The Night-mare before Christmas...

Well, this week has been altogether very interesting. On Thursday I had all my wonderful friends around for a christmas dinner party. Mexican food and funny cocktails with cranberry and orange juice made for an awesome night. My sister, Lucy, joined in too- and made us all pee ourselves laughing with her siamese pig impression. I know it sounds odd, but it really is very funny!
And then we moved to the sitting room and played spoons [the card game] which was funny as Phoebe kept screaming "SPOON!" every time she picked up a spoon and Becky and Laura fought over a spoon... Not mean fighting...just physical scrambling over the footstool...and then of course there was Matt. Matt and Laura kept sitting together [had nothing to do with the fact that I made them...] but they looked so ute together..!! Im hoping they'll get together soon as all this cute flirting stuff is starting to get on my nerves and I really think they'd make a great couple! HINT HINT guys... ;)
Then on Friday I was unusually exhausted and weak and pale....and Jo the nurse came to our house to take my bloods and change my dressing. Turns out I had low haemoglobin and they wanted me to go into Hospital for a transfusion. We got to the hospital at half one, and didn't leave until around nine.
So, Mum and Lucy went shopping and Daddy stayed with me and we watched 'Bargain Hunt' which was fun because we took the mick outta the contestants.
And then Mum and Lucy came back with presents, and food. Crisps, teacakes, clementines, grapes, chocolate and fizzy drinks. I didn't feel like much food, especially as I could see sticky dark red blood being pumped in me- so I had a clementine and some grapes but left the rest.
Then when we got home Daddy fried me some potatoes and okay- bear with me here. When I was younger- Dad used to cook me smoked haddock [the bright yellow one] in milk. And it is surprisingly nice!! Sounds gross, but it's really comforting...especially as I used to eat it when I was little. But anyway, Daddy cooked me that too. Then he and Lu went to bed, and Mum and I were on the sofa [cos I have to take meds at midnight so we had to wait up] but it was okay cos we watched 'Sex and the City 2' and I drank hot milk and we both had cheese and crackers [but I had cream cheese instead of real cheese because I believe in the old wives tales that it gives you nightmares if you eat it at night].
Okay, three of my favourite christmas songs have just played... 'Christmas Time'- The Darkness, 'The Power of Love'- Frankie goes to Hollywood, and 'Merry Christmas Everybody'- Slade...!!!
Oh no, East 17 have come on...'Stay' is NOT a christmas song. Its awful. Eugh! Plus, the lead singer has really manky teeth...ew.
Anyway, ITS CHRISTMAS EVE!!! But I'm not as excited as I was...I'm trying to be, but I guess the cancer is taking its toll psychologically now too. I feel sorta numb. Like Im just trying to survive each day, just kind of walking through life- not really enjoying anything. Which is sad, considering its Christmas. Also, I'm kinda weepy. Littlest things set me off...I was crying in hospital yesterday, though- and I got a nose bleed. I feel bad because it bled all over the pillow... Oops!
Anyway, I've got to go get dressed because we're all traipsing down to the church to watch Lucy in the nativity. She's playing some made up character called Sarah, who's meant to be the inn keepers daughter...Well, it should be fun to see Lucy in her costume supplied by the Church. Hehehe... :D
Anyhoo- Much Love to everyone, and I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!!
Lots and lots and lots o' Love,
Befuddled, and trying to get in a Christmassy mood, Baldy <3 xoxoxox

Oh, the sweet taste of Freedom!

I am so sorry I haven't written in so long! It really is appalling that I failed to update but I've been rather busy. So. Here is what has happened since I last wrote.
Okay, so you know I was having trouble with my nose? Well, it got worse and worse and worse until it was so painful that I had to have constant ice otherwise I wailed and screamed in pain. Yay. Anyway, to make things worse- on the Sunday night my knees started to really hurt. I went in to Addenbrookes on Monday 12th for my last dose of OEPA chemo- but I was crying and my blood pressure was up because I was in pain and I was generally tearful and not well. So my lovely oncologists Dr Burke and Ramya looked at my throat and my nose and my knees and they said that I should be admitted.
So, I was then admitted onto the childrens cancer ward where I was swabbed and looked at and then hooked up to IV antibiotics. Joys. So, anyhoo- they had me on two or three different types of IV antibiotics and two types of painkillers, and an anti-fungal thing. Turns out I had a couple of viruses and an ulcerated cold sore in my nose. So, they put me in a barrier room for a night so i couldnt pass it on to the other kids, and also put me on an IV antiviral.
So, I was in hospital only a couple days when things took a turn for the awful. My knees, which hadnt been TOO bad until then, suddenly seemed to be the thing causing me agony. I couldnt move for pain, and even heat treatments wouldnt work. The physiotherapist, Laura, came to see me though, and she gave me excercises and organised for me to have a TENS machine on them [the machine they use for pregnant ladies]- which worked. I still couldnt walk without pain though, unfortunately. In fact, I still cant and Im out of hospital.
Anyhow, I had been in hospital five days when my friends came to see me. First it was Phoebe and Laura- who brought presents and biscuits made by Eleanor- and smiles and hugs and gossip. Then Matt, Jordan and Becky came to see me on the Friday and they also brought gifts and cards and smiles and gossip and hugs! It was so nice to see them as I hadnt had any real teenage contact in weeks, and was having withdrawal symptoms.
Then, everything was going well and I was planning to go home on the Saturday but my temperature spiked and they had to keep me for observation- then it spiked again and they had to put me back on antibiotics. Over the weekend the lovely Reeds visited me, and we had Costa tea and coffee and chatted...which was lovely [thank you Reeds for visiting me and the uber-huge box of Cadburys chocolates :)!]
On Monday they let me out [with a whole trunk load of drugs I have to take daily -.-] and I have started properly looking forward to Christmas. So, though I have to take 2 types of painkillers, and 3 other oral medicines- not to mention 2 different types of nasal cream- Im really glad to be out.
I have planned a mini christmas get together with my friends, and Im REALLY looking forward to Christmas Day with the family.
Today was fun, though. After a rather lousy nights sleep, I woke up quite weepy and depressed [as you do some mornings when you realise you have to spend a christmas with cancer], but Mum and Dad took me to La Hogue Farm Shop and we looked at the christmas barn and they had an evil sheep that kept glaring at me, then we shopped at the food store and got cheese! And then we at soup and drank tea at the cafe...yum!
After all this exciting stuff we went to Waitrose and bought all the food for my Christmas get together [Mexican nom nom...] and generally did a big shop.
So, that was my day... Exciting stuff, eh? ;)
Anyway, Im pretty knackered so Im going to go- but I shall keep you posted!!
Much Love!
Befuddled and taking an annoying amount of medication Baldy <3 xoxoxoxox

