Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!! ;)

Well, nothing much has happened today. We got up, and ate breakfast...Then headed back to the Hospital. Today was much better nausea-wise. Hardly any, well- not much anyway.
And in Hospital we played word games, and funny drawing games, and lego and of course, Hangman... That helped a lot. Of course, it DID help that my aunties were there to distract me...but they have to leave tomorrow :( I hope they come again soon, as it was awesome having them here...Much Love to Muirne and Binne! <3
After that, we stopped off at the Concourse in Addenbrookes to buy some sweets- and someone cut ahead of us in line at the till. Binne and I muttered loudly about "How could anyone skip in front of a cancer patient?" and "Was I going to be okay?"- and I presume he felt guilty, especially with all the shifty sideward glances he was shooting us. So very funny... :D
Then we just went home, and I got visited!! The wonderful Miss' Phoebe and Laura came to see me this afternoon, which was luverly! We chatted about parties, and people and revision and Love Lives and the usual Teenage stuff- which was nice...it made me feel relatively normal.
And then I just lounged about when they left, and talked to my wonderful Daddy... :) <3
And wrote my Santa List! Oh, this years isn't as demanding as last years...but still... :D
My nose is terribly sore, though. And my feet are tingling awfully...eugh. Bloomin' Chemo!!
My Christmas List:
 ·       Florence and the Machine- Ceremonials [CD]
 ·       Horrible Bosses [DVD]
·       Barry M Dazzle Dust in both ‘Fawn’ and ‘Midnight’
·       A Barry M Lip gloss wand in ‘Cherry Glitter’
·       A new mascara
·       MAC eyeliner, but if that’s not possible could I please have a Rimmel one?

We're now all watching 'Mary Poppins', and its lovely to watch an old Disney, with all the lovely songs and cheery dispositions... Chim chimmeny chim chim cheroo! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious! ;)
Well, Im awfully tired now- so I shall leave all you poor readers in peace!
Lots of Love,
Befuddled, and oddly Hungry, Baldy <3 xoxoxoxoxox

Crappy Chemo :/

Well, I am back on all drugs...yay. Huge sarcasm there as the nausea is frickin' awful. No throwing up so far though, touch wood. Its rather annoying, as you feel as though you want to throw up, but can't because of the anti-sickness Im being fed...Oh well. Its not as bad as last time, well- not yet anyway.
I had a good weekend, though. On Saturday my aunts came in from Ireland, and that was nice. They're here for a week- and it's great having them here. We lazed around watching films all day, and Muirne [aunt number 1] kept falling asleep on the sofa while Binne [aunt number 2] entertained us.
On Sunday we went into Bury and met up with my gooorgeous friends Laura and Phoebe and we all went to see Breaking Dawn: Part 1. Which was AWESOME...we then milled about town, and looked at a bit of the Christmas Fayre. That was cool, too. But then I got a bit tired, and we went home.
So, altogether- an awweessome weekend...But then we had to go into stupid Hospital on Monday. It wasnt TOO bad, though. Especially as I had my aunties there and they read to me and we did puzzle books...childish, I know- but they never fail to amuse! ;)
I felt nauseous, but I never actually threw up. Still haven't. Which is good, I guess. But still rather frustrating, especially as I feel that I need to.
Right now, I'm talking to my auntie Muirne about how we both sorta have a secret girl-crush on Sandra Bullock, just cos she's the best in all rom-coms... :D
And Binne is making me cheese...well, I say making but I mean grating... :D

