Happy 2014, Everyone

I'd like to say, 'A New Year- a new Me'- but I know that I just don't mean it. I never do, resolutions get more and more self improving and I never actually keep to them. I wish I did but I think keeping to 'Eat less chocolate' is being a little harsh on myself.
We're all a little harsh when it comes to resolutions though, I suppose- always looking at our faults, for things to improve in our personalities or bodies, when really we should be celebrating that we made it another year.
Life is difficult, and surviving it is a bloody great achievement, I think. So for everyone who is suffering an illness- congratulations on making it to 2014. And I don't just mean the cancer's and the auto immune's and the blood disorder's and whatnot, but the mental illnesses too. The depressions and the social anxiety's and the schizophrenia's, and all of you wonderful people. And to all you others too, the carers, the ones dealing with loss, or stress or actually the ones who are happy, the ones that remind us that it is strangely possible in this life. You've made it through another year too- and celebrate that tonight because though it happens every 365 days- it is an amazing achievement EVERY time it comes around.
                                             Happy 2014.

On a more personal note, to everyone who made it possible for me to be celebrating this.

To everyone who stuck by me this year (again), thank you, for everything. I wouldn't have made it without you. To the ones that left- you missed one hell of a ride.
To the friends that put up with the late night freak outs or the sad phone calls and the mood changes and the moments where I wasn't the good friend I should have been, it means so much to me that you stayed. You gave me courage.
To the family (and those close friends that aren't legally family but you are to me) who rang and messaged and kept me in your hearts and prayers- thank you. Every time you rang, or sent cards, you gave me hope.
To the baby sister, the one who never complained when I had to be put first, who had to watch me scream in agony or throw up and pretend to not be scared, and help. To the girl who had to grow up so fast, and who always showed nothing but love to me, even though sometimes I was perfectly horrid to you. You were so so brilliant, you beautiful girl, and you gave me strength.
To the parents- the Mum and Dad who had to watch their little girl go through all of the horrors that I had to go through, who had to worry that maybe they didn't get to keep me forever and who had to deal with all the tearful nights, the 'I can't do it any more' days and the months of me not being the daughter they knew any more. While everyone else gave me strength, hope and courage- You kept me alive.
And finally- to me. Because I survived. I SURVIVED. I am proud of that, no matter how small or big a victory it is to anyone else. Someone said to a friend of mine recently- 'Lily isn't the ONLY one in the world with cancer'. I know that's true, and I have some beautiful fighting friends that I have met and kept along the way- but just because I am the only one does not make my experience less painful, less awful or less amazing that I won it in the end. I am not the only one, and I only wish more were in the position I am in now, but I can say now that I am going into 2014 with fabulous friends, a brilliant boyfriend, fantastic family- and a tumour free chest. To all of you who made this even possible- 2014 is for you.

I leave you now, with the final words of the ninth Doctor:
                       "You were fantastic. And you know what?
                                    So was I."

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy New Year.
Always, and indebted.
B. Baldy x

In the beginning there was... anger, apparently

At the beginning of all this- cancer, I mean- I used to be so horrible to everyone around me. Like, so selfish and nasty and would snap at everyone and get really annoyed if I didn't get what I wanted. I was particularly horrible to family and friends (my folks, mostly) and I do regret that. But I hope that they know it wasn't me. Well, it was. But it wasn't- if you see what I mean. 

I think cancer can do that to a person. I was just so angry at what had happened, so angry that I had lost EVERYTHING- so angry that I now saw some things that I was perfectly fine with before, but suddenly didn't accept. I don't think I ever stop to think what other people were losing around me, or by acting so pathetically that I was causing them to lose ME.

Then when I was given the all clear for the second time, I had this strange sensation that I was missing something. That I wasn't ready to let go of the cancer, that I had lived with it for what had seemed an age and it was MINE, that it defined me. I remember crying, crying because it was over but also crying because I wanted it back. None of the horrible parts obviously, like the infections or the pain or the sickness and definitely not the fatigue- but cancer somehow gave me purpose. Like I had something to fight/fight for suddenly. Well, until I got a chest pain one afternoon in school and then the paranoia that I would have to do it all over again kicked in. Didn't love the cancer so much after THAT.

I suppose when I was re-diagnosed, I had this panic that I would be exactly how I was before and lose friends because of it (actually, turns out having cancer loses you friends anyway, no matter how you try to be nice) or that I would not actually be able to fight it and forever be known as the girl who was horrible right before she kicked it from cancer. That's why I decided to be better, to try to think of other people and get out more rather than lying on the sofa feeling utterly sorry for myself. It was sort of like a do-over of my cancer experience. I mean, I hated having cancer half the time; the infections, the agony, the staring in the street, the hair loss, all of it was horrific and I wouldn't ever wish it upon anyone or ever go through it again- but it's part of me now, and I'm glad I acted like I did the second time round (for the most part). Cancer doesn't define me, but it did make me who I am now. Hopefully that's a better person, a nicer person, but only time against number of friends will tell that (joking). Right now, in this moment, among every other moment from now on, I feel like I can fully live without my cancer. Not without my 'cancer friends' that I met along the way, or without remembering what it was like, or how I got through it, but just without that tumour and without the chemo. It seems strange saying how I can FINALLY live withOUT it, but I think that any way of life becomes normal if you live it long enough- and although it's nice being better, truthfully I miss some of the days where I only had to worry that I wasn't going to make it home from chemo in time to watch the Kardashians, or that my biggest stress was that I had slept through Made In Chelsea while in hospital and they don't have catch up TV. And I know that they weren't my only worries- like I had the 'will the neuropathy come back' or 'will I be sick with this one' or 'will I be in pain forever' or even the 'will I die' at some points, but all of them seemed normal to me, and getting back to normal life is much harder than leaving it, I've found.