Poker face...more like red hot poker nose :/

09/12/2011
Hey Everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote...these weeks have NOT been the best weeks, aside from the fact that my Daddy's back! Yaaaay!
So, Late Night Shopping Night was AWFUL...nothing was open longer than eight, and the people who went were just teens, and it- well, just take my word for it; it sucked. Although, Mum did buy me some rather fetching red and green reindeer antlers with little bells on them...
But anyway, then the next day [Wednesday] was a bit bad for nausea, but I was getting okay by evening so I went to Heathrow with Mum...armed with skips, a calipo ice lolly, cheestrings, strawberry laces and a chocolate mousse. Just to nibble on in the car...hey, its a long journey. Well, it turned out that me plus any kind of physical excertion plus a public area did not mix too well...after we had popped into WHSmith [to get more skips]- I started to feel very nauseous which led to me spending 5 minutes in the Heathrow toilets panicking about whether I was going to throw up or not. Which I didnt, as I took some ondansetron which made it all [almost] better.
I really didn't do anything on Thursday...didn't have the energy. I mostly just whined about nausea and back pain and foot pain and nose pain. Oh, my nose!! I feel like someone has smashed my face in. My eyes are red, and small and dry and irritated- my lips are swollen and chapped, my face is puffy. And my nose feels like someone has shoved red hot pokers up it, while simultanously ripping all the skin off the inside of it. Which has made me a little tearful the past couple days, not just because of the EXTRAORDINARY pain but also cos my nose and eyes are connected and my eyes are so irritated that they keep tearing up. Nice... Well, I shall continue this post tomorrow as I am starving and my nose is starting to tighten up again so I might cry...yay.

10/12/2011
Okay. NOW my nose is wrecked. After not much sleep, and constant getting up to put ice on the nose- I am grumpy and exhausted. Yay. So, I dont have the patience to write, nor the energy. Sorry :/
Grumpy, Befuddled and totally exhausted Baldy xoxoxoxox

The Late Night Shopping Night! :)

You know its around Christmas when they start playing Aled Jones on all the music channels... :D! I wonder what his friends thought of his abnormally high voice...
Well, not much happened today. Woke up with an awful sore throat and nose from my cold...and then had to take all my meds- which gave me acid reflux. Or general pain in the chest... Which was pretty bothersome for a couple hours- but after a bowl of hot soup, onion rings, potato smileys and frozen yoghurt I was okay. My joints are starting to ache again, and the nausea is coming and going- but I have to be thankful that its not too bad, yet. Touch wood it wont get any worse!
And we spent most of the day watching Christmassy movies/programmes...and now Lu and I are watching Christmas music videos [Slade is on at the moment..."ITS CHRISTMAS!!"] while munching malteasers...and she gives me a mini- foot massage...Oh, God Bless younger siblings!
But here's the really exciting thing- we're going late night shopping later! Oh yes, the time has come once again for the annual Newmarket Late Night Shopping Night! It's gonna be awesome!
There will be so much Christmas cheer, and I can look out for presents and stuff...and generally get out of the house...I am so going to have to wear warm stuff though, as its FREEZING inside, never mind outside!!
You all have permission to be jealous ;) Still got parents gifts to buy...and Lucy's...but I think I know what I'm getting her. Because she told me what she wanted...without any hesitation, might I add. I have a fairly good idea on what kind of things to get Mum...but still unsure on what Dad's getting her, so have to wait so we can all consult. I know what I'm getting one of my cousins... not sure about the other ones!! Argh...so many people! Its great though, the panic and the rush and the wrapping and the laughing and the jokes and the actual opening on the Day... *Sigh* I love Christmas...
Anyhoo, I have to go eat [yes, Im still hungry] and generally get ready for Late Night Shopping- so toodleoo!! I shall tell you all about it later!!
Much Love!! Befuddled and excited Baldy <3 xoxoxox

Daddy Claus is coming [back] to town... ;)

