Sunday 24 June 2012

"I try to laugh about it...hiding the tears in my eyes.."

"Teenage Dreams, so hard to follow,
the broken hearts, the shattered chances,
the lumps of tears so hard to follow."

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed." Buddha.
I disagree [no offence, Buddha]. In life, you need fear to remind you that you are human. It is only when it consumes you, when you cannot sleep- when you find yourself internally screaming in pain and fear- only then does it make you weak. Being weak is nothing to be ashamed of...it shows us that we have flaws- we're not robots.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' " Eleanor Roosevelt
I guess that applies to me. Its just the looking the fear in the face AFTER the experience that I'm struggling with. What if it comes back? What if Im not accepted properly? Are people looking at me? Are people judging me? So many thoughts, all going through my mind at once- creeping into every crevice. I guess I'll just have to get over it, train myself to stop. But its harder than it sounds, not easy when its what you're thinking 24/7.
More later, Much Love,

Befuddled and scared, to be honest Baldy <3 xoxo










Thursday 14 June 2012

My Poetry Post! :)

Hey,
I've been writing some poetry and I wanted to shaare it! :) Its super depressing, but oh well.
This is just the first draft, and it's not that good...I need to edit and tweak it a bit...
Soo...Don't judge!

Balance, Balance
Looming over me
Holding the broken pieces
Of my sanity


Excuses, Excuses
Only having fun
Bitter taste of regret
Now I'm the guilty one


Silence, Silence
Calling out your name
Waiting, watching
But you never came


Tapping, Tapping
Of my fingertips
Excuses, apologies
Coming from your lips


But I'm all gone now
And it's your fault
You ask me how
But you never came.

Okay, so that was the first one. Now comes the darker second one.

Shadows, shadows
Whispering in my ear
Shadows, shadows
Feeding on my fear


Running, running
Always running to stand still
From all of those
Who would want to kill


Dreaming, dreaming
Always screaming
Frightening, frightening
Struck by lightening


Falling, falling
From under my feet
Darkness calling
Looking for fresh meat


Never thinking, always dreaming
Wake me up from this screaming
Empty eyes, empty soul
Fire inside, burns like coal.

Now I'm a little scared of posting it...These make me look a bit of a gothic weirdie...
Oh well....Hope you all are well!

Much Love,
Befuddled and worried about your opinions, but tell the truth or I won't be able to learn from my mistakes!!, Baldy <3 xoxo

Wednesday 13 June 2012

The Creepy Comic Co.

Hey everyone,
This is just a short one!
I would like you all to check out this:

      http://www.olduns.blogspot.co.uk/

Its my crazy, creepy aunt and her equally creepy boyfriend [who looks a bit like Draco Malfoy]- and the blog is slightly creepy and a little weird and A LOT quirky, but is surprisingly enjoyable and thoroughly entertaining!!
Just take a look, and tell me what you think!! She's a budding young film producer/writer/artist, and is AMAZING!! Love you Binne ;)

Much Love,
Befuddled and guilty that she isnt writing more about her day [BUT WILL FILL YOU ALL IN SOON!!] Baldy <3 xoxo