I love this time of year...I know I've mentioned it before but I really do... :D
And I especially love all the Christmas movies! But what I really don't get is that in all these movies, there IS a real Santa...yet the parents never seem to believe in Santa. Which is ridiculous, because surely Santa had been delivering presents to the kids? Which means random presents were just there, and the parents don't seem to question it?? Ridonkulous! ;)
Anyhoo, it was a pretty weird one that we watched the other night...'The night before the night before Christmas' starring Jennifer Beals out of 'Flashdance' which is up there with 'Dirty Dancing' on the list of greatest dance movies EVER. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner..." Ahh, Patrick Swayze... We all Loved you <3
I have also watched 'I Am Number 4' with the gorgeous Alex Pettyfer, and the normally awesome Dianna Agron [Quinn Fabray from 'Glee'] and 'Life as we know it' who actually had the guy from 'Sweet Home Alabama' in it :D... Another favourite was 'Desperately Seeking Susan', and '101 Dalmations'... Disneys are always A-mazing!
Anyhoo, I better go nibble on my grated cheese now, yum nom nom nom... Goodnight everyone! Until next time! Muchos hugs and Kisses!!
Befuddled, and nauseous, Baldy <3 xoxoxo

All I want for Christmas is....FUDGE!! ;)

Today was really fab! I had such a great time... After waking up and getting dressed and eating and all that jazz- Jo came and changed my dressings and flushed my line and took bloods. And we chatted, and it was generally quite fun and I didnt feel queasy at all! :D Then I had to go have a flu jab- which actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... And while we were at the nurses, we bumped into the Doctor who helped in getting me diagnosed. He was the one who spotted the cancerous symptoms, so in other words- I owe him big time. He was lovely, and even gave me a hug! :)
And after that we all went for a pub lunch [excluding Lucy, who was at school today]...and then drove into Bury to go shopping at the Christmas Fayre!
But before we hit the stalls, we took a detour into River Island and my Gran and Grandad bought me THE cutest hat...Its unbelievably fluffy with horns! I look like one of the creatures out of that childrens book 'Where the Wild things are'... Its so awesome!
Then we looked around the stalls a bit, and I found some amazing christmas presents for my girlies ;) I cant believe I have to wait till Christmas to give them!! They're only small, mind. Im not THAT rich ;)
Then we collected my sister, and I bumped into two of my old teachers- who wished me well, which was nice of them.
Then after that, we ordered some of the photos from the Bury Free Press- of the teachers who dyed their hair pink for me. Just as mementos, and one for the teachers too- to say thank you.
Then we shopped around, and it was completely lovely!
It was dark, and very chilly- but we didn't care that our cheeks and noses were red, and we just tucked our hands in our pockets and snuggled under hats and scarves...and as for the dark- well, christmas fairy lights lit up everything like stars, or fireflys- latching on to the buildings and trees and tops of shops! It was beautiful...and the songs of the fair- a mix of Christmas Carols sung by a school choir- with the harsh pop songs played by the people running the rides.
And oh, the smells! Hot dogs and burgers, and hot chocolate mixed with spiced oranges and roasted chestnuts...and further into the stalls you could smell the soaps and goodies, mixed with fudge and the unmistakable smell of pine trees. But the smell I loved the most was the hot, spicy smell of the christmassy mulled wine...I almost melted with happiness when I smelled it!
Me and Lu just skipped around, not caring that we were sniffling like mad, and that our fingers were so close to having frostbite. And we bought a PILE of fudge...I absolutely LOVE fudge!!!! Its so yummy, and we bought BAGS of it... :D Passionfruit fudge, chocolate fudge, madagascan vanilla fudge :D
And we saw reindeer, too! And a very grumpy looking elf who was looking after them...although I guess I would be grumpy if I had to stand in a dark pen with three smelly reindeer in some ridiculous elf costume. Not to mention it didnt even look that warm- considering the harsh temperature.
Then we all went to Pizza Hut for dinner, and I got told the story of how my grandparents met and ate pasta :D
Then we all headed home, ooh- and on the way to the car me and Lu were allowed to buy chocolate fountain- chocolate covered marshmallows...which was really yummy!
Then when we got home, I got all my friends christmas presents ready and talked to my friend Phoebe to confirm Sunday, and then booked the cinema tickets...Now we're all snuggled in the sitting room watching an episode of Midsummer Murders... :D And Im talking to Matt about our weird dreams... ;)
Well, nothing more to tell for tonight, but I'll post later or tomorrow :)
Much love <3
Befuddled but extremely contented Baldy xox

Bald n Boisterous ;)

