Friday 27 January 2012

The wedding of the century :)

26/01/2012
So, you know you have to get out of the house when you start to plan the wedding of your fifteen-year-old friends who have only just got together. Although, it IS a nice little project...I always said they'd get together. They just..suit. He's a little taller than her, they're both sandy blonde, both athletically built [although he has more of a swimmers build and she has a dancers...an Irish dancers...]. See? Perfect match. Their wedding is going to be amazing...Its going to be white and light blue themed, and in summer. Its all going to be outside, and theres going to be fairy lights for when it gets dark...and the most gorgeous cake. Lauras going to arrive in a horse and carriage and as shes walking up the aisle- a live band is going to be playing 'Isnt she lovely'...awwwh! And two micropigs are going to be the ring-bearers! The bridesmaids dresses will be a pale blue, and the bouquet will be white roses with little blue flowers dotted in it...The most beautiful ceremony too, with vows they wrote themselves... Its going to be the wedding of the century!!
Awh, I feel so sad that Im missing all these little moments at school. Life definitely doesnt stop moving for everyone else when you get cancer. Its inescapable.

27/01/2012
Argh! Im so frustrated at everything!!! Its so unfair...everyone always assumes that I get all the attention and that Im always doing little fun things to cheer me up. NO. I have had about an hour and a half of fun today- and then I had a little bit of fun on Wednesday too. But thats the first bit of fun Ive had in months. And as for "all the attention"- well, yes. I do get attention. But you know why? BECAUSE I HAVE CANCER. You know, not being selfish or anything- but I really dont think people actually get how hard this is for me. Im bald, fat, miserable and my supposed best friend has not even called me since I have been diagnosed. Today, I did my back in trying to get a pair of age 15 jeans on. Im 14. And then I dont fit in my school trousers, either. And then I spent an hour crying about it. Average time spent crying on a normal day: 1 and a half to 2 hours.
I have absolutely noone to talk to. Im alone. Alone and chubby with no hair. And to top it all off, Valentines Day is coming up. Just to remind me how alone I am. I just love life- it really kicks you when you're down.
"Lucy and Mum need bonding time, maybe Lily should be left at home while Kathy and Mum and Lucy go out..."---"Maybe Mum should spend a week away from it all..."...
Awww, thats nice. Maybe the cancer should just kill Lily and then everything can go back to normal?!
Its nice that SOME people can just walk away and escape for a weekend...me, on the other hand- I can NEVER escape. I have to live each day like one never ending cycle of pain and nausea. And no matter how many times people try to reassure me, and no matter how much make up I put on- I am not beautiful. Im not even pretty. Heck, Im not even attractive anymore.
I miss my old life. I miss freedom, and I miss wanting freedom. I dont want to be left alone. I dont want to feel alone anymore. Im so lonely.
Bye Bye,
Befuddled, lost and lonely Baldy xox






                         

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