I'm glad I'm getting back now. It's nice, it's like coming home after a long trip and being jet lagged and knowing you have to unpack all the suitcases is overwhelmingly stressful but you're happily tired because nothing can take away the fact that you're HOME.

In the words of Gloria Gaynor, I WILL Survive.

Love to you all (or whatever is left of you), Befuddled <3

P.S- I wrote this at 3am so please don't take any of what it says to be anything less than my subconscious rambling about the silliest things. Much Love, B x

*Strrrreeeeeesssssss*

Hey everyone, I'm not sure how many people are still reading this as I haven't posted in so, so long. But to the remaining few- Hallo!
Not all that much has happened since I last wrote, to be perfectly honest. A lot of work, and I mean A LOT OF WORK is being done at the moment in my room. By me. I think my eyes are sore from how many things I've had to read and re-read. *Streeeeeesss*
We went to Ireland in half term- for Halloween- which was nice. Although, I have to be honest and say that actually I didn't feel too, TOO safe there being so far from a hospital since I was only three and a half months out of treatment. I also missed my familiar room and all my routines so it was a little difficult. Though actually I had fun- and it was nice seeing all of my relatives.
I came back and had a whole WEEK off school (which, in itself, was hoooorrible- I was going stir crazy) because of, what they found in the end was, a vitamin D deficiency. Brilliant. So that brought difficulties as I can't swallow tablets so I'm now on drops and crushed up tablets. Then, I had a fertility appointment to check how my hormones and everything were doing after treatment- and that included a pelvic scan and some blood tests. So in that week alone I had three blood tests on three consecutive days- what a nightmare!! Then it was just work and school, trying to catch up on everything, although I did have to drop an A Level subject and accept the fact that I was going to have to do three years of sixth form- I think that's the best thing for me though. I'm way less stressed and tired than I was before, and managing a heck of a lot better.
And then, a couple weeks ago, I had my fertility results appointment. Unfortunately they told me that I won't actually be able to have my own children and that my ovaries have basically shut down. I think it was one of the worst things I have ever had to sit through, and for about a week after I beat myself up about it- going through lists of things I would trade for it back in my head at night, or wondering if I could have done something different and it wouldn't have happened, or chosen the other less damaging treatment when I was given the option at fourteen. Of course, now I'm thinking slightly more rationally, I realise that my fourteen year old self would not have been thinking of having kids or keeping her fertility- but rather just keeping fighting and giving herself the best chance possible. So she should have been, and I don't really regret that decision at all. I guess in those low points, I swung between feeling as if everything had been taken from me, or that I was just a failure as a girl. One thing women are able to do- conceive, have children- and I can't even do it. I know its irrational, and actually completely against half of my feminist views to think that that is the one thing women are really good at, but hey ho. I don't think people my age, my friends, understand, just like they don't understand what I really went through during treatment or how hard recovery is. Its one of those things where you have to really have seen how much someone has lost, felt how someone has felt- I guess you just have to put yourself in that persons position. And I know that's impossible for some people, for most people even. I don't begrudge anyone that, but I think that friends- even though they don't understand, even though they don't GET IT, they're there because they know how much it hurts YOU.
Anyway- enough of the heavy heavy. I went to the christmas fayre this weekend, the same one I wrote about a couple years ago when I first began my treatment. All I could think when I was there was that I had walked the same path through the same stalls, smelled the same christmassy smells at the beginning of my cancer journey and that I was back again- but better. Stronger. A new person, really, I think. I'm more mature, but I don't take myself too seriously. I even got my face painted in New Look! It's always a high point, having people stare as I- a sixteen year old sixth former- sit and get a snowman painted on my face.
I love Christmas time though, and I really always feel like the Christmas Fayre is the beginning of the Christmas season (I was listening to christmas music weeks ago but shhh). The other lovely thing in November was that I went to London with my boyfriend, to see all the christmas decorations and to visit the christmas sections in Harrods and Selfridges. We got lost once (on Oxford/Regent street) but apart from that it was an AWESOME day and we didn't even feel the cold or how far we'd walked- it was too exciting! And then in the evening it was all topped off by snuggling at home watching the DOCTOR WHO 50TH SPECIAL WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND TOM BAKER WAS IN IT AND IM NOT EVEN GOING TO GO ON ABOUT IT BECAUSE I'LL COME ACROSS AS A TOTAL DORK.
Anyway- it's been an up and down couple of weeks, and I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, and I probably won't write for a while because I have so much work- but stay with me, loveys. I'm not going anywhere.
Lots of love, Not at all bald anymore but definitely still Befuddled <3

"Life moves pretty fast... If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it."

