I need to go to Glitter Rehab...

Okay, I think I may need to go to glitter rehab!! Not only was I wearing it today, but so were all of my friends too...after I had attacked them with my 'Fairy Dust'... Today was school photo day, but it was rather disappointing...no class photos, or year photos. And in the end, we didnt even get to have a friend photo taken because they were packing up when we went. Though, my fabulous fairy friends cheered me up by taking wonderful photos on their phones of all of us... :) In fact, I'll put one up!
Anyhoo, I glitter-fied a load of people, including boys! They all looked so prettyful... :D
And I wore my pink wig!! But then it got hot and itchy, so I took it off and glitterfied my head instead... yay!
Today was such a nice day...I feel content..for once! And tomorrow will be my last day back at school before I am back on chemo...so sad. So, Im going to make the most of it and have fun tomorrow :) Hopefully it will be a good day!
Anyway, Im going to go- this was only a short post! Love you all- people at school especially...Peebs, Bec, Laura, Eleanor, Evie, Matt, Jordan, Ben and Toby :) <3 [and Ryan, Lawrence and other Ben.. ;)]
Much Love,
Befuddled but utterly loved by her wonderful friends Baldy <3 xox
PS- and to my girlies: Mwah, Mwah!! ;) x

SCHOOL PHOTO DAY!! :D

So. I had a full day at school today! It was exhausting, but fun...And it was nice, you know- to be a bit more normal...It was nice to see all my friends too, considering that I wont see them for a bit because I'll be on chemo...eugh.
They had a special mass this morning aswell, which was actually lovely. Normally I find mass boring [no offence] but this mass was really nice! They mentioned me a lot, which didnt make me at all big-headed...teeheehee...and they even mentioned this blog...so hello new readers who were at the mass this morning!! :) Hope you enjoy reading this blog...
So, I had english twice today, same with maths...and one lesson of science and one of History...yay... It was funny at lunch though, as me and Peebus were pretending to be Matt and Laura- who are nauseatingly cute/cuddly at the moment. Matt: You are a friend thief!!! And you will get your come-uppance for stealing our Laura!!! Grrr!
Im dreading Thursday...Im just starting to feel good and slightly normal again and now I have to go back to bloomin Hospital to be pumped full of toxic liquids!! Plus, it always makes me feel so nauseous- and the steroids make me puffy, fat, irritable and sore. Not to mention overwhelmingly hungry...I mean- we have to constantly go to Tesco for more food because Ive managed to eat a whole weeks worth of shopping in one day...And to make it even worse, Im always tired because I have to take my last dose of drugs at midnight- and then  I have to wake up at ,like, 7 to take my first dose...Thank goodness Im allowed to go back to sleep again.
The good news is that tomorrow is school photo day! Normally I would physically cringe and shy away from the thought/mention of that- but this year is different! Im going to wear my pink wig and gorgeous eye make up and my new shimmery red lipgloss. Its going to be Amazing!!!! Yay!!
And then the nurse, Jo, is coming at half three...Awh, Im so excited for tomorrow!
And now Im going to go because Im a saddo and I watch 'Come Dine with Me' [dont judge me...] and I have a chocolate buttons ice cream and a packet of hubba bubba waiting for me!
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and totally psyched for tomorrow Baldy <3 xox  

Nothing wrong with a bit of Retail Therapy! ;)

Okay, sorry about that rant in the last post...and sorry to those I offended. I didnt mean any harm. I just got so frustrated at everything...Im so tired of being different. Before this all happened- I wouldve jumped at the chance to be unique. But now that Im unique for all the wrong reasons, its horrible. I havent been very moody or angry since this whole illness started and I think Im allowed one unreasonable temper fit, considering the circumstances. And I feel so guilty because everyone around me is suffering and its essentially my fault. My Mum is exhausted, my sister is feeling neglected, my Dad is upset and tired and thats just a dent in the long list of people who are effected by my cancer. And to all those people: Im sorry. Honestly, I didnt mean to do this. And I promise, if any of you ever get ill or are in need of help or support- I'll be there!

Anyway, , I'm going into school tomorrow. Theyre holding a mass and I think its dedicated to me or something. Which is nice...But its at 9 in the morning, and Im not so good with mornings. Not to mention the fact I have to bring one of my meds in if I want to survive the day... Not to mention its always boiling in those rooms and that means I cant wear my jumper. And then another problem arises as the only comfortable bras I own show through the school top, so I have to wear my white bra and that means Im uncomfortable for the whole day. But, on the upside- we went out shopping today [a little retail therapy never hurts], and bought new school trousers so at least I wont be wearing a skirt that doesnt fit me.
Mum also bought me some black card and a set of two pens- gold and silver that show up beautifully on the gold. Ive already used up four sheets of the card in making Valentines cards!
And then, when we went into TK Maxx to look for boots for me, as my old ones pinch and are falling apart- and my new-ish ones can only be worn with tights [and not socks] otherwise I cant get into them. Anyway, as we were looking around TK Maxx- Lucy suddenly went "Hey, Lily! Check this out! It's just your style!" and pulled over this gorgeous little hardcase suitcase. It was bright green with a big friendly looking frog on it! I practically drooled on it! She then disappeared off with it, and came back minutes later telling me the suitcase was mine, and that Mum would buy it for me! We're going to use it for going into hospital, as its only diddy! On the way up to the house, we grabbed a sausage roll for lunch- and Luce got a packet of quavers. We watched the amazing Call the Midwife again tonight- written by the wonderful Heidi Thomas/McGann, and starring the awesome Steve McGann...It really is a very good programme! If any of you havent seen it, go to BBC One at eight o clock on a Sunday...
Anyhoo, seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow- I'd better go to bed. Once again, sorry about the rant [and sorry Daddy xox]...Im much calmer now.
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and wondering what came over her Baldy <3 xox