Well, more has happened today than most days... :) I woke up, and ate and had a nice relaxing bath where I shampooed [yes, you read it right] my hair, which has made it all fluffy and soft. Yaay!
And then we had to head to the Hospital, so I could have my Vincristine...which didn't take TOO long, thank goodness! But they had to take a full blood count and change my dressings and check the line site [where my hickman line goes in/comes out]...and then we got talking about the next course of chemo. They didn't know too much about how it was going to go though, as I haven't even been for my PET scan yet...
Then we went and bought tickets for 'Arthur Christmas', but had a bit of time left...so went to 'Giraffe' for an early tea :) That was nice, but I chose a spicy rice dish which was a big mistake... Also, it was sort of awkward because I had to take my drugs in the middle of the restaurant and with cranberry juice, too. Let me tell you, Cranberry juice does NOT mask flavour well. At all. Ew!
Anyhoo, then we ordered dessert...ice cream for me [the vanilla was to DIE FOR.] and an expresso for Mum...well, to each his own- I guess.
And then we went, extremely bloated and a little queasy from eating so much, to see 'Arthur Christmas'- which was interesting...Funny, and very christmassy, but a little pointless. It was nice not to have to concentrate on a heavy plot line though...
On driving home, Mum and I talked about Christmas stuff...which was AWESOME, especially as we saw looaads of Christmas lights and trees on the way back to Newmarket. It was Lush!
At home, I realised that my stomach had bloated so much with chemo that I now look like an actual pregnant lady...which is an interesting development. Well, not so much interesting as disturbing, but still... And my face is still stupidly chubby... damn steroids. They dont even frickin taste nice. Deceptive, lying liquids!! Well, they just wait...I'll get them! And the precious ondansetron too!! ;)
Lonely, I am so lonely... I am, actually. I mean, I have my small family- and I shall have my Daddy back soon! But, no friends at the moment. Well, I HAVE friends...just havent seen them :( Love them to bits but wish they'd see me more often [Hint ;) x].
It is my friend Lauras birthday next week. I am going to make it spettal ;) so, watch out Laura!! I love other peoples birthdays...and Christmas. I love going shopping for the presents...and watching their face as they open it!! Nice!! :D
I should probably stop prattling on now, as I still have a whole fridge full of food to devour and probably still have some weight to put on before it gets physically impossible to tell whether I'm a human or a boobah [cbbc channel...like rounder and slightly more delusional teletubbies]... And you's are all probably wanting to get back to your lives and outta mine ;) But much love to all of you, and keep reading, maybe if you're lucky something interesting might happen ;)
Muchos hugs y kisses!!  Befuddled and bloated Baldy <3 xoxoxoxox

P.S- Totally psyched for Daddy coming home on Wednesday for Christmas and New Year!! Love you, Dad!! <3 xoxoxox

General Boredom...

Okay, now I'm a little pissed. I am SO sick of feeling tired- and just five minutes ago, my back gave out. LIKE AN OLD LADY. I was standing up one minute, then I was down on the floor, winded, the next. Great. And now, Im stuck on the sofa, feeling completely exhausted physically but wide awake and alert mentally. Which is just awful, seeing as I'm watching the incredibly angst-ridden 'New Moon', and Bella currently is going on and on about how much her life sucks because her Vampire boyfriend left her to protect her. How about living with cancer, Bella? Think how hard that is!!
Anyhoo, pity party over...well, mostly. I might moan a bit longer...
I am soo annoyed, today hasn't been the best. I feel nauseous, my back is killing me and my nose keeps bleeding because I have to blow it so much with this flipping cold!! Argh!! Plus, I'm so gosh-darn hungry all the time- and now I dont even know what for! I have no cravings. And what I DO crave, I'm not even allowed!
And I haven't even done any PROPER christmas shopping yet, apart from my friends' presents. I still need to get Mums, Dads, Lucys, my cousins... Eek! I just want to feel well. Just for a few days, back to my old self. So I can do stuff, like shop and socialise and not lie around like a comatose teen all day!

Okay, NOW the pity party's over. :D So, today- apart from what I've already mentioned...Nothing has happened. Just waking up, eating, taking my drugs, watching endless reruns of 'Friends', and some kiddy-ish movies...General Boredom.
Lucy is busy trying to earn money from Mum so she can buy Christmas Presents, and has now started to pester me for money...I suppose I shall give it to her. She's already offered to do a whole bunch of things including foot massages...so I guess it's worth it :D.
I have hospital again tomorrow...yay. But at least its only West Suffolk, and only by syringe, rather than by drip... And maybe we can pop into Bury after and do some shopping...two birds with one stone, and all that!
Anyhoo, I'll probably write more later- but I have nothing else to report so Goodbye for now, Folks!
Much Love,
Befuddled and generally BORED Baldy <3 xoxoxoxox

Be still, my tingling feet! ;)