The title is my most favourite Ferris Bueller quote, and I thought it seemed appropriate for this post, not sure why, I just felt in my heart that it was right. Hmm... I'm not really sure how to start this one, folks. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I just find it hard to put down on paper what I feel, and writing has to come from the heart- and my heart only has so much energy at the moment.

I suppose the first thing to mention is that I'm CURED! Its wonderful news, news I have waited far too long to hear, and every time that I think it in my head I get butterflies at all the possibilities for my future. 

The thing is, I think far too many people think that once I get the news that I'm clear of cancer- I am suddenly better and able to do everything again. Let me tell you with certain clarity that THIS IS NOT TRUE. In my honest opinion, I think recovery is harder than treatment. Treatment is awful, don't get me wrong... But I know how to deal with treatment- throw up, lose hair, aches and pains, fevers, sniffles, throw up, cry, shivers, flu-y, throw up. Once I got used to treatment, I wasn't so bad at it. Sure, I never enjoyed it and felt like crap the whole time I was on it- but I knew what I had to do. I had to fight, always. But then, when the urge to keep fighting every minute of every day is gone, its an odd kind of useless 'I don't quite know what to do now' feeling. I love being off treatment, and love not feeling like hell, but it's like going through all the doubts that you get with becoming an adolescent all at once. I'd been putting them off while I was on treatment, when I was on treatment all I could think of was fighting for my life. Now I feel slightly purposeless, like I'm trying to find my place in a world where everyone at the same level as me has already chosen theirs. The exhaustion doesn't help, either. At some point I'm going to have to accept that my body isn't up to the same capability and that I have to stop striving to match everyone else's strength. Unluckily for my body, that point isn't right now nor is it the very near future.
It's really quite odd, not being 'sick' anymore... 'Life is hard, and awful' and blah blah blah, and sure, I hated the fact that I was sick, but fighting for my life gave me an attitude and a mind that I don't think I could have found any other way. Before I got sick, the littlest things used to bring me down, wish I wasn't here anymore, wish that I had never been born- but when there was the possibility of it being taken away, it's like something clicked. Things are different now, I stop to look around now, take in my surroundings, remember that even when I'm exhausted and wish I could just crawl into my bed and never come out again, that I am living, that I am BREATHING, and that it's the most wonderful thing in the world. And I was thinking this the other day, and I came to the conclusion: Knowing that I have endless potential, and that I am surrounded by people who love me, and who believe in me and knowing that I will live (hopefully) a long and completely unpredictable but definitely human future makes me not care about feeling like I am a bit useless. Because you know what? Just because I am not fighting for my life anymore, does not mean that I am not fighting. And let me tell you, I will fight every day of the rest of my life for my place on this earth. Because that IS my purpose, I realised. It's the very thing that I've been fighting for the past two years. Just Me. Everything that I am, everything that I will be, everything that I could be- even everyone who makes me who I am. And if there was something that I learnt from having doubts, is that I always have the option to pick myself up again, and I'm definitely sure I will have to- but that's life, and I'm going to LIVE every minute of it.

The only way to repay the people who helped me through this, and who held my hand through my pain and wiped away my tears and stayed up to ungodly hours talking to me- or the people who had to sit and watch, and could do nothing, or even the people who sent silent support and prayers, the only REAL way to repay them is to show them that I appreciate what they helped me save. And I promise you all that I will do that- I'm going to shine, folks- and its because of you that I am. If you truly feel like you are special, you ARE special. And to all of you, you made a glittering firefly out of a average blue bottle.. So thank you.

My love to you, all you beautiful humans,

Befuddled, and feeling more glow worm than firefly because it's so bloomin' late, Baldy x o x o

(Also, to anyone out there that has felt the same way as me- You. Are. Worth. The. Fight. And you will shine so brightly, just don't let the bad parts of life stop you from staying around long enough to feel the good parts. Everyone glows, it just takes a while to really shine.)