I've decided that maybe Sunday is a good day to unleash my baldness upon the world. Or at least the public of Bury St Edmunds. I mean, I think I am going to see Breaking Dawn with my mum, sister, aunts and of course a couple of my friends...so why not? Who cares if people stare?! It's Cineworld! Plus, we'll be in the dark for most of the film anyway, won't we?
I need to get used to being bald, and I need to get used to people seeing me bald and staring. I've decided that I'm not going to mope or whine anymore about being "ugly" or "different" because it's stupid. I'm awesome, with or without hair. My friends and family love me whether I have it or not so the rest of the world will just have to suck it! Because I have cancer- and it's not going to go away. And my hair is not going to come back. So Id better just deal with it. I mean, who needs hair anyway?? It's just a load of cells! Sure, it looks cool. But this way, I won't be able to have bad hair days anymore ;) just bad wig days...hehe...:D
Yes. This is the perfect chance to boost my self confidence. I AM awesome is my new mantra.
I am awesome...I am awesome...I am awesome...it gets truer every second hehe... ;)
I don't think I'm quite ready to unleash it on the folks of St benedicts...mainly because I'm worried that they might talk behind my back or laugh or stare ridiculously, or gape. Or maybe point and laugh. Or be mean. I'm sure they wouldnt be mean, or point and laugh for that matter...but still- paranoia seeps in when you're the only bald girl in a school of 600-700 give or take a few...
Especially the boys...they might laugh. Maybe not my friends...but the others...
Apparently I look kind of like ET...according to my dear Father. He told me to phone home at dinner tonight...Love you Dad! ;)
Anyhoo, I'd better get to sleep. As Lucy is pointing out to me in annoyance...she has school tomorrow and I'm keeping her up...whoops!
Love to all, muchos hugs y kisses!!
Befuddled but with a sudden oomph for life Baldy <3 xoxo

Last day :(

Today was my last day at school for a little while...unfortunately. I really hope I get back before Christmas...I found out today that I have to start my next round of chemo (after this one that I start on Monday) on Boxing Day. I'm hoping maybe I can persuade the nurses or my oncology team to wait till the 27th...otherwise I'm just gonna be worrying all Christmas Day...but it's gonna be a pretty sucky New Year...:S trying to be optimistic about Chemotherapy is certainly a challenge!! But I'm sure I'll manage somehow. It's so much easier being a pessimist...*sigh*. Today was pretty uneventful...I would, however, like to say a BIG thank you to my friend Laura- who has got stuck with the annoying task of doing ALL my history work and sticking 30 odd sheets into my book :D love you!!
My Dad came back last night...which is nice! *supersize grin* It's good to have him back- even though he is totally against movies...apart from crappy weird ones like 'Apocalypse Now'. Oh, the shame! Hehe...
Lunchtime was fun today, although I got hit in the chest with a football...it really hurt but I tried not to show it :D and I got a hot chocolate...before realising that I actually don't like hot chocolate and never have. Well, in my defence- it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was nice to see everyone one last time before I have to start chemo again, though.
I REALLY don't want to go into the hospital now...I am seriously dreading it. Ugh...I LIKE having control and feeling good! :( gosh, karma's a witch...:S
I wish I could just have treatment- but feel like this! But unfortunately, the world hates me -.-
You know what, though? I was listening to the radio the other day, and feeling really blue about the whole situation and you know what came on? 'Here comes the sun' by the Beatles. I mean, that HAS to be a sign, right? The Beatles are officially the greatest band ever to have lived. 'Let it Be' and 'Here comes the Sun' have to be two of the most inspirational songs I have ever had the great pleasure to listen to.
I am currently quite into Van Morrison's 'Brown eyed girl', because that's the song my Daddy used to sing to me when I was little..."do you remember when we used to sing...sha la la la la la la la tee da..." man, I love that song...
And Fleetwood Mac...oh, Fleetwood Mac! Pure musical genius! I dont know where I'd be without music!
And Spotify...what a good website :D or whatever it is XD
I have to have a flu jab tomorrow...ehhhh. I hate needles! I don't know anyone who LIKES them...ooh, apart from heroin addicts. But I don't know any of them. Thank goodness! ;)
But, as my friend Becky pointed out, I guess it's better than actually getting the flu. That would be a real pain! And I have to have my dressings changed and my line flushed tomorrow aswell. So, tomorrow is gonna be pretty annoying, in short words. But, on the up side- Mum and Dad are taking us to the Christmas fair in Bury! Yay! It's gonna be so fun, I'm gonna get my friends their Christmas prezzies! Yaaay! I want to find something original...and cool! But of course I'm not gonna post it on here because you guys read this... But be warned! ;) Yay!
Anyhow, I better stop rambling on now... Love to all!
Until next time...still Befuddled but starting to make sense of the world Baldy <3 xoxo