Well, my feet are going MENTAL... They're so tingly and weird! But, on the upside- CHRISTMAS IS NEARLY HERE!! Whoop whoop! Everyone is buying Christmas presents now, and Christmas songs are playing on the radio...Christmas movies are even starting to come on TV!! And I dont mean on the Christmas Movie channels either. And I know this Christmas is going to be different...and maybe slightly harder than most. But its going to be special, because I'm going to be with people I love, at a time I love.
Someone was talking to me, and they mentioned how cancer ruins lives. And yeah, sure- it does. And Im not saying that I want cancer. Who does? But I've been given a second chance at Life, and I'd be stupid not to take it and make something of it. Sure, it's hard right now and not particularly pleasant. And yeah, the next six months aren't going to be fun- but I'm lucky. Really, I mean- compared to all the others.
Cancer hasn't ruined my life, it's given me a new one. And yeah, I have to put my whole life on hold for the next few months- but given that its that or dying, I'd say it's a pretty fair deal. :)

Okay, enough with the heavy moral stuff, eh? ;) Im back on Septrin- as it's the weekend. EW. I really hate that stuff. For those of you who havent had the pleasure of me moaning about it before and have no idea what it is- it is an antibiotic medicine to keep my immune up that I have to take twice a day on weekends. Its white, gloopy and tastes like liquorice...but not even in a nice way. Plus, you cant get rid of the taste because it sticks to your throat!! Who came up with that?!
And of course I'm on the yucky lurid pink steroids three times a day, and the anti-sickness that smells like chemically-altered strawberries but definitely does NOT taste like strawberries! And then theres the gritty anti-reflux meds...I only have to take that once a day, though. Thank Goodness!!
And the AWESOME news is that Im not on ANY of these on Christmas, or even on Christmas Eve! YAY!!
But I DO have to have an echocardiogram and a PET scan on the 22nd...which is sorta sucky. An echocardiogram is basically like an ultrasound [you know, the thing for pregnant ladies] for my heart. They even use the gross cold gel...ew!! It got on my clothes last time and I was like EW, EW, EW!! And a PET scan is like a CT scan, except they use some other weird liquid...its a bit annoying though- because it means getting a cannula in my hand or elbow or somewhere...I really do hate needles. But its only one, I guess. And then after that nightmare is over, its only 3 days till Christmas! YAY!!
Im sooo excited about waking up on Christmas morning and jumping on Mum and Dads bed with our stockings!! PSYCHED!!
Wow, I need to calm down...its not for another 22 days yet...but still. Whoop!
Anyhoo, I need to go now- so Much Love to everyone who hasn't gotten bored of this site yet!!
Befuddled and totally psyched for Christmas Baldy <3 xoxoxoxox

Only 22 Days 'till Xmas!! :)

Well, not much to report today- either. I had a luuverly hot bath this morning, and actually conditioned my hair. Well, whats left of it anyway. Now it's all fluffy... :D
And then straight into Hospital, as usual...Today wasn't too bad- not much nausea, not much anything, actually. I painted a plate red. Yes, I put all my creative genius into painting a plastic plate red. Whoop! Oh, and some stain glass sun catcher things...I did paint a very cute frog one of them...It will go in a window somewhere...I hope.
Then, we went to Tesco- where they had NO santa hats, much to my disappointment...I really wanted to get into the Christmas spirit...But they DID have giant christmas packs of malteasers and yummy foreign food...:D I'm eating like a horse at the moment. I literally have about 3-4 dinners a night, and snack throughout the whole rest of the day. It feels good to eat...well, most of the time...although- I AM back to my normal weight now so I'd better cut back a little...
Then, we came home and I had a party to go to! My wonderful friend Becky is hosting a Christmassy Party even as I type...unfortunately I am EXHAUSTED and getting to be neutrapenic so could only go for an hour- but it was nice to see everyone, and I giggled and laughed a lot. Especially at Becky's kittens aversion to Matt...it was probably because he kept feeling up their 'cute' ears... :D
Once back at home, I ate two more dinners- and settled down to watch 'Over her Dead Body'...which was entertaining...but I am absolutely shattered, not in a sleepy way though- just in a whole body is tired but it won't let me sleep kind of way. Which is annoying. Also, I am SUPER- psyhed about Christmas...I'm sooo excited!! I cant wait to put my christmas stocking on the end of my bed, and then putting out the port/sherry and the mince pies, and the carrots for Rudolph! ONLY 23 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!! Well, it's half past midnight, so I guess its actually 22 days till Christmas!! :)
So, I'd better go now as I have 'Miss Congeniality 2' to watch and some nibbles to...well, nibble!
So, goodnight y'all!! And a special shout out to my Dad, who is coming back to Newmarket next week to visit!! Whoop whoop!! Muchos Hugs y kisses!!
Befuddled and TIRED Baldy <3 xoxoxoxox

The awkward Tesco stare ;)