Danger: Krispy Kremes

Hello everyone!!
I'm so sorry I've been so lax with writing my blog. I have been a bit busy with high dose, and then trying to reassemble my life. Slowly but surely it IS happening. Listening to songs like "I'm coming out" by Diana Ross helps, makes me feel motivated and like "Yeah.. I AM coming out!". Though not like that, I mean coming outside, and even half the time I don't even go outside. It's really a metaphorical thing.
So. Things I have been doing. Not much, to be perfectly honest with you all. I had a sleepover with my girlies, and that was amazing and I enjoyed that immensely. Though I have decided that krispy kreme doughnuts are definitely a hazard when put in front of me. Seriously, man, those glazed are just to die for. And also, that watching scary movies with a girl that spooks easily and has a deafening scream is definitely not a good idea! Mostly it's just been getting used to all my appointments at adult oncology/haematology. And internet shopping. It's really an addiction.
I'm already getting ready for school- sixth form this time- and I can't wait to start my life again! All non uniform, and brain challenging school work here I come!
Also, I sent my application for 'Find Your Sense Of Tumour' in. I would love to go, it really just sounds so wonderful! And I would love to meet others and hear other stories. Cancer's a lonely disease, y'know.
A while back I did some filming for Jimmyteens on a project called 'One Week in Cancer' so if anyone has any curiosity as to what I look like on video, then here is the link:
http://jimmyteens.tv/2013/08/01/one-week-in-cancer-meet-the-owic-filmmakers/

Anyway. I will definitely post more often as I miss you all and the general excitement of sharing my seemingly boring life(at the moment, anyway)!
Love to you all,
Befuddled, and still frustratingly a Baldy <3

The Prom Before-Party

Well, firstly I would like to say that I am writing this while wearing a unicorn themed onesie. I kid you not, Topshop actually does onesies that look like unicorns (even has the horn on the hood). Which, for me, is fabby... Although it looks more like a babygrow, really. Complete with the poppers down the front and everything. Enough of my unusual bedtime fashion choices.
So these past couple of weeks have been eventful. I had all my tests, and everything has pretty much come back fine in time for my high dose chemotherapy next week, which I suppose is excellent. With all the packing and everything, I'm trying to convince myself I'm going on holiday rather than on horrific cancer-ridding treatment.
Anyway, after the tests came my BIRTHDAY!! On which I turned sweet sixteen (I can now buy a cow) and had a wonderful day with the family, and got various nerdy doctor who themed gifts as well as gorgeous jewellery and books. One of which, "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green, I am convinced has changed my life. Surprisingly, that's not me being over dramatic- I really do believe that it's changed my opinion on many things for the better. So definitely all hats off to you, John Green, for being such a wizard of words.
Unfortunately on my "birthweek" I had some sort of sinus-y infection thing which made me rather unattractive and sniffly so I do apologise to anyone who had to deal with me, especially the good people at Call the Midwife, who had to put up with my sniffling for a whole day at the readthrough on the Wednesday. If you want the full details on that, you'll have to go to the Call the Midwife facebook page, as I wrote a blog piece for it. It was an amazing day, and Heidi and Steve even introduced my Mum and I to this wonderful spiritual shop with all sorts of healing crystals and the like. They called it 'the spooky shop', I believe... and it was rather spooky. But a wonderful kind of spooky, if you know what I mean. The kind that makes you want to touch everything in it to soak up the magic and the spookiness. I bought several crystals and a set of tarot cards with a book on how to learn them. I'm not doing so well with the tarot cards so far, as I'm easily frustrated, but I will carry on and be wonderful at them by the end! I'm determined to learn!!
So all in all that was a really wonderful day, even though I felt like some kind of sniffly green phlegm monster... Definitely not my most attractive week.
On the 30th, it was my birthday party of sorts. I'd decided what a good thing to do would be to go to Banham Zoo with all my friends. And it seemed like a worse and worse idea as I got nearer to the day, but when we got there it couldn't have been a better one. It's quite funny, really, just how excited 15/16 year olds get at the prospect of seeing all these "exotic" animals and being generally close to them. You'd have thought we'd have gotten past this kind of childish giddiness, but apparently not. It's just as well we haven't, as we wouldn't have had nearly as fun a time as we did if we had. If that sentence made any sense whatsoever. We even went on the little train, and into the lemur enclosure! And oh, the goat adventure!
Basically, there are two gates into the goat petting enclosure. And the inner gate has to always be closed for the outer gate to open so that the goats never escape. Anyway, so we arrived there and all piled into the space between the outer gate and the inner gate... Though, as soon as we opened the inner gate, these three miniature goats flooded in and wouldn't leave. So, essentially we were trapped in a very small space with three (might I say, very temperamental) goats. This is 12 teenagers and three goats. A kind of strange herding process began to happen then, but to no avail, and soon enough the goats even started to have mini goat fights with each other. Eventually, a girl of roughly about seven years old came along and was able to coax the goats out, but not before people had seen how 12 teenagers had reacted when stuck in an enclosed space with such seemingly angry goats. And let me tell you, we did not react well. This all happened within the first ten minutes of being at the zoo. Lets just say, we avoided the petting zoo after that.
After seeing 'Steve', which is what Evie had named the red panda, we headed to a kiosk- where I got a medal because I had a massive birthday badge on, courtesy of Becky.
Ben, Laura, Evie, Becky, Phoebe and I ran away from Tom, Matt, Joe, Jordan, other Matt and other Ben at one point to take selfies with the giraffes. Giraffes are my favourite apart from the penguins, I think. Although I do have a massive soft spot for the lemurs too.
When we arrived home, I was all ready to get the cake out and start eating and drinking and the like, but apparently that was not to be. As I was still messing with some of the (ultra nerdy but absolutely wonderful and the best kind of stuff) presents that I'd been given, I was whisked off upstairs by all the girls, with them claiming they were going to "make me over". At first, this wasn't at all suspicious, and I went along with it... Even when they dressed me up in one of my best dresses I went along with it. When they got dressed and made up too, I was slightly weirded out. Although watching Evie and Becky struggle to connect glow sticks was probably the most amusing thing I've had the pleasure to watch in a while. When everyone put on heels and headed back downstairs (bear in mind I hadn't been allowed to leave the top floor for all this time), I was slightly suspicious. Even more suspicious when Mum and Dad insisted on taking quite a few photos, and even more suspicious when I heard music coming from the tightly closed sitting room door. Turns out, I had a right to be suspicious! I was pushed through the door into a dark room filled with a disco ball and lasers and also full of the boys (all seven of them) all decked out in suits! My wonderful and thoughtful and GENERALLY SUPER AND AMAZING friends had decided that since it was my birthday and also since I am unfortunately not going to be able to make it to my prom (due to the fact that I'm going to be in intensive treatment)- to throw me a prom-birthday party! I like to call it the Prom Before-Party, rather than a Prom After-Party. And I even got voted the Prom Queen and had to slow dance with my Prom King (which was totally delightfully cringey). It was just the most wonderful evening and I will never forget it. My friends are most definitely the most supportive, amazing friends in the world and I love them all so much. So a massive thank you to all of them (especially you, Matt H, for organising it mostly and conspiring with my folks).
Then I pretty much turned into a recluse for a few days, not really wanting to do much and wanting to just recover. Finally today I went out to lunch with my Dad, and we went and ate noodles. It was really quite yummy, and I joked about us being ladies who lunched. Afterwards we went shopping, and then to Bury for yet more shopping with Matt... I don't think I should use my card for quite a while now, oops! Although I did buy this most wonderful unicorn onesie, and some much needed stuff for high dose. Then finally, to top off another wonderful day, my whole family and I, plus Matt, went to see Star Trek: Into Darkness. WHICH I LOVED. Mainly because I'm slightly in love with Benedict Cumberbatch and he was in it, so I spent most of it drooling at the screen (metaphorically... if it was literally, that would be quite embarrassing for such a social situation, even if it is in darkness). I have decided that as soon as the sun comes out, it means good karma for me. As most sunny days seem to brilliant ones. SO BRING ON THE SUN!
Anyway, I hope you all are well, and seeing as it is nearly four in the morning, I better skedaddle to bed.
I love you all, and wish every one of you the best. If I don't write too soon, it is probably because I'm too ill. Or asleep. I never know the difference between the two any more.
If I may, I would like to leave you with a quote from "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green.
"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations", which I think sums up how I feel perfectly.
Sending love to you all from the Chesterfield Bat Cave (which is now what I call my room).
Befuddled, and worried that karma is giving her whip lash with its mood swings, Baldy <3

