Hurting...

So many people dying, so much death... I don't see how so much pain and suffering yet so much happiness and love can all fit into just one planet. Then again, I guess you can't really have one without  the other, can you?

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 

So what if I'm a different person? As so many people take such joy in pointing out to me...

Yes, I'm bitter, cynical, less tolerant and slightly more sharp tongued than I used to be...but you try going through what I went through and come out of it the exact same person you were before!

Explain to me, why? That's all I can think about...if there is someone watching over me...why would he let this happen? Why would he let me lose almost everything? Why would he do this to anyone? Not just me...

I was having an, um, argument with a friend...and that friend didn't understand how you can feel alone yet not be alone (as a lot of people don't understand).

I mean, sometimes I feel a bit like I'm surrounded by people who are trying so hard to help me and understand...but they just..can't. And I so badly want them to be able to help but I can't help what I feel... It's not like this thing has a booklet, or some kind of script that I'm meant to follow! I feel like even the safest places of my mind are being invaded by the demons that are my thoughts... 

Sometimes it's just so overwhelming! I don't get how so much frustration and anger at the world can fit into one girls brain! 

I hate the uncertainty!

I hate the fact I can't do what everybody else around me can!

I hate that people judge me, yet they don't get what I've been through!

I hate the fact I see people smoking every day and know what it's like to get the end outcome and know I didn't have a choice but these people did! 

I hate being pushed until I break!

I hate feeling weak, and unable!

I hate being pitied, like I'm abnormal!

And I hate feeling so frustrated!!

But none of that is going to change, no matter how many people tell me I'll be back to normal soon. I'll always be 'that girl who had cancer'. 

What is the definition of normal anyway?! Who gets to decide what's normal and what isn't? Why should you be normal just because you blend in to the background?

And why is it such a crime to speak your mind? Why is it so bad to try to show someone they're making a bad choice? Why is changing a crime? I won't change myself for anyone. Not even the 'new me'...I have lived this life being who I am, and I'm not going to change that just because a couple of people don't like who I've become. 

You call me selfish. And yeah, I guess I have become a bit selfish. But that's what happens when you're forced into survival mode. 

But you know what? YOU'RE the selfish one for not stepping back just one minute and thinking maybe, JUST maybe I might be totally torn up or broken on the inside....and stopping to think maybe you should just leave me alone this time. That maybe there's a reason I'm so upset and it's not just me being irrational. That you shouldn't take such a straight approach to things all the time, and that maybe I'm not being "inconsiderate", I'm trying to speak my mind even though I know it may be a bit harsh. And believe me, I wouldn't if I knew it was ridiculous. And just because I have concerns does not have some secondary meaning like I must be messed up in the head, or I love you, or I'm having a bad day and taking it out on you.

So, next time. Think. Because believe it or not- I stop and think about things before I say them to you. Theres lots I haven't said.

(that wasn't all about one person...just people in general. So sorry about the rant!) 

Anyway, sad and serious now. I would please like you all a prayer or send your thoughts out for Bridie and Daune. Two wonderful, inspiring people who both died in the last couple of weeks. I KNOW they're in a better place now, and I loved them both dearly though I didn't see them as often as I would of liked because of circumstances... RIP, I hope one day we will all see each other again.

Much love, befuddled and frustrated but now red haired, Baldy <3 x x 

P.S- this blog is now for Becky and Phoebe...who are my angels and who, without, I would have crumbled and gave in long ago... and who, both, are the closest to understanding than anyone in my life... And who have been there when I've cried and not cared if I've gotten mascara on their shoulders, and have stuck up for me even if they thought I was wrong because they knew I was hurting...I love you both and I do not know what I would do without you...You are BRILLIANT<3 x x x x