The days seem to just melt into one another now. It's like being in a waiting room, I guess is the best way to describe it. The kind of waiting room that no one wants to be in. I was thinking about this the other day, and I think cancer is like a waiting room. One where you're chucked in against your will, your whole life put on pause- people close to you watching you suffer from behind glass, nothing they can do. And some people, well- they get to come back out the door to life. They get to come back through the glass. But some people...well, some people don't ever come back out. Or at least, not back through the door to life.
And well, I'm already in the queue to get the HELL outta this waiting room. I'm lucky. Now, all I do is take my drugs and await the blissful day when the doctor finally says: "You're all clear!"
Because I don't just want to feel better, although that would be nice. I want to BE better.
I'm justso sick of feeling sick, and tired, and there's nothing I can do but put up with it all...
So, anyway. Enough of the moaning...right. My week...hmmm...well, it's a great big ball of lying around doing nothing.
Okay, this is going to sound totally crazy- but there's this thing I like to do when I'm down, or when I'm ill. Of course, I'm so nauseous right now that I can't dance, right? But what I like to do sometimes is imagidancing...which is basically I put my headphones in and play some cheesy track really loud and imagine that I'm dancing. Sad, right? Haha...it's actually great fun... My track for the past few days has been 'give it up' by KC and the Sunshine Band...oh my gosh, cringeworthy I know, but I love that song. I think the cancer is affecting my ability to listen to good songs. I'm now listening to 80's music...eugh! I ACTUALLY purchased 'The Final Countdown' on iTunes...and 'The Only Way Is Up'...argh! My iPad is musically scarred.
Oh, although I have actually got into Imelda May, who has an amazing husky voice. I really love 'Johnny got a Boom Boom'... I heard it on Jools Holland's New Year show thing, and just HAD to get it on my iPad...and that is saying something, considering I'm not really into that type of music...
It's odd, now. When I used to look in the mirror- when this all started. When I had lost all my hair, and my face was all puffed up... I really used to mind. I used to panic and worry and obsess over what people might say about my image. But now I'm actually beginning to realise that it was never anyone else who really had a problem with my image. It was me. I was the one who built up just normal little looks in the street to these huge things, unfair staring and prejudices. Now, when I look in the mirror, I couldn't imagine myself any other way. It's like I've been like this for years, when I really haven't. I guess that what I'm saying is now I don't see the puffy flushed cheeks, and the startling baldness, or the tired, pale face. I see a kind of round porcelain creature, without her ringlets- blushing furiously. Although, I'm not quite sure porcelain dolls wear such sad, fed up expressions. But hey, I never said I was perfect. But I'm okay. And that's what I have to be...okay.
Because there's nothing else to be.
Much love,
Befuddled, but always okay, baldy <3 xoxo
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