Wednesday 6 June 2012

Ego Tibi Maximus Gratias Ago

I was watching that programme; 24 Hours in A and E- and there were some really touching things said by not only the relatives- but by the Nurses and Doctors too. And some of the things they said really reminded me of my own situation.
A sweet one was a little girl was being wheeled in on a stretcher looking confused, scared and in a fair deal of pain. And her Dad held her hand and said: "You're going to be all right. You know what happens when things are bad? Daddys here." Reminded me of my own Father... Love you Dadda, and Im so glad that although Im 15, Im still your little girl <3 ...
And of course my own Mother- who I swear must be an Angel. Or at least some kind of amazing mythical creature, because I do not know of a braver, more inspiring woman. And quite honestly I have no idea how she has done everything that she has. She truly is a super woman. And I love her dearly, and think she deserves the most wonderful year to come- full of treats and relaxation!
      And then a nurse said about two minutes later on the programme; "...and you're really sick, and all you can think about is 'Am I going to live, am I going to die?'. Silly things go out the window, and ultimately whats important is realised: That you're loved. And that you are not alone."
That got me thinking. I don't think I ever truly said Thank You to all of you. Because throughout all of this, all of you- no matter what part of the world you were in- sent your love and good wishes and support, and to be quite honest without all of that; I couldn't have done it. A big Thank you to my Fabulous Grandma and Grandad who have been there throughout almost all of this and who we couldnt have done without- thank you so much for putting your lives on hold to help with everything. We are so so grateful to you and love you very, very much!! From the Neaves in New Zealand, to my Dad and his wonderful colleages in Qatar [Ghada, Haya, Sean, Manal and Ebtesam and Lucy especially], to all the Pupils and teachers of St Benedicts in Suffolk, to the Hingstons and McGanns in Essex to the Robertsons in St Albans, to the MacManamons [A huge thank you to everyone in Ireland who have all sent so much love and support. We really are grateful and couldnt have done it without you] to the Ericksons, Adlemans and Swyers in America- and EVERYONE else [there are WAY, WAY too many to name]:
                                                   
     THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR GETTING ME THROUGH THIS. Because I honestly would NOT have been able to do this without you. I owe you my life, in a way. Or at the very least my sanity and peace of mind.

I just wanted to say that, now that is all over. Because it is. I had my hickman line removal operation today and I now am as normal as Im ever going to be. I am SO relieved...a little bit nervous as I AM quite scared it might come back...but I can't live my life in fear of this disease so I am trying to work through it and think positively!
One other Thank You I must issue is to the huge Medical Team who SAVED MY LIFE.
It started off with Dr Gupta and Dr Silverston- two of THE most amazing GP's EVER...without whom I would never have been diagnosed, and also everyone at Oakfield Surgery in general for all your help and cooperation. Then theres Dr Birgit [Im sorry if I spelt it wrong], a paediatrician at Addenbrookes who sent me for the scans that diagnosed me. Then there is the radiotherapy team at Addenbrookes [I had mainly Laressa, Orla, Fiona, Michelle and Sophie] and they were AMAZING...along with the master blaster Nina, the chief Radiotherapy consultant Dr Mike Williams and his wonderful registrar Dr Izzy Maund [sorry about spelling...!] who REALLY helped with my sickness and I couldnt have done it without them.
And then the WONDERFUL nurses at PDU [Claire S, Joan, Suzanne, Zoe, Claire, Maria, Jenny and all the other wonderful nurses- Im sorry I couldnt name you all!]. Not to forget the WONDERFUL Play Leaders...Judith, Carol, Angela and Karen- all lovely ladies!! [And of course Beryl and Halina who were always there and friendly...] A shout out aswell to all the wonderful and amazing nurses on C2 Ward, who are truly amazing and who really looked after me whenever I was there. And Mick the chef on C2 Ward... And I would also like to shout out to the lovely staff on the Day Surgery Ward who I only met once today, but who made the operation to get the hickman line out an overall pleasant experience, which is weird because it's an op! Thank you also- [wow, so many Thank you's!]- to Maggie the education lady who gave me endless wordsearches and crosswords when I asked and kept my brain from turning completely to mush while I was in hospital!! And also thank you to Angela the psychologist, who I was adittedly sceptical about but who turned out to be a great help and managed to cool some of my anger and anxiety and calm me down a great deal after chemo and during radio- when I most needed it. So thank you...
And then of course all fantastic nurses at West Suffolk Hospital- Pregnant Liz [sorry..], Other Liz, Rachel, Lorraine, Hazel, Julia, Rebecca, Jo, Jess, Stacey...and Im sure many, many others but Im not THAT good with names....And of course my AMAZING community nurses Steph Rolf [is that how you spell it? Sorry...!] and the fabulous Jo Rackham who will be sorely missed as a community nurse...Even though Ive finished treatment... And not to forget Melanie Clements, who got to deal with me unfortunately when I wasnt in the most pleasant of moods [sorry about that..]. Thank you to my wonderful surgical team- mainly Dr Claire Jackson, for managing to reach my tumour without moving and messing around with my ribs- and giving me such clean scars. And thank you to my anaesthetists, who sent me to sleep so nicely- and woke me up in an equally pleasant manner... And thank you to Jodie, who always managed to find ways to achieve my stupid requests about surgery or wheelchairs- Thank you...

