"Am I strong too? Maybe, but not always."

I always find it funny how people can say how amazing a person is- but never truly know why. Or say 'poor you' and not know why or how that person deserves their pity. And not WANT to know, at that.
I was reading a piece on Sonia Rykiel, a French designer who has Parkinson's and a very inspiring woman- and there was a small paragraph which I found the most inspiring and one I could strangely relate to. Hodgkins is nothing like Parkinson's- it's a longer disease and harder one and I am in awe of the brave people that go through it with hope and optimism... and of course I am inspired by her determination and hope and ability to be so normal in a situation that isn't normal!

Anyway, this is what she said;
"What I don't like is when they say: "Oh, isn't she fantastically brave?" I'm not brave, I'm not fantastic. I'm like any other woman. I'm unhappy. I'm difficult. I'm sad. Am I strong, too? Maybe, but not always. There are days when I don't want to see anyone. The most important thing you learn? You can live with it."

And she said later on in the article as well-
"My ambition? For everything to go on like it is right now. I have no regrets in life, and you know what? If I could, I'd go back and do it all again."

And in a funny way- I think I would too... I mean- I know it was a horrible, horrific, scary, painful, scarring experience but it left me with such a different outlook! I look at everything totally differently now! I don't stare in curiosity and surprise at people who are disabled or different looking because I know what it's like to be stared at like that...And I say what I think is wrong because if I don't I'll regret it and Life is for living, not shying away and conforming to the crowd.

'Life is too short.' I'm not too sure about that phrase...I don't know exactly whether Life is too SHORT or too LONG yet...I guess its different for all different people...

I start school again full time in September...I'm as nervous as if I was starting an entirely new school...I mean, I have to fit in two years of GCSE's in one and I somehow have to manage to get into school EVERY SINGLE DAY without collapsing in utter exhaustion... I am scared, and nervous...but its not whether I CAN do it anymore...it's how much will it hurt me to do it.
And well, I don't know the answer...so I guess we'll just have to see won't we!

Much Love, [and hope you are all well],
Befuddled and entirely obsessed with Batman and has actually ordered the comics and has the box set, not so bald and red haired Baldy <3 xoxo

P.S- Thank you to Phoebe, Matt, Becky and Laura for being there for me at my MRI, you are THE best friends and I will love you all until the end of time <3

P.P.S- Oh, and by the way- I've been given the all clear. I'M BETTER. :)






 

"These words are my own From my heart flow I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you There's no other way To better say I love you, I love you..."

I got to thinking today, well- more like remembering, really... Just about all the awesome times I've had with my friends...because I'm meeting up with becs and feebs tomorrow and I was Getting to think about my favourite memories with all my friends...! So, here they are! 

So, let start with the boys...

Matt H; the time when Alistair and I gave you 'water' and you spat it out EVERYWHERE!! Or in Mr Flacks lesson when you almost got my special metallic pens confiscated because you were doodling with them! :')

Matt N; the time I massacred two spiders in one lesson with your diary and you called me a spider murderer (in a nice way)! :') 

Ben; the Belgium trip in year nine when you said I looked like a jellybean in my raincoat and I said you looked like Harry Potter in yours... :')

Joe; the time when I jumped next to you (LIKE A NINJA) to get a picture with you and you didn't realise until seconds later when We'd already taken it and you ran away! Heehee, who ever heard of a milky bar kid who likes fruit pastilles ahaha ;') 

Alistair; the time we drank all the 'J2o' and kept giggling about nothing!

Tom; the La Fosca trip in year 9 when you kept doing that really funny big brother voice impression to everyone who walked by! :')

Edd; when you tried to explain the whole 911 conspiracy theory to me and I was clueless but tried to pretend that I got it so I didn't seem too dumb... :') 

Toby; When we had a long discussion about the rainbow stegosaurus and gingers and unicorns and acted like it was the most natural thing in the whole entire world (THEY ARE REAL!) :')

And now for my wonderful girlies!