So, not much happened today either... I went into Hospital, as usual...Except today my Gran came with us...The nausea is getting easier to handle, and I spent the whole time in Hospital either eating or painting christmas decorations or miniature plastic faeries. Which was actually surprisingly fun, especially when both my Mum and my Gran joined in... :D
Then we came home, and unfortunately to a slightly emptier house as my aunties had to leave today- but my Gran and Grandad are staying...so thats some good news amongst the bad.
After we came home, I was pretty tired- and my face is ever so slightly bloated...just from steroids... so I lounged about watching 'Merlin' and eating...
But then, after dinner, I really felt like icing/decorating some cupcakes so we went to Tesco and bought all the stuff- including 10 bags of mini haribo, two packets of 'Snow Bites', 24 cupcakes, 5 tubes of writing icing and a giant tube of pink piping icing... And headed home to ice my delicious cupcakes and watch 'Glee'. That was awesome! The funniest thing, though, was the look a girl about two years older than me gave me....I was harmlessly looking at cupcakes...plain or chocolate? Undeniably a huge decision- and in the end I went for both. But, anyhoo- she snorted at my hat. True, it is EXTREMELY fluffy, and does have horns...and does make me look like a creature from that childrens book 'Where the Wild things are'...but it is gorgeously warm and feels good on my bald head... So, just because I was feeling slightly annoyed that a perfect stranger would snort at another perfect strangers hat, I whipped it off. And looked her right in the eye. I shall call that moment 'The Awkward Tesco Stare' and it SHALL go down in History, because the look she gave me after that was PURE sorry... :D Oh, the fun I shall have with this newfound talent...And with my puffy face, watery eyes and rudolph nose [yes, I am not very attractive at the moment- but I DO have a cold...and cancer, so gimme a break ;)...], I really shocked her. Well, I guess that will teach her to snort at strangers hats in future...
Anyhoo, I have to have some soup now, as I am sneezing and wheezing and need some hot thing to keep me going...
Love to all- Befuddled but very smug Baldy <3 xoxoxo

PS- For those of you who are friends with me on the book of face, there are pictures of my 'artistically decorated' and 'unusual, but interesting' cupcakes on there ;) xo

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!! ;)

Well, nothing much has happened today. We got up, and ate breakfast...Then headed back to the Hospital. Today was much better nausea-wise. Hardly any, well- not much anyway.
And in Hospital we played word games, and funny drawing games, and lego and of course, Hangman... That helped a lot. Of course, it DID help that my aunties were there to distract me...but they have to leave tomorrow :( I hope they come again soon, as it was awesome having them here...Much Love to Muirne and Binne! <3
After that, we stopped off at the Concourse in Addenbrookes to buy some sweets- and someone cut ahead of us in line at the till. Binne and I muttered loudly about "How could anyone skip in front of a cancer patient?" and "Was I going to be okay?"- and I presume he felt guilty, especially with all the shifty sideward glances he was shooting us. So very funny... :D
Then we just went home, and I got visited!! The wonderful Miss' Phoebe and Laura came to see me this afternoon, which was luverly! We chatted about parties, and people and revision and Love Lives and the usual Teenage stuff- which was nice...it made me feel relatively normal.
And then I just lounged about when they left, and talked to my wonderful Daddy... :) <3
And wrote my Santa List! Oh, this years isn't as demanding as last years...but still... :D
My nose is terribly sore, though. And my feet are tingling awfully...eugh. Bloomin' Chemo!!
My Christmas List:
 ·       Florence and the Machine- Ceremonials [CD]
 ·       Horrible Bosses [DVD]
·       Barry M Dazzle Dust in both ‘Fawn’ and ‘Midnight’
·       A Barry M Lip gloss wand in ‘Cherry Glitter’
·       A new mascara
·       MAC eyeliner, but if that’s not possible could I please have a Rimmel one?

We're now all watching 'Mary Poppins', and its lovely to watch an old Disney, with all the lovely songs and cheery dispositions... Chim chimmeny chim chim cheroo! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious! ;)
Well, Im awfully tired now- so I shall leave all you poor readers in peace!
Lots of Love,
Befuddled, and oddly Hungry, Baldy <3 xoxoxoxoxox

Crappy Chemo :/

Well, I am back on all drugs...yay. Huge sarcasm there as the nausea is frickin' awful. No throwing up so far though, touch wood. Its rather annoying, as you feel as though you want to throw up, but can't because of the anti-sickness Im being fed...Oh well. Its not as bad as last time, well- not yet anyway.
I had a good weekend, though. On Saturday my aunts came in from Ireland, and that was nice. They're here for a week- and it's great having them here. We lazed around watching films all day, and Muirne [aunt number 1] kept falling asleep on the sofa while Binne [aunt number 2] entertained us.
On Sunday we went into Bury and met up with my gooorgeous friends Laura and Phoebe and we all went to see Breaking Dawn: Part 1. Which was AWESOME...we then milled about town, and looked at a bit of the Christmas Fayre. That was cool, too. But then I got a bit tired, and we went home.
So, altogether- an awweessome weekend...But then we had to go into stupid Hospital on Monday. It wasnt TOO bad, though. Especially as I had my aunties there and they read to me and we did puzzle books...childish, I know- but they never fail to amuse! ;)
I felt nauseous, but I never actually threw up. Still haven't. Which is good, I guess. But still rather frustrating, especially as I feel that I need to.
Right now, I'm talking to my auntie Muirne about how we both sorta have a secret girl-crush on Sandra Bullock, just cos she's the best in all rom-coms... :D
And Binne is making me cheese...well, I say making but I mean grating... :D

I love this time of year...I know I've mentioned it before but I really do... :D
And I especially love all the Christmas movies! But what I really don't get is that in all these movies, there IS a real Santa...yet the parents never seem to believe in Santa. Which is ridiculous, because surely Santa had been delivering presents to the kids? Which means random presents were just there, and the parents don't seem to question it?? Ridonkulous! ;)
Anyhoo, it was a pretty weird one that we watched the other night...'The night before the night before Christmas' starring Jennifer Beals out of 'Flashdance' which is up there with 'Dirty Dancing' on the list of greatest dance movies EVER. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner..." Ahh, Patrick Swayze... We all Loved you <3
I have also watched 'I Am Number 4' with the gorgeous Alex Pettyfer, and the normally awesome Dianna Agron [Quinn Fabray from 'Glee'] and 'Life as we know it' who actually had the guy from 'Sweet Home Alabama' in it :D... Another favourite was 'Desperately Seeking Susan', and '101 Dalmations'... Disneys are always A-mazing!
Anyhoo, I better go nibble on my grated cheese now, yum nom nom nom... Goodnight everyone! Until next time! Muchos hugs and Kisses!!
Befuddled, and nauseous, Baldy <3 xoxoxo