Now come the Oncologists. A HUGE thank you to; Dr Richard and Dr Karina the registrars, Dr Boo Messabel [who tried desperately to find an effective anti-emetic but to no avail, and to whom I am grateful to for even searching after so many failed attempts. Thank you..], Dr Ramya Ramanujachar [who left Addenbrookes but was there for over a quarter of my treatment and really helped me], Dr Mike Gattens [helped me briefly when I was in a state after radiotherapy, and was absolutely lovely], and of course my wonderful and probably really exasperated main oncologist who is most likely relieved I am through with treatment so I can't pop up with some other ridiculous side effect to moan at him for [wink wink]- Dr James Nicholson. Thank you, James- especially for not slapping of pinching me when I came whining and whinging with yet ANOTHER stupid side effect or anxious round of questions... Second to last, I would like to thank the FANTASTIC Dr Katherine Piccinelli, who always managed to come up with efficient, effective plans that really suited me...and didnt mind that I detested sedatives- or REALLY didnt show it if she did. And who also managed to find a couple of drugs, always went through side effects with me and is not only one of the nicest doctors I know- but is also one of the nicest people. And I know she was very comforting to my Mum too, which is nice... And I haven't forgotten the lovely Dr Amos Burke, who I didnt particuarly like initially as he got the unfortunate job of breaking the news...but am a HUGE fan of now- and who I have to say is one of the wisest Doctors I know, has been right about EVERYTHING [minus the MST...] and to whom I owe my life. I will never forget what all of you above people have done for me- and I just wanted you to know just how much I respect what you do, and how you do it. Truly, these past nine months have really and truly restored all my faith in Humanity and I owe you all not only my sanity, my life now- but for years to come, all the things that I will do and be able to do...I will be able to do them because of what you did for me these last nine months. I could go on and on, but I think you get what Im trying to say...

I love you all...and am truly humbled for what all of you have done for me...Friends, Family, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, Teachers...and even Strangers.... There may not be hocus pocus magic in this world....but there is certainly magic in the way a human being loves another human being....
[That sounded cringingly cheesy... ;) ..]

Much love to you all....
Befuddled, humbled and never been happier to be alive, Baldy <3 xoxo


Monday 4 June 2012

Ladelphobia: Fear of Ladybirds! ;)

First of all- I would like to thank everyone for sending me Birthday wishes [I cannot believe I forgot that in my last post, I am so sorry!] and also in general for all the love and kindness people have shown throughout all of this. I would also like to thank Sean Groenewald (Im really sorry if I spelt it wrong!) for the amazing Zulu beaded badge he got for me. Although I am not actually in possession of it [YET] I already feel much safer and loved...especially by the Zulus. Even though, admittedly, all I know of the Zulus is that they're South African? But thank you...it's gorgeous! And as soon as Dad is able to give it to me- I shall put it on my shirt! Well...shirts. I don't just own one shirt...that would be kind of gross...And actually, they're Dads shirts because mine don't quite fit and aren't as comfy. And Mums are too girly [and not as plain, in a good way].

Okay, well. Today I'm going to write a more factual post. About me. I was reading through my blog posts, and discovered that although I do write constantly about myself [selfless is not a word in the Lily-Dictionary] I have not actually said anything about my character in great detail. So I thought now is as good a time as any- especially since it's my sixteenth year and things have changed.