Le Sweet Sixteen

Hey there! How are y'all? Well, I hope you are all well. (That always sounds vaguely threatening... Sorry).
I've been meaning to write more on here, but the truth is I don't know what to say anymore. People say just to write down my dreams and aspirations and general feelings on here, but to be quite honest I don't know what my dreams and aspirations are anymore- I could be anything, go anywhere. As for my feelings, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I have such a mix of emotions that I have no idea which is which anymore. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a confusing thing. So I apologise for not writing, I just haven't the words.
My life at the moment pretty much consists of watching tv, reading comics, and spending inordinate amounts of time on the internet. I'm so productive...
I wish I could write a really inspiring blog post, something brave or funny or cute, but instead I only have a set of boring and sarcastic words at my disposal.
My blood results have finally come up, and my neutrophils are now at 2.2, which means I'm officially out of neutropenia (after almost four weeks of it!) so I can actually get out and about. Whoop whoop!
So, Mum and I went to see The Great Gatsby in the cinema yesterday, and it was FABBY. Although I love Baz Luhrmann and Leonardo DiCaprio anyway, so I suppose I'm biased.
I have my hospital day tomorrow, and then my Leavers day on Friday, and then Saturday my sister comes back from France!! I'm so excited because I really miss her... Although I'm sure she's having far too much fun to miss me much! I'm so jealous she's getting all the good weather!
And of course it's my birthday soon. Le sweet sixteen! Finally... I mean, most of my friends are already sixteen... My tiniest friend, Phoebe, (that sounds weird and makes it seem like she's thumbelina, especially considering she's actually only a little bit shorter than me) now calls me 'titch' as even she is older than me. I love this pre-birthday period where I get more and more excited and the cards arrive and it's all preparing for the big day and oooh, just wonderful. But then when it actually gets to my birthday I suppose it'll be really anti-climatic. I have asked for a book on unicorn farming from my parents... So I'm excited to learn how to breed and keep unicorns.
Anyway, I'm so sorry I don't have more to say- I'm sure I will next week as so much is going on! But until then, adieu!
Much love,
Befuddled and excited for her upcoming sweet sixteenth Baldy <3

Sprummer time, and the living is uneasy...