Always look on the bright side :)

Well, today was a relatively normal day. I didnt go to school today- mainly because I woke up this morning and felt absolutely exhausted. Apparently its to be expected- but still, its annoying.
And I have a stupid cold -.- which is also extremely annoying. The other reason was Mum is under the weather and has a virus so that makes 3 ill people in our house :P Oh well...hopefully this means we're getting all our illness' out of the way for Christmas?Always look on the bright side...
So, anyhoo. I got up late, and my head was freeeezing!! I mean, without hair- my head gets so cold...not to mention my ears! :) I have to wear my new furry hat INDOORS...Madness ;)
Me and Lu spent the day lounging on the sofa being weirdies...we watched 'Knight and Day' and laughed at how small Tom Cruise is...because he really is quite tiny...but he is a very good actor :)
And we watched the Grinch...and LOL'd at how weird the characters Jim Carey plays are. Of course, he has that creepy smile that just makes me shiver all over! [with fear...]
And now we're watching 'Mission Impossible 2'- although it's rating is a 15...naughty naughty ;)
Me thinks we have a mini obsession with Tom Cruise...or maybe just action films...as we had started to watch the 'A Team' earlier [with the YUMMY Bradley Cooper, the awesome Liam Neeson and amazing Mr T...] but then we stopped cos Lucy got bored...
Anyhoo...It was a very funny afternoon as Lu was under the impression that Mr Cruise was gay...and didnt find out until I told her after the movie that actually he's married with a kid.
I plan on going back into school tomorrow...at break time of course as I look a bit like Gollum first thing in the morning...the lack of hair thing doesnt help, of course...
Oh, and a special shout out to Chloe Erickson- Tally Ho and all that smashing stuff ;) hehe
And of course my wonderful family and AMAZING friends- Oh, and to my friend Matt- WHO HAS A GIANT SOFT SPOT FOR CATS!! [sorry for outing you... ;)]
Much love <3 until next time! Befuddled Baldy xoxox

Battle of the Bald

Well, today was fun :) I went into school today- for longer this time. Im exhausted now, but it was worth it. But okay, I think I am totally kidding myself when I say Im not ashamed to be bald. I am. I am TOTALLY ashamed. When I take my wig off and I look in the mirror- I feel like crying. Its a mark- a mark of cancer. A sign that I have it- a sign that Im ill. A sign that Im different. Its ugly. IM ugly...
I know I said it didnt bother me, and Im trying not to let such vain things get to me- but its hard. Hard when I have to look in the mirror and all I see are scars and lack of hair. Not to mention the ugly tube coming out of my skin!
And I am DREADING next week...Its getting to the point where Im wondering how the hell I can get out of it...I dont want to go back into that Hospital...I dont want to feel like I did. I want to have control! I have to remind myself that its all helping- but it doesnt seem it. It feels more like its killing me. I cant believe I have to do this for the next six months. And then possible radiotherapy after that...
I dont want to! I dont want any of this! I dont suppose anyone would, though. I just wish that there was some easier way...I want to be normal...I want to be able to go to school like a normal kid and not worry about wearing a wig- or what people will think, or whether people will stare!
Sorry to whine on like this...Im being a tad ridiculous :)
Anyhoo, it was a pretty uneventful day... I had double drama [which I got to choose the games/excercises in! yaay!] and then double spanish [pretty uninteresting...]...
My friends are all angels and I am grateful to you all <3
And to my loyal and loving family: I love you <3
Broken and Befuddled...Baldy xox

School!