Full Name: LILY WILHELMINA ANDERSON
Date of Birth: 28-05-1997
Star sign: GEMINI
Parents: MARK P. ANDERSON AND ISEULT A.H. ANDERSON
Siblings: LUCY I. ANDERSON
Favourite colour: DUCK EGG BLUE/ TURQUOISE/ RED
Favourite Food: HAS A NEW FOUND A NEW OBSESSION FOR POTATO WAFFLES, BUT REALLY LIKES CRAB CAKES AND SCAMPI ALSO
Favourite drink: HOT MILK [ORANGE J20, GINGER ALE OR SUNNY D ARE ALSO HIGH UP]
Favourite animal: IS STILL A TOSS UP BETWEEN FROGS AND OWLS
Least Favourite colour: SLUDGE BROWN
Least Favourite food: PICKLE, BEETROOT, OCTOPUS, SQUID, ANY KIND OF ANIMALS INTESTINES OR BLACK PUDDING TYPE THING
Least Favourite drink: SMOOTHIES- THEY'RE WEIRD.
Least Favourite animal: LEOPARD SEALS, KILLER WHALES, SWANS, SHARKS OR LADYBUGS. THEY'RE ALL CREEPY.
Dream job: WRITER, IDEALLY- BUT 'TIS UNREALISTIC
Achievement most proud of: BEATING CANCER!
Biggest Fear: THAT THE ABOVE WILL COME BACK....OR SPIDERS.
Hobbies: WRITING, SWIMMING, READING, ARTY STUFF AND HORSE RIDING
Favourite TV programme: MADE IN CHELSEA/ COME DINE WITH ME [DONT ASK...]
Favourite movie: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU [with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles] FOLLOWED BY ROMEO AND JULIET [claire danes/leonardo dicaprio]
Favourite actor: HEATH LEDGER OR JOHNNY DEPP
Favourite actress: JULIA STILES OR SANDRA BULLOCK
Celeb crush: FOR ACTORS(Johnny Depp....or a young Heath Ledger [maybe Channing Tatum or Liam Hemsworth]) ---- FOR MUSIC(Brendon Urie for sure..)
Favourite BOY band: THE BEATLES [Although I do love me some P!ATD...(Panic!At the Disco)]
Favourite Band: THE BEATLES, P!ATD, PARAMORE, MUSE, THE HOOSIERS
Favourite singer: REALLY LIKING KATE BUSH ATM...AND BOB MARLEY...AND EMILE SANDE...
Embarrassing crush: DONT LOOK HIM UP BUT LAWRENCE FOX. HES TOTALLY GROSS BUT HAS A NICE PERSONALITY AND IS WEIRDLY MARRIED TO BILLIE PIPER..
Strange or startling: URM...I DONT LIKE SWANS AFTER BEING BITTEN BY ONE ON MY LITTLE FINGER AS A KID WHILE TRYING TO FEED THEM, ANDI FIND LADYBUGS REALLY DISTURBING [THEY FLY AND PEE ON YOU AND HAVE WEIRD BLANK EYES]- ALONG WITH SMOOTHIES [I DONT LIKE THE WAY THEY ARE NOT A FOOD AND NOT A DRINK BUT SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN], HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH 80'S MUSIC, LOVE TO WRITE- ESPECIALLY FICTIONAL STORIES WITH SARCASTIC HEROINES AND HAVE  RECENTLY BECOME A BIT OBSESSED WITH MARIOKART DS. ALSO I CARRY AROUND A FLUFFY SHEEP TOY WHO I HAVE NAMED SHEEPY THE THIRD EVERYWHERE- ALONG WITH TWO FAT GINGER CAT TOYS, A RAG DOLL, A FLUFFY WHITE SEAL, A FAT FLUFFY ALLIGATOR AND A FLUFFY WALRUS. AND I HAVE A GRUMPY PET CAT CALLED TRUFFLE WHO I SUSPECT IS ON THE VERGE OF FELINE DEPRESSION. THE END.

So yeah, thats pretty much me in a nutshell! Although not really because the only nutshell I would fit in is the smallest pub called the Nutshell in Bury. And even then it would be a squeeze...!
Hope everyone is A-Okay, and thank you again for all your love and support!