All I want for Christmas is....FUDGE!! ;)

Today was really fab! I had such a great time... After waking up and getting dressed and eating and all that jazz- Jo came and changed my dressings and flushed my line and took bloods. And we chatted, and it was generally quite fun and I didnt feel queasy at all! :D Then I had to go have a flu jab- which actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... And while we were at the nurses, we bumped into the Doctor who helped in getting me diagnosed. He was the one who spotted the cancerous symptoms, so in other words- I owe him big time. He was lovely, and even gave me a hug! :)
And after that we all went for a pub lunch [excluding Lucy, who was at school today]...and then drove into Bury to go shopping at the Christmas Fayre!
But before we hit the stalls, we took a detour into River Island and my Gran and Grandad bought me THE cutest hat...Its unbelievably fluffy with horns! I look like one of the creatures out of that childrens book 'Where the Wild things are'... Its so awesome!
Then we looked around the stalls a bit, and I found some amazing christmas presents for my girlies ;) I cant believe I have to wait till Christmas to give them!! They're only small, mind. Im not THAT rich ;)
Then we collected my sister, and I bumped into two of my old teachers- who wished me well, which was nice of them.
Then after that, we ordered some of the photos from the Bury Free Press- of the teachers who dyed their hair pink for me. Just as mementos, and one for the teachers too- to say thank you.
Then we shopped around, and it was completely lovely!
It was dark, and very chilly- but we didn't care that our cheeks and noses were red, and we just tucked our hands in our pockets and snuggled under hats and scarves...and as for the dark- well, christmas fairy lights lit up everything like stars, or fireflys- latching on to the buildings and trees and tops of shops! It was beautiful...and the songs of the fair- a mix of Christmas Carols sung by a school choir- with the harsh pop songs played by the people running the rides.
And oh, the smells! Hot dogs and burgers, and hot chocolate mixed with spiced oranges and roasted chestnuts...and further into the stalls you could smell the soaps and goodies, mixed with fudge and the unmistakable smell of pine trees. But the smell I loved the most was the hot, spicy smell of the christmassy mulled wine...I almost melted with happiness when I smelled it!
Me and Lu just skipped around, not caring that we were sniffling like mad, and that our fingers were so close to having frostbite. And we bought a PILE of fudge...I absolutely LOVE fudge!!!! Its so yummy, and we bought BAGS of it... :D Passionfruit fudge, chocolate fudge, madagascan vanilla fudge :D
And we saw reindeer, too! And a very grumpy looking elf who was looking after them...although I guess I would be grumpy if I had to stand in a dark pen with three smelly reindeer in some ridiculous elf costume. Not to mention it didnt even look that warm- considering the harsh temperature.
Then we all went to Pizza Hut for dinner, and I got told the story of how my grandparents met and ate pasta :D
Then we all headed home, ooh- and on the way to the car me and Lu were allowed to buy chocolate fountain- chocolate covered marshmallows...which was really yummy!
Then when we got home, I got all my friends christmas presents ready and talked to my friend Phoebe to confirm Sunday, and then booked the cinema tickets...Now we're all snuggled in the sitting room watching an episode of Midsummer Murders... :D And Im talking to Matt about our weird dreams... ;)
Well, nothing more to tell for tonight, but I'll post later or tomorrow :)
Much love <3
Befuddled but extremely contented Baldy xox

Bald n Boisterous ;)

I've decided that maybe Sunday is a good day to unleash my baldness upon the world. Or at least the public of Bury St Edmunds. I mean, I think I am going to see Breaking Dawn with my mum, sister, aunts and of course a couple of my friends...so why not? Who cares if people stare?! It's Cineworld! Plus, we'll be in the dark for most of the film anyway, won't we?
I need to get used to being bald, and I need to get used to people seeing me bald and staring. I've decided that I'm not going to mope or whine anymore about being "ugly" or "different" because it's stupid. I'm awesome, with or without hair. My friends and family love me whether I have it or not so the rest of the world will just have to suck it! Because I have cancer- and it's not going to go away. And my hair is not going to come back. So Id better just deal with it. I mean, who needs hair anyway?? It's just a load of cells! Sure, it looks cool. But this way, I won't be able to have bad hair days anymore ;) just bad wig days...hehe...:D
Yes. This is the perfect chance to boost my self confidence. I AM awesome is my new mantra.
I am awesome...I am awesome...I am awesome...it gets truer every second hehe... ;)
I don't think I'm quite ready to unleash it on the folks of St benedicts...mainly because I'm worried that they might talk behind my back or laugh or stare ridiculously, or gape. Or maybe point and laugh. Or be mean. I'm sure they wouldnt be mean, or point and laugh for that matter...but still- paranoia seeps in when you're the only bald girl in a school of 600-700 give or take a few...
Especially the boys...they might laugh. Maybe not my friends...but the others...
Apparently I look kind of like ET...according to my dear Father. He told me to phone home at dinner tonight...Love you Dad! ;)
Anyhoo, I'd better get to sleep. As Lucy is pointing out to me in annoyance...she has school tomorrow and I'm keeping her up...whoops!
Love to all, muchos hugs y kisses!!
Befuddled but with a sudden oomph for life Baldy <3 xoxo