Well hallo everyone! Is everyone having a nice Sprummer? Thats a mash up between spring and summer... Although actually it seems way more like winter at the moment, to be honest. The weather is awful.
So, what's been happening, you ask? Well. On Monday night I was admitted into hospital for, yes- you guessed it- coldsores. It's like Revenge of the red hot poker nose... So anyway, I had a small army of coldsores on my nose (which is horribly painful and slightly embarrassing) and had to be put on IV acyclovir as I was already on a prophylactic dose of it and that obviously wasn't working. It really didn't help that I was neutrapenic, so I felt grotty and ugh and just hid under my blanket in hospital like "UGH GO AWAY WORLD ASDFGHJK"... But then I got better on Wednesday and managed to play wii tennis with Lucy in the social area of the TCT ward, before going home on Thursday! Then on Friday, Mum went to Ireland, so it was just Lucy and Dad and I, and we kind of just watched TV and hung out...
Saturday. Well, that was an interesting day. We went downtown (which probably wasn't a good idea anyway because of the whole neutrapenia situation) but then when we were in a clothes store I sat down for a couple minutes because I was tired, and Lucy and Dad couldn't find me. They decided to leave the store to  look for me, and I stood up after a while and after not being able to find them, went into full panic mode (hyperventilating and everything) and ran up the high street looking for my family. Let me tell you, no matter how old I get- being lost in town without family and my phone is the most terrifying thing ever. I think I was more scared then than I have been when having massive needles and tubes stuck in my arm. I was a couple minutes off running back home with my arms flailing! Anyway, I ended up running into my Dad, who was looking for me too. And then Lucy hugged me and told me off for wandering off and worrying her. Which was adorable and totally put me in my place.
I'm going slightly crazy from not doing much, but I'm too tired to really do much. Also the neutrapenic issue. Everyone else has GCSE's at the moment (GOOD LUCK Y'ALL) which I'm actually strangely devastated that I'm not doing. And I'm slowly getting over the crippling fear of the high dose treatment that's looming over me. Although sometimes I have moments where I think about it and just think "OH DEAR NO WHERE SHOULD I RUN" but then that's silly so I just calm down and go on tumblr or something equally entertaining and uplifting. Sprummer time has really been the most uneasy time for me.
So it's been a very up and down week... Although now I'm just going to try and focus on having fun and being well-ish and generally try and get out of the house before a month long stint in hospital! Hopefully that includes an awesome birthday on the 28th and a great day out at the zoo on the 29th!
That was a much less uplifting blog post than I had anticipated. Oh well!
I hope you are all well, and that the awful weather isn't deterring you from eating lots of 99 ice creams, or wearing gorgeous sunnies with giant hats that look like they could hold the worlds oceans in their brim!
Much Love,
Befuddled, and very much in denial about what the future holds for her, Baldy <3

Morphing into a Mr Whippy

So, Friday I totally had my last dose of chemo- and that'll take me a couple weeks to recover from, but after that I'm free for roughly a month! Well, except for the tests and appointments I mentioned in a previous blog post! But still, a month off chemo is fabby, and I'm looking forward to not being neutrapenic and being able to eat all the salad and unpasteurised cheeses and Mr Whippy ice cream I want! Mwahaha, I shall go mad on Mr Whippy! In fact, I shall turn into a Mr Whippy!
Its Mums birthday today, so we're watching Gone With The Wind, all four hours of it. I think Scarlett is possibly the most annoying woman I have ever had to watch. I do like the grace of the southern belles though... Nibbles and movies, Mum wanted, but we might do something else tomorrow, considering it's a bank holiday!
Yesterday, my friend Thea (who I've known 13 years) came round, because Mum had a few friends over for bubbly and then out to tea. My cousin was here too, so we watched 21 Jump Street and generally giggled for hours, which I regret slightly now as my stomach is sore from laughing.
Tomorrow I start filming for the jimmyteens One Week in Cancer project! I'm really quite excited, it should be fun! Although I'm not sure my week will be very interesting, I don't have much planned- except from a hospital appointment on Friday! Although, Dad said we might go punting or to the coast to a funfair on Saturday! Mum's in Ireland, so its just Lucy, Daddy and I for the weekend!
Oooh, and of course my birthday is also coming up so hopefully I'm going to the zoo with some friends! I hope to go to Banham as there's a petting zoo, and nothing is more fun than petting zoos! Animals are the best, they're so cute, and so unable to hurt you while behind glass or bars... Yay!
I hope you are all well, I'll update you all about my hospital appointment and my week on Sunday!
Much love,
Befuddled and sore stomached from so much giggling Baldy <3

Proud Sisterly Behaviour

I am officially the proudest sister in the world. My sister and her friends went to a recording studio- and they recorded a demo of John Legends 'Ordinary People'...