Much Love,
Befuddled and now very much outed Baldy ;) <3 xoxo

Sunday 3 June 2012

The Sixteenth Year

Okay, wow. I really haven't written for aaaages! Terribly sorry....it's been kind of hectic. So...okay. March...and now its June. Right...well. Dad turned 50, which was fun. We went to Cambridge, and walked around and had a really nice day actually. To be quite honest not much happened until April 14th- which was when I FINALLY finished chemo!! Yaay!! Unfortunately Karma has a obsession with biting me on the arse and as soon as I got excited about chemo finishing I got hit by something called 'Peripheral Neuropathy' which is basically temporary nerve damage [kind of]...Its just another way of m body complaining about the myriad of drugs its been pumped with. So I'm now in a wheelchair and have been since April- although I am decidedly more mobile this week than I have been for a month. And then everything seemed to go downhill from there. I almost completely lost my appetite, and just got more and more nauseous. Mum had her birthday on the 5th of May...a bit of a disaster, really. We went to Kentwell Park [they had a Tudor day thing] and it was NOT wheelchair friendly and it was hellish! And then we went for a meal at 'Ask'...which was awful. And then later on that night, I started throwing up. So we owe Mum a proper Birthday...!! And then on the 8th I started Radio...which was a DISASTER. Believe it or not, I found it worse than chemo. It was more intense, and the sickness was horrendous. I was sick from Thursday until Saturday- and I was throwing up so much that on Saturday they had to take me to Addenbrookes...and then I very slowly got a bit better until Thursday. The Oncologists told me I was well enough to go home and that they were worried I was becoming 'reliant' on the hospital...even though I protested I WASNT well enough. Nevertheless, they sent me home and I was throwing up all night, and the next morning and screaming and crying and generally the worst Ive felt- EVER. And then when we went back into Addenbrookes [I still had to continue with the radio]- Addenbrookes said they had no room. So they sent us to be admitted into West Suffolk, in Bury. They put me on fluids [with extra Potassium] and IV paracetamol because I couldnt keep down ANY pain meds, and IV ondansetron. And then on Saturday Katherine Piccinelli, my paediatrician there, came to see me and put me on IV anti-reflux to help with the acid and IV buscopan to help with the stomach cramps. Saturday was starting to look up...but then on Sunday it all went downhill!! I was awake for 7 hours of the day, and in that time managed to throw up 12/13 times! And then Monday came and I had radio again and that was awful, but we talked to the radio team and they said that they were going to try a new anti-sickness that the oncologists didnt really want me having. Its a steroid-based antisickness and because I was on such a high dose of steroids for chemo they didnt really want me having any more [it can cause osteoporosis later on in life]. But I was reaaaally sick, and to be quite honest it was a miracle drug! By Tuesday evening I was eating again for the first time in two weeks, and drinking more! And then on Thursday I finished radio and felt a lot better than I had in AGES! And staying in West Suffolk was amazing, even though I did have to travel to Addenbrookes every day for radio I actually preferred it because I didnt feel like they wanted to kick me out all the time and I felt very safe and cared for. And Katherine was GREAT, she always comes up with efficient plans of action that suit me and doesnt act like Im difficult when I dont want sedatives!
And then Dadda came home on Thursday, which was nice! And I started getting Birthday cards and presents and I got my appetite back- in a BIG way... And I went home on Sunday...!
On Monday 28th, I turned 15!! I am now in my sixteenth year! It was a pretty laidback day to be honest, because everyone was shattered! But we went to Cambridge so I could look for a Nintendo to buy, and I endedup getting some cuddly toys, a board game and some books with my birthday money. And we got fish and chips [my dinner of choice] for tea, and played board games and watched 'Made in Chelsea'. And I got LOTS of money, and the most GORGEOUS camera from my Mum and Dad and amazing jewellery and wow, just the most amazing range of EVERYTHING!! Including a visit from my Head of Year, Mr Murphy- who dropped off two massive presents from my year which was so, so generous and so, so kind!! And then on Wednesday my friends popped around with presents [and money they had raised for my birthday!]...and THE most amazing, kindest, most tear jerking and yet funniest video I have ever seen! Thank you to everyone for that! So, yeah. Im now half of 30...which is scary but I guess considering everything- pretty amazing that I've made it this far!