Last day :(

Today was my last day at school for a little while...unfortunately. I really hope I get back before Christmas...I found out today that I have to start my next round of chemo (after this one that I start on Monday) on Boxing Day. I'm hoping maybe I can persuade the nurses or my oncology team to wait till the 27th...otherwise I'm just gonna be worrying all Christmas Day...but it's gonna be a pretty sucky New Year...:S trying to be optimistic about Chemotherapy is certainly a challenge!! But I'm sure I'll manage somehow. It's so much easier being a pessimist...*sigh*. Today was pretty uneventful...I would, however, like to say a BIG thank you to my friend Laura- who has got stuck with the annoying task of doing ALL my history work and sticking 30 odd sheets into my book :D love you!!
My Dad came back last night...which is nice! *supersize grin* It's good to have him back- even though he is totally against movies...apart from crappy weird ones like 'Apocalypse Now'. Oh, the shame! Hehe...
Lunchtime was fun today, although I got hit in the chest with a football...it really hurt but I tried not to show it :D and I got a hot chocolate...before realising that I actually don't like hot chocolate and never have. Well, in my defence- it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was nice to see everyone one last time before I have to start chemo again, though.
I REALLY don't want to go into the hospital now...I am seriously dreading it. Ugh...I LIKE having control and feeling good! :( gosh, karma's a witch...:S
I wish I could just have treatment- but feel like this! But unfortunately, the world hates me -.-
You know what, though? I was listening to the radio the other day, and feeling really blue about the whole situation and you know what came on? 'Here comes the sun' by the Beatles. I mean, that HAS to be a sign, right? The Beatles are officially the greatest band ever to have lived. 'Let it Be' and 'Here comes the Sun' have to be two of the most inspirational songs I have ever had the great pleasure to listen to.
I am currently quite into Van Morrison's 'Brown eyed girl', because that's the song my Daddy used to sing to me when I was little..."do you remember when we used to sing...sha la la la la la la la tee da..." man, I love that song...
And Fleetwood Mac...oh, Fleetwood Mac! Pure musical genius! I dont know where I'd be without music!
And Spotify...what a good website :D or whatever it is XD
I have to have a flu jab tomorrow...ehhhh. I hate needles! I don't know anyone who LIKES them...ooh, apart from heroin addicts. But I don't know any of them. Thank goodness! ;)
But, as my friend Becky pointed out, I guess it's better than actually getting the flu. That would be a real pain! And I have to have my dressings changed and my line flushed tomorrow aswell. So, tomorrow is gonna be pretty annoying, in short words. But, on the up side- Mum and Dad are taking us to the Christmas fair in Bury! Yay! It's gonna be so fun, I'm gonna get my friends their Christmas prezzies! Yaaay! I want to find something original...and cool! But of course I'm not gonna post it on here because you guys read this... But be warned! ;) Yay!
Anyhow, I better stop rambling on now... Love to all!
Until next time...still Befuddled but starting to make sense of the world Baldy <3 xoxo

Always look on the bright side :)

Well, today was a relatively normal day. I didnt go to school today- mainly because I woke up this morning and felt absolutely exhausted. Apparently its to be expected- but still, its annoying.
And I have a stupid cold -.- which is also extremely annoying. The other reason was Mum is under the weather and has a virus so that makes 3 ill people in our house :P Oh well...hopefully this means we're getting all our illness' out of the way for Christmas?Always look on the bright side...
So, anyhoo. I got up late, and my head was freeeezing!! I mean, without hair- my head gets so cold...not to mention my ears! :) I have to wear my new furry hat INDOORS...Madness ;)
Me and Lu spent the day lounging on the sofa being weirdies...we watched 'Knight and Day' and laughed at how small Tom Cruise is...because he really is quite tiny...but he is a very good actor :)
And we watched the Grinch...and LOL'd at how weird the characters Jim Carey plays are. Of course, he has that creepy smile that just makes me shiver all over! [with fear...]
And now we're watching 'Mission Impossible 2'- although it's rating is a 15...naughty naughty ;)
Me thinks we have a mini obsession with Tom Cruise...or maybe just action films...as we had started to watch the 'A Team' earlier [with the YUMMY Bradley Cooper, the awesome Liam Neeson and amazing Mr T...] but then we stopped cos Lucy got bored...
Anyhoo...It was a very funny afternoon as Lu was under the impression that Mr Cruise was gay...and didnt find out until I told her after the movie that actually he's married with a kid.
I plan on going back into school tomorrow...at break time of course as I look a bit like Gollum first thing in the morning...the lack of hair thing doesnt help, of course...
Oh, and a special shout out to Chloe Erickson- Tally Ho and all that smashing stuff ;) hehe
And of course my wonderful family and AMAZING friends- Oh, and to my friend Matt- WHO HAS A GIANT SOFT SPOT FOR CATS!! [sorry for outing you... ;)]
Much love <3 until next time! Befuddled Baldy xoxox