Thea; the time we threw minuscule pebbles at people walking by from your bedroom window but only managed to actually hit on person, on the back- and they barely felt it...but we ducked dramatically every time anyway! :')

Laura; the time we went to the marina and the diamonds concert and a girl came up to me when I was wearing an obvious wig and told me how much she liked my dyed hair, and then going home and playing the game of life and talking until half 4 in the morning when you had to get up at 8! :')

Eleanor; in English all last year when we had to do an interview with a famous person and we chose Jennifer Aniston for her role in Marley and Me...and neither of us had seen it all the way through and just had to wing it with some of the info or just use Wikipedia :') 

Peebs; That day we went to London Zoo and laughed at the penguins, and giggled at the meerkats and 'awww'd at the seals...and how I was mesmerised by the fact you had your own debit card and thought you could buy the whole shop if you wanted too (turns out you couldn't...) :')

Becs; the time we went to the races all dressed up and it poured down with rain but we got a free goodie bag and had our heels sink in the mud, and when we first got there it was raining so much we just bought some crisps and chocolate and hid in the human part of the horse box away from the rain to eat them! :')

That's about it! If theres anyone I've missed; I'm sorry but I'd didn't know you read this... x

Anyhoo, all is pretty much okay here...please keep praying for Bridie and Daune! And just keep praying! And keep praying some more! Or send your thoughts out to them! Depending on your religion :) 

They will be missed, I know that <3

Much love, Befuddled and back from cornwall AND REALLY NOT SO BALD BUT INSTEAD A VIBRANT RED HEAD Baldy <3 x x x

Hurting...

So many people dying, so much death... I don't see how so much pain and suffering yet so much happiness and love can all fit into just one planet. Then again, I guess you can't really have one without  the other, can you?

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 

So what if I'm a different person? As so many people take such joy in pointing out to me...

Yes, I'm bitter, cynical, less tolerant and slightly more sharp tongued than I used to be...but you try going through what I went through and come out of it the exact same person you were before!

Explain to me, why? That's all I can think about...if there is someone watching over me...why would he let this happen? Why would he let me lose almost everything? Why would he do this to anyone? Not just me...

I was having an, um, argument with a friend...and that friend didn't understand how you can feel alone yet not be alone (as a lot of people don't understand).

I mean, sometimes I feel a bit like I'm surrounded by people who are trying so hard to help me and understand...but they just..can't. And I so badly want them to be able to help but I can't help what I feel... It's not like this thing has a booklet, or some kind of script that I'm meant to follow! I feel like even the safest places of my mind are being invaded by the demons that are my thoughts... 

Sometimes it's just so overwhelming! I don't get how so much frustration and anger at the world can fit into one girls brain! 

I hate the uncertainty!

I hate the fact I can't do what everybody else around me can!

I hate that people judge me, yet they don't get what I've been through!

I hate the fact I see people smoking every day and know what it's like to get the end outcome and know I didn't have a choice but these people did! 

I hate being pushed until I break!

I hate feeling weak, and unable!

I hate being pitied, like I'm abnormal!

And I hate feeling so frustrated!!

But none of that is going to change, no matter how many people tell me I'll be back to normal soon. I'll always be 'that girl who had cancer'. 

What is the definition of normal anyway?! Who gets to decide what's normal and what isn't? Why should you be normal just because you blend in to the background?

And why is it such a crime to speak your mind? Why is it so bad to try to show someone they're making a bad choice? Why is changing a crime? I won't change myself for anyone. Not even the 'new me'...I have lived this life being who I am, and I'm not going to change that just because a couple of people don't like who I've become. 

You call me selfish. And yeah, I guess I have become a bit selfish. But that's what happens when you're forced into survival mode. 

But you know what? YOU'RE the selfish one for not stepping back just one minute and thinking maybe, JUST maybe I might be totally torn up or broken on the inside....and stopping to think maybe you should just leave me alone this time. That maybe there's a reason I'm so upset and it's not just me being irrational. That you shouldn't take such a straight approach to things all the time, and that maybe I'm not being "inconsiderate", I'm trying to speak my mind even though I know it may be a bit harsh. And believe me, I wouldn't if I knew it was ridiculous. And just because I have concerns does not have some secondary meaning like I must be messed up in the head, or I love you, or I'm having a bad day and taking it out on you.

So, next time. Think. Because believe it or not- I stop and think about things before I say them to you. Theres lots I haven't said.

(that wasn't all about one person...just people in general. So sorry about the rant!) 

Anyway, sad and serious now. I would please like you all a prayer or send your thoughts out for Bridie and Daune. Two wonderful, inspiring people who both died in the last couple of weeks. I KNOW they're in a better place now, and I loved them both dearly though I didn't see them as often as I would of liked because of circumstances... RIP, I hope one day we will all see each other again.

Much love, befuddled and frustrated but now red haired, Baldy <3 x x 

P.S- this blog is now for Becky and Phoebe...who are my angels and who, without, I would have crumbled and gave in long ago... and who, both, are the closest to understanding than anyone in my life... And who have been there when I've cried and not cared if I've gotten mascara on their shoulders, and have stuck up for me even if they thought I was wrong because they knew I was hurting...I love you both and I do not know what I would do without you...You are BRILLIANT<3 x x x x