After my friends came on Wednesday I was pretty tired, so everyone just chilled and hung out watching TV...and then on Thursday we went out to Prezzo for a meal with Pete and Kath, Mawsie and Chris, Michael and of course my cousin Elliot- who turned 15 on the 29th. Its actually pretty weird because our other cousin- Georgia- who is Pete and Kaths first child, shares the same birthday as Lucy! So if I was born 24 hours later, or Elliot 24 hours earlier- our families kids would have the smae birthdays! Weiiird! Anyhoo. I was stupid and decided that red pesto [which Im not allowed on my immuno-suppressed diet because of the parmesan] couldnt do me any harm in a small quantity. So I had a spicy red pesto pasta. Which was disasterous, as steroids and spicy foods should NOT be mixed....unless you're masochistic. So that night I felt like someone had kicked me several times in the stomach and then fire breathed down my trachea. Pleasant. Not. But on the up side...I had crab cakes to start which tasted amazing! And I had vanilla panacotta for the first time ever for desert and that was amazing! Weird, but amazing- and Mum loved it too! And then on Friday we went to Bury and test drove some cars and then we went into town and I bought stuff from Paperchase [I really LOVE that shop...its an obsession...] and then we went for a walk to Clement Joscelyn, which is closing down, in the hopes to buy some furry christmas reindeer heads but found that it had already been cleared and closed! Disappointing... So to cheer us up and shut up my stomach [steroids..] we stopped off at the pasty shop to get a pasty for me and Dad and a cup of hot potato wedges...and then of course Poundland to buy chocolate buttons and 'Time Out' bars! Yum nom nom...
Saturday was sad...not much happened, and then lots happened. Lucy and Grandma and Granda went to a matinee performance of 'Whistle down the wind' that Lucys friend was in, and I went with Mum to Heathrow to drop Dad off. I wished he didnt have to go, but unfortunately his work needed him. I was even hoping for maybe gale force winds or something so he couldnt fly- but those things only happen when you really DON'T want them to. Grr. On the way back, Mum and I stopped at a service station like we usually do because I really fancied fries. And then felt guilty for eating rubbish so had to go to the mini- Waitrose to buy salad and fruit! And then ended up getting laughing cow cheese aswell! For some weird reason Im really fancying jam doughnuts...but we dont have any. Damn.
Then when we came home we watched the final of the Voice. Bo or Vince should've won, but hey ho. Noone I like ever wins those programmes... Argh. Then today I slept in a bit [till half 10!] and then we went to Pets at Home to get something for Truffle and ended up "ooohing" and "aaahing" over the ridiculously cute bunnies and guinea pigs. And then there were these cute fishes that looked deformed but that was WHY they were cute... :) They were like the pugs of the fish world! Then we went jubilee shopping in the mini Asda and I bought a LOT of Sunny D, and some flumps marshmallows, and ginger ale...and ooh! alphabetti spaghetti! I havent had that since I was a kid so I was sooo happy to find them! So, yom nom nom!! Ooh, and I bought some jubilee antennas!!
And then we came back and we had roast lamb [yum!] and watched the Jubilee flotilla...and then we watched 'Shes the Man' followed by 'Bruce Almighty' and then the tribute to the Queen by Prince Charles...which was so sweet!

You know, Im going to have to rethink this Blog name- Im not so bald anymore!! My hair is coming back...slowly, but it's definitely coming back! And then this Wednesday Im having my hickman line out and after that Im pretty much free! Yay! Ill be able to have a shower and not a horrible, difficult, shallow bath! Yay!! Exciting! Im a little nervous, as I hate anaesthetic or any kind of sedative...but oh well! Its only a little one, and it signifies THE END!! Woop woop- YAY!!

Much Love to you all, I hope some of you are still reading and havent lost interest! So sorry it took so long to write this...

Befuddled Baldy <3 xoxo