me, stomach first.
With a deep sigh, I roll onto my back and stare out at the moon outside. Tonight, it's a full yellow circle against a dark, navy sky. It's not yet quite pitch dark, even though its ten o'clock.
I close my eyes and imagine myself a sleek female werewolf, leaping out of the window and bounding off up the gallops outside our house- maybe even snacking on a horse or two.
I skip through the green fields, my eyes like nocturnal goggles- seeing anything and everything.
I feel the brambles scratch at my fur, pebbles fly up and hit me but I lift my head to the full, yellow moon- my eyes widening in awe and then narrowing wickedly. I was going to kill tonight. The sky grumbles stormily and I slip through the trees, silent and deadly- stalking fluffy, innocent sheep.
I growl furiously as I jump forward, my teeth spreading into a wolfy grin. Mid air, I find myself falling, pain shooting through my chest. What is this? I look down, searching for a stab wound, a dart, a silver bullet- anything! But there's nothing there...and as another pain shoots through- I jerk back to the real world, and my real life. Hissing, I sit up quickly and clutch my chest- panic rising in every inch of my body.
"You're okay, you're okay..." I whisper, but I didn't even fool myself. Still, I felt a bit better as the pain subsided. I look at Truffle, who had barely moved a muscle through it all.
"Selfish cat." I mutter, turning the light off, and head downstairs.
Taking one last envious look at the moon, I head towards the bathroom.
Wiping the cold water from my face, I look at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror- wondering how the hell all of this happened.
The cancer, then the leg problems...I turn away from the sad girl looking back at me, nothing like the powerful werewolf woman I had imagined.
Sighing again, I lean against the wall and tip my head back- my thoughts buzzing in my head like a swarm of bees, occasionally stinging when they felt like it.
One jumped out at me, more persistent than the rest. The Queen Bee, I guessed.
The chest pains, the night sweats, the snappy mood swings...the sadness. All my old symptoms were starting to come back...
'It's just the aftermath of chemo.' Positive me reassured me.
'The cancer's back- you're dying!!!' Negative me screamed frantically.
'Get it checked out, just in case. But don't get worked up about it.' Realist me murmurs softly. I ignore them all and choose to do what I always do with all my problems. Pretend they're not there until I absolutely can't ignore them any further.
Kicking the bathroom wall in frustration, I take a deep breath and put a smile on my face. The first attempt looks hysterical, so I tone it down a bit and head downstairs.
Bursting into the family room, and seeing noone in there, my facial muscles spring back into a frown and I flop onto the sofa, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Knackered, I let my eyes drift shut and try to forget all my stress- if just for now.

Much Love,
Befuddled and ABSOLUTELY KNACKERED [but attempting to fight through the tiredness] Baldy <3 xoxo