I went back into school today for the first time in a couple of weeks. Sure, it was only for a few hours- and I had pretty easy lessons, but it was still a pretty big step for me.
I was a little nervous- just because I have to be careful what I do now. But there was no need for worry as I didn't have to be rushed off to Hospital or anything :) yaaay!
I brought in tubs of Ben and Jerrys ice cream and everyone was eating it- which was slightly silly considering it was such a chilly day...but oh well!
I had two lessons- English and History, both of which I just breezed through- not really doing any work. I know I should have done something- but I was too excited to be back that I mostly just chatted. In fact- I had an extremely interesting conversation with my friend Edd. He thinks that 911 was a conspiracy by part of- if not all- the US Government. Im not too sure...but he has a very sane argument, unlike some conspiracy theorists.
It was odd to be back...nice though. People kept telling me they liked my hair- which I found funny cos its not my hair... :D
I keep saying Im not ashamed or embarrassed to be bald- but I dont know...I want people to see cos its cool but I dont want them to see because it, I dont know, officially makes me different? I havent decided whether im proud to be different like this yet.

Lucy's ill...poor things got a virus...its so odd to have the roles reversed. Shes home for a few days...
Mum made me a 'jumbilaya' for tea tonight in a kind of back to school celebration! I love jumbilaya- its like a spicy rice dish from Louisiana in America [or at least I think it is...] its like gumbo but not... :D anyhoo- its real nice but takes ages to cook. Yaaay, I love my mum :)
Anyway, all in all- things are looking up! Yours happily, Befuddled Baldy xo

'Love Song'

"Head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy for a while.
The breathing gets harder- even I know that."

The opening lines to Sara Bareilles 'Love Song'. Now, I actually really like this song- despite the fact that its ironic title annoys me. Today was interesting, I suppose. Being off chemo is odd, and nice. But Im just counting down the days till I have to go back to the hospital and walk down the squeaky floors and quirkily decorated white washed corridors to the paediatric unit where they'll hook me up to various machines. I guess some part of me must wonder 'why me?' but I mean- why not? Who else would it be if it wasn't me? Would I really wish this on someone else? I dont THINK I would...but the human mind can be more selfish than you think. Would my parents wish it on someone else rather than me? Would my friends? Guilt. A huge part of this illness is guilt. Everyone feels guilty. I feel guilty for being ill, and for putting everyone through this. I know its not my fault- but it doesnt mean I feel any less guilty. Mum and Dad presumably feel guilty- as do most people when they talk to me. I wish I could stop the guilt...its no-ones fault. People like to blame God- but its not His fault either. Well, I dont think it is...I dont know for sure.

Im almost bald now...which is interesting. The worst part of it is that my head gets quite chilly :) And I look a bit odd- especially since some of my hair is pink...I dyed it when I found out that I had cancer.
It makes it easy now though, because I dont have to wash it! And I can just wear a wig if I want to look normal :D

Anyway, Ill post more tomorrow...yours cheerily- Befuddled Baldy:)

Hello

Hiya :) Im really very new to this so I'm just gonna start by telling you about myself.
I'm a 14 year old girl who lives in Suffolk who rides horses and writes and reads in her spare time. Just 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma- a cancer of the lymphnodes. I have been having chemotherapy for 2 weeks and am now on my two week break. I haven't been in school much for the past month, and also havent seen much of my friends- but all that seems trivial compared to whats been happening.
Hearing about someone who has cancer is sad, knowing someone who has it is heartbreaking- but getting it is...enlightening. Not in a good way, not in a bad way. I've heard the phrase 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' tossed about so much over the past few weeks, and cancer...well, I don't think that phrase suits what it does to you.
I don't want pity or anything, just to tell people- to let people know what it's like :) So, over the next six months I would like to share my story. The story of... a Befuddled Baldy.