Battle of the Bald

Well, today was fun :) I went into school today- for longer this time. Im exhausted now, but it was worth it. But okay, I think I am totally kidding myself when I say Im not ashamed to be bald. I am. I am TOTALLY ashamed. When I take my wig off and I look in the mirror- I feel like crying. Its a mark- a mark of cancer. A sign that I have it- a sign that Im ill. A sign that Im different. Its ugly. IM ugly...
I know I said it didnt bother me, and Im trying not to let such vain things get to me- but its hard. Hard when I have to look in the mirror and all I see are scars and lack of hair. Not to mention the ugly tube coming out of my skin!
And I am DREADING next week...Its getting to the point where Im wondering how the hell I can get out of it...I dont want to go back into that Hospital...I dont want to feel like I did. I want to have control! I have to remind myself that its all helping- but it doesnt seem it. It feels more like its killing me. I cant believe I have to do this for the next six months. And then possible radiotherapy after that...
I dont want to! I dont want any of this! I dont suppose anyone would, though. I just wish that there was some easier way...I want to be normal...I want to be able to go to school like a normal kid and not worry about wearing a wig- or what people will think, or whether people will stare!
Sorry to whine on like this...Im being a tad ridiculous :)
Anyhoo, it was a pretty uneventful day... I had double drama [which I got to choose the games/excercises in! yaay!] and then double spanish [pretty uninteresting...]...
My friends are all angels and I am grateful to you all <3
And to my loyal and loving family: I love you <3
Broken and Befuddled...Baldy xox

School!

I went back into school today for the first time in a couple of weeks. Sure, it was only for a few hours- and I had pretty easy lessons, but it was still a pretty big step for me.
I was a little nervous- just because I have to be careful what I do now. But there was no need for worry as I didn't have to be rushed off to Hospital or anything :) yaaay!
I brought in tubs of Ben and Jerrys ice cream and everyone was eating it- which was slightly silly considering it was such a chilly day...but oh well!
I had two lessons- English and History, both of which I just breezed through- not really doing any work. I know I should have done something- but I was too excited to be back that I mostly just chatted. In fact- I had an extremely interesting conversation with my friend Edd. He thinks that 911 was a conspiracy by part of- if not all- the US Government. Im not too sure...but he has a very sane argument, unlike some conspiracy theorists.
It was odd to be back...nice though. People kept telling me they liked my hair- which I found funny cos its not my hair... :D
I keep saying Im not ashamed or embarrassed to be bald- but I dont know...I want people to see cos its cool but I dont want them to see because it, I dont know, officially makes me different? I havent decided whether im proud to be different like this yet.

Lucy's ill...poor things got a virus...its so odd to have the roles reversed. Shes home for a few days...
Mum made me a 'jumbilaya' for tea tonight in a kind of back to school celebration! I love jumbilaya- its like a spicy rice dish from Louisiana in America [or at least I think it is...] its like gumbo but not... :D anyhoo- its real nice but takes ages to cook. Yaaay, I love my mum :)
Anyway, all in all- things are looking up! Yours happily, Befuddled Baldy xo

'Love Song'

"Head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy for a while.
The breathing gets harder- even I know that."

The opening lines to Sara Bareilles 'Love Song'. Now, I actually really like this song- despite the fact that its ironic title annoys me. Today was interesting, I suppose. Being off chemo is odd, and nice. But Im just counting down the days till I have to go back to the hospital and walk down the squeaky floors and quirkily decorated white washed corridors to the paediatric unit where they'll hook me up to various machines. I guess some part of me must wonder 'why me?' but I mean- why not? Who else would it be if it wasn't me? Would I really wish this on someone else? I dont THINK I would...but the human mind can be more selfish than you think. Would my parents wish it on someone else rather than me? Would my friends? Guilt. A huge part of this illness is guilt. Everyone feels guilty. I feel guilty for being ill, and for putting everyone through this. I know its not my fault- but it doesnt mean I feel any less guilty. Mum and Dad presumably feel guilty- as do most people when they talk to me. I wish I could stop the guilt...its no-ones fault. People like to blame God- but its not His fault either. Well, I dont think it is...I dont know for sure.

Im almost bald now...which is interesting. The worst part of it is that my head gets quite chilly :) And I look a bit odd- especially since some of my hair is pink...I dyed it when I found out that I had cancer.
It makes it easy now though, because I dont have to wash it! And I can just wear a wig if I want to look normal :D

Anyway, Ill post more tomorrow...yours cheerily- Befuddled Baldy:)

Hello

Hiya :) Im really very new to this so I'm just gonna start by telling you about myself.
I'm a 14 year old girl who lives in Suffolk who rides horses and writes and reads in her spare time. Just 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma- a cancer of the lymphnodes. I have been having chemotherapy for 2 weeks and am now on my two week break. I haven't been in school much for the past month, and also havent seen much of my friends- but all that seems trivial compared to whats been happening.
Hearing about someone who has cancer is sad, knowing someone who has it is heartbreaking- but getting it is...enlightening. Not in a good way, not in a bad way. I've heard the phrase 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' tossed about so much over the past few weeks, and cancer...well, I don't think that phrase suits what it does to you.
I don't want pity or anything, just to tell people- to let people know what it's like :) So, over the next six months I would like to share my story. The story of... a Befuddled Baldy.