I'm so proud of her. Really, I am. She doesn't want people to hear it but I shall find a way...
In other news, I've finished my fourth round of chemo, which means I now have about a month off treatment before high dose. I still have hospital appointments but they're just kidney function and lung function and echocardiogram tests... So they're not a big deal.
I'm not really up to much these days, I had a fever for most of last night after a drug called Dacarbazine was given (it causes flu like symptoms) and had crippling nausea for most of the night so I couldn't do much. Ah well. The things you have to do to get better, eh?
I'm also taking part in Jimmyteens 'One week in Cancer' video project, which is exciting and amazing! If any of you haven't heard of jimmyteens, they're an amazing website, with so many brave patients and survivors and family and friends. They really are inspiring and have actually helped me with some of my cancer fears! I highly recommend people check it out!
Anyhoo! I love you all, and will post again soon!
Much love,
Befuddled, pale and for some reason wanting spicy food but knowing it will hurt her later Baldy <3

Glorious Baldidity

Well... I'm officially the worst blogger ever. I'm terribly sorry I haven't kept you guys up to date, I've been busy with revision and work and sleeping and eating and curling up in the foetal position.
Anyway, not much has actually been happening, really. I've been preoccupied with chemo (which is not fun, as it turns out. Who would've thought it?) and generally being ill. I'm on my fourth round of chemo though- which means I am done the "easy" bit of this treatment regime! Also, I only have a couple more months of treatment to go, which is nice. Although knowing that those are going to be miserable months is not very nice. High dose does not sound like fun. Oh! And I'm being moved to adult oncology soon, as I'm going to be sixteen in a few weeks! That means I can do all sorts of stuff! Like buy a cow. Or a tractor. Or a scratch card! The latter seems more likely...
I had a hair appointment today. Yes, I do know I don't have any hair. It was for a wig... Let me tell you, having a wig-hair appointment is the weirdest thing ever. But it actually looks fab, so I'm really pleased! I can totally go out and people not know I'm ill now! It's real hair, which I thought would be creepy and had all these nightmare images in my head of the hair taking over my soul or something, but its actually so soft that I don't care. I could spend all day stroking it... I get the best if both worlds now! So when its all hot and sticky in summer (well, you never know, it COULD happen...) and you guys are all sweaty and uncomfortable with your hair and trying to tie it up so your necks don't get too hot, I'll just be chilling with my suncream covered glorious baldness all cool and relaxed. And then if its cold, I can totally put on my wig and be like the rest of you. So nuh. Plus I can totally draw on my head and do harry hill impressions better than y'all.
I've decided that the best new summer thing is breaking into song every now and then. Random moments, and just in the middle of anything- just burst into an uplifting song, it really does help with the moods.
Like, recently, I've either been singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth (a peoples favourite) and "Don't you forget about me" by Simple Minds... Although no one seems to get the fist pumping with that song.
Also, random jazz hands are a brilliant thing. I think it should be made a legality that at a certain time of day everyone in the country has to do jazz hands. It would be EPIC.
Anyway. Away from the nonsense! I'm really going to try to write more... I know I said that last time, but I think I have more to say now. I hope you are all well, and I love you all!
Goodbye for now,
Le Befuddled Baldy <3
Also, Matt is fabulous. None of you need to know who he is, or what he does. Just know, wherever you are in the world, that he is fabulous, and is made of unicorns and pixie dust and rainbows. Goodnight.

The Patrick Stewart double act...

Hallo all!
Unfortunately this is just a brief post (sorry, I'm extremely flaky at the moment)- and it's to say that my wonderful aunt Binne and her boyfriend (everybody say oooooh) are shaving their heads for charity in April! So we shall all be befuddled baldys together! Although I don't think Binne and Mike fully understand how long it takes to choose suitable hats for every mood, and how cold their ears will get (VERY COLD, ITS SHOCKING)... But I think they're very brave and I love them immensely for what they're doing- they're the cooliest (it's totally a word, shhh). Also- Binne, I'm very sure you won't look like Kevin Spacey OR Patrick Stewart... Although that would amuse me muchly if you did, no offence. Love you's.
So here's a link if you would like to check it out, and they're raising money- so if you want to (NO PRESSURE GUYS...pressure pressure pressure... I'm joking.) please feel free to donate!
Love to you all, especially Binne and Mike,
Befuddled Baldy!<3

This be the lovely people!

and this be the VERY IMPORTANT LINK!!!! ------> http://www.mycharity.ie/fundPageTemplateX.php?urlRef=binne_mike_sudden_hair_loss

