The title is my most favourite Ferris Bueller quote, and I thought it seemed appropriate for this post, not sure why, I just felt in my heart that it was right. Hmm... I'm not really sure how to start this one, folks. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I just find it hard to put down on paper what I feel, and writing has to come from the heart- and my heart only has so much energy at the moment.
I suppose the first thing to mention is that I'm CURED! Its wonderful news, news I have waited far too long to hear, and every time that I think it in my head I get butterflies at all the possibilities for my future.
The thing is, I think far too many people think that once I get the news that I'm clear of cancer- I am suddenly better and able to do everything again. Let me tell you with certain clarity that THIS IS NOT TRUE. In my honest opinion, I think recovery is harder than treatment. Treatment is awful, don't get me wrong... But I know how to deal with treatment- throw up, lose hair, aches and pains, fevers, sniffles, throw up, cry, shivers, flu-y, throw up. Once I got used to treatment, I wasn't so bad at it. Sure, I never enjoyed it and felt like crap the whole time I was on it- but I knew what I had to do. I had to fight, always. But then, when the urge to keep fighting every minute of every day is gone, its an odd kind of useless 'I don't quite know what to do now' feeling. I love being off treatment, and love not feeling like hell, but it's like going through all the doubts that you get with becoming an adolescent all at once. I'd been putting them off while I was on treatment, when I was on treatment all I could think of was fighting for my life. Now I feel slightly purposeless, like I'm trying to find my place in a world where everyone at the same level as me has already chosen theirs. The exhaustion doesn't help, either. At some point I'm going to have to accept that my body isn't up to the same capability and that I have to stop striving to match everyone else's strength. Unluckily for my body, that point isn't right now nor is it the very near future.
It's really quite odd, not being 'sick' anymore... 'Life is hard, and awful' and blah blah blah, and sure, I hated the fact that I was sick, but fighting for my life gave me an attitude and a mind that I don't think I could have found any other way. Before I got sick, the littlest things used to bring me down, wish I wasn't here anymore, wish that I had never been born- but when there was the possibility of it being taken away, it's like something clicked. Things are different now, I stop to look around now, take in my surroundings, remember that even when I'm exhausted and wish I could just crawl into my bed and never come out again, that I am living, that I am BREATHING, and that it's the most wonderful thing in the world. And I was thinking this the other day, and I came to the conclusion: Knowing that I have endless potential, and that I am surrounded by people who love me, and who believe in me and knowing that I will live (hopefully) a long and completely unpredictable but definitely human future makes me not care about feeling like I am a bit useless. Because you know what? Just because I am not fighting for my life anymore, does not mean that I am not fighting. And let me tell you, I will fight every day of the rest of my life for my place on this earth. Because that IS my purpose, I realised. It's the very thing that I've been fighting for the past two years. Just Me. Everything that I am, everything that I will be, everything that I could be- even everyone who makes me who I am. And if there was something that I learnt from having doubts, is that I always have the option to pick myself up again, and I'm definitely sure I will have to- but that's life, and I'm going to LIVE every minute of it.
The only way to repay the people who helped me through this, and who held my hand through my pain and wiped away my tears and stayed up to ungodly hours talking to me- or the people who had to sit and watch, and could do nothing, or even the people who sent silent support and prayers, the only REAL way to repay them is to show them that I appreciate what they helped me save. And I promise you all that I will do that- I'm going to shine, folks- and its because of you that I am. If you truly feel like you are special, you ARE special. And to all of you, you made a glittering firefly out of a average blue bottle.. So thank you.
My love to you, all you beautiful humans,
Befuddled, and feeling more glow worm than firefly because it's so bloomin' late, Baldy x o x o
(Also, to anyone out there that has felt the same way as me- You. Are. Worth. The. Fight. And you will shine so brightly, just don't let the bad parts of life stop you from staying around long enough to feel the good parts. Everyone glows, it just takes a while to really shine.)
It's really quite odd, not being 'sick' anymore... 'Life is hard, and awful' and blah blah blah, and sure, I hated the fact that I was sick, but fighting for my life gave me an attitude and a mind that I don't think I could have found any other way. Before I got sick, the littlest things used to bring me down, wish I wasn't here anymore, wish that I had never been born- but when there was the possibility of it being taken away, it's like something clicked. Things are different now, I stop to look around now, take in my surroundings, remember that even when I'm exhausted and wish I could just crawl into my bed and never come out again, that I am living, that I am BREATHING, and that it's the most wonderful thing in the world. And I was thinking this the other day, and I came to the conclusion: Knowing that I have endless potential, and that I am surrounded by people who love me, and who believe in me and knowing that I will live (hopefully) a long and completely unpredictable but definitely human future makes me not care about feeling like I am a bit useless. Because you know what? Just because I am not fighting for my life anymore, does not mean that I am not fighting. And let me tell you, I will fight every day of the rest of my life for my place on this earth. Because that IS my purpose, I realised. It's the very thing that I've been fighting for the past two years. Just Me. Everything that I am, everything that I will be, everything that I could be- even everyone who makes me who I am. And if there was something that I learnt from having doubts, is that I always have the option to pick myself up again, and I'm definitely sure I will have to- but that's life, and I'm going to LIVE every minute of it.
The only way to repay the people who helped me through this, and who held my hand through my pain and wiped away my tears and stayed up to ungodly hours talking to me- or the people who had to sit and watch, and could do nothing, or even the people who sent silent support and prayers, the only REAL way to repay them is to show them that I appreciate what they helped me save. And I promise you all that I will do that- I'm going to shine, folks- and its because of you that I am. If you truly feel like you are special, you ARE special. And to all of you, you made a glittering firefly out of a average blue bottle.. So thank you.
My love to you, all you beautiful humans,
Befuddled, and feeling more glow worm than firefly because it's so bloomin' late, Baldy x o x o
(Also, to anyone out there that has felt the same way as me- You. Are. Worth. The. Fight. And you will shine so brightly, just don't let the bad parts of life stop you from staying around long enough to feel the good parts. Everyone glows, it just takes a while to really shine.)