The Easter Bunnys Worst Nightmare

Well, hello there, wonderful people! How are you all? I am halfway through my second course of chemo at the moment, and it sucks. Majorly. The side effects are irritating, and not pleasant. Sore mouth, sensitive skin, tummy ache, nausea, trouble sleeping... Tis a wonderful journey.
Last time I refused to wear scarfs, as I thought they too obviously screamed 'CANCER', but this time I think its fairly obvious anyway, so I bought (when I say 'I', I mean Mum) a really pretty one from Accessorize... It has butterflies on it. In fact, I was wearing it the other day in Waitrose (whilst stocking up on ice tea and antibacterial hand gel) when it happened again. About a year ago, I posted a blog about some girl staring at me in Tesco (it always seems to happen in supermarkets...) and it happened again, in Waitrose, but worse!
So I was casually wheeling around the trolley, and this couple passed me- and because I was wearing the scarf and I was pretty pale, it was obvious I had Le Cancer. Anyway, this dude (in the aforementioned couple) just blatantly stared. This was fine, I just smiled and carried on. But, you know when somethings reeeaaally interesting or shocking, and you pretend to casually walk past it again just so you can stare again (come on, we've aaall done it)? Well, he did that. The awkward thing was that he did it twice. And I caught him staring both times. It was quite an awkward moment for both of us... Especially the third time, when I was holding a big easter egg adorned with butterflies that looked quite similar to my butterfly scarfed egg shaped head. I should probably just avoid supermarkets (while bald, I mean. I'm not turning into a recluse or anything.) from now on...
OOH! Speaking of! EASTER, yay! I mean, Easter on chemo kind of sucks, because chocolate pretty much tastes awful to me (I KNOW, IT'S TRAGIC) but it's still fun to see the world full of chocolate and see who gets sick of creme eggs first (nearly always me). Ooh, and easter egg hunts are fun! Although, Lucy and I were having a discussion about this, and about whether I'd be slightly sensitive to all the hype as my head is rather egg-like. We decided that if I were to get too bitter, I could always paint my head like an easter egg and hide in the bushes with just the top of it showing... And then as soon as an Easter egg Hunter found me- I could jump out and scream at them. Hence ruining Easter. I could be the opposite of the Easter Bunny... What eats bunnies? I could be the Easter Ferret! Thats a horrifying prospect...A bald painted girl jumping out at unsuspecting easter egg hunters claiming to be the Easter Bunnys worst nightmare... Hmm, although that does sound fun, it also sounds rather psychotic and mean, and I would never be able to paint my own head like an easter egg convincingly. Its a completely unrealistic plan. Anyhoo! I have to go now, I made homemade lemonade earlier (domestic goddess that I am...not) and it is properly chilled so I'm going to enjoy it. Or make others enjoy it for me. Either works for me! Much love to all you's!
Le Befuddled Baldy <3

Hallo there again, beautiful people!

Hey! I haven't written in really quite a while... I guess I didn't really known what to say. Its difficult to find words in this kind of situation. It's difficult to sum up feelings or emotions, to actually say or write what is happening, especially when half the time I have absolutely no idea what's going on myself! 

Anyway, so to update everyone- I have unfortunately relapsed. It's the same as before; classical Hodgkins. And still curable (YAY). Just means more normal chemo, and stem cell-y stuff on top of really intensive chemo after the normal chemo. So...not so fun. 

I've already finished the first course of chemo, which is cool! So I'm a quarter of the way through the normal chemo already! And I didn't throw up once. Yay! They're giving me these daily injections at the moment, to boost my bone marrow for stem cell harvest this week... But unfortunately that might not happen... My body decided that it was going to be difficult and get a bug and cold sore (like last time, ugh) and now I'm in hospital on antibiotics and antivirals... For reals. It seems sorta ridiculous, just for a cold sore and stuff, but apparently I'm febrile neutropenia category at the moment... Which means really low white blood cell/neutrophil count... I think. Don't quote me on any of this medical information, guys, just in case... 

But yeah. I'm still holding up. I dyed some of my hair blue, before I lost it all again. And then I cut it all off. It's so depressing losing it all, you know? When it comes out on the pillow, and it makes it worse, so I decided to just go for it. Regretted it right after, and then couldn't look in a mirror without a hat for a while... But I'm used to it now. It's just hair, and to be honest, the hats are fabby. I'm back to all my old hat collecting habits... I have a snazzy 1920's style one, and lots of ones that look like bears... And a new giant fluffy one with big floppy ears that makes me look like an Ewok when I wear it! It's lush... And ridonkulously warm. 

Ooh! I forgot to mention earlier with all the medical stuff, I'm now on the TCT Ward for inpatient stuff... It's amazing! It's so... Teen! It really caters for my age group, it's amazing... And also, there's other teens here to chat to! Which is really nice, as it's nice to talk to other people about the gross stuff. Like hair loss and side effects and the gruesome tumour or blood stuff... because normally people pale a little if I try to go into it too much (hehe)... 

Anyhoo! It's stupidly late, and I should be asleep- but I'm feeling a little rotten and had a milkshake (not eating properly so it's a special nutrients milkshake),  and a flat sprite (nausea, it actually works-try it some time) not so long ago, so I'm still wide awake, which is annoying. So I'm probably going to listen to some calming music (Pfft lies, all lies...) before drifting off. 

Sorry it took me so long to write on here again! I shall try to write more and ore in the months to come! 

Lots of love to all you beautiful people! 

Very much the Befuddled Baldy again <3