The wedding of the century :)

26/01/2012
So, you know you have to get out of the house when you start to plan the wedding of your fifteen-year-old friends who have only just got together. Although, it IS a nice little project...I always said they'd get together. They just..suit. He's a little taller than her, they're both sandy blonde, both athletically built [although he has more of a swimmers build and she has a dancers...an Irish dancers...]. See? Perfect match. Their wedding is going to be amazing...Its going to be white and light blue themed, and in summer. Its all going to be outside, and theres going to be fairy lights for when it gets dark...and the most gorgeous cake. Lauras going to arrive in a horse and carriage and as shes walking up the aisle- a live band is going to be playing 'Isnt she lovely'...awwwh! And two micropigs are going to be the ring-bearers! The bridesmaids dresses will be a pale blue, and the bouquet will be white roses with little blue flowers dotted in it...The most beautiful ceremony too, with vows they wrote themselves... Its going to be the wedding of the century!!
Awh, I feel so sad that Im missing all these little moments at school. Life definitely doesnt stop moving for everyone else when you get cancer. Its inescapable.

27/01/2012
Argh! Im so frustrated at everything!!! Its so unfair...everyone always assumes that I get all the attention and that Im always doing little fun things to cheer me up. NO. I have had about an hour and a half of fun today- and then I had a little bit of fun on Wednesday too. But thats the first bit of fun Ive had in months. And as for "all the attention"- well, yes. I do get attention. But you know why? BECAUSE I HAVE CANCER. You know, not being selfish or anything- but I really dont think people actually get how hard this is for me. Im bald, fat, miserable and my supposed best friend has not even called me since I have been diagnosed. Today, I did my back in trying to get a pair of age 15 jeans on. Im 14. And then I dont fit in my school trousers, either. And then I spent an hour crying about it. Average time spent crying on a normal day: 1 and a half to 2 hours.
I have absolutely noone to talk to. Im alone. Alone and chubby with no hair. And to top it all off, Valentines Day is coming up. Just to remind me how alone I am. I just love life- it really kicks you when you're down.
"Lucy and Mum need bonding time, maybe Lily should be left at home while Kathy and Mum and Lucy go out..."---"Maybe Mum should spend a week away from it all..."...
Awww, thats nice. Maybe the cancer should just kill Lily and then everything can go back to normal?!
Its nice that SOME people can just walk away and escape for a weekend...me, on the other hand- I can NEVER escape. I have to live each day like one never ending cycle of pain and nausea. And no matter how many times people try to reassure me, and no matter how much make up I put on- I am not beautiful. Im not even pretty. Heck, Im not even attractive anymore.
I miss my old life. I miss freedom, and I miss wanting freedom. I dont want to be left alone. I dont want to feel alone anymore. Im so lonely.
Bye Bye,
Befuddled, lost and lonely Baldy xox






                         

Defining 'okay'...

The days seem to just melt into one another now. It's like being in a waiting room, I guess is the best way to describe it. The kind of waiting room that no one wants to be in. I was thinking about this the other day, and I think cancer is like a waiting room. One where you're chucked in against your will, your whole life put on pause- people close to you watching you suffer from behind glass, nothing they can do. And some people, well- they get to come back out the door to life. They get to come back through the glass. But some people...well, some people don't ever come back out. Or at least, not back through the door to life.
And well, I'm already in the queue to get the HELL outta this waiting room. I'm lucky. Now, all I do is take my drugs and await the blissful day when the doctor finally says: "You're all clear!"
Because I don't just want to feel better, although that would be nice. I want to BE better.
I'm justso sick of feeling sick, and tired, and there's nothing I can do but put up with it all...
So, anyway. Enough of the moaning...right. My week...hmmm...well, it's a great big ball of lying around doing nothing.
Okay, this is going to sound totally crazy- but there's this thing I like to do when I'm down, or when I'm ill. Of course, I'm so nauseous right now that I can't dance, right? But what I like to do sometimes is imagidancing...which is basically I put my headphones in and play some cheesy track really loud and imagine that I'm dancing. Sad, right? Haha...it's actually great fun... My track for the past few days has been 'give it up' by KC and the Sunshine Band...oh my gosh, cringeworthy I know, but I love that song. I think the cancer is affecting my ability to listen to good songs. I'm now listening to 80's music...eugh! I ACTUALLY purchased 'The Final Countdown' on iTunes...and 'The Only Way Is Up'...argh! My iPad is musically scarred.
Oh, although I have actually got into Imelda May, who has an amazing husky voice. I really love 'Johnny got a Boom Boom'... I heard it on Jools Holland's New Year show thing, and just HAD to get it on my iPad...and that is saying something, considering I'm not really into that type of music...

It's odd, now. When I used to look in the mirror- when this all started. When I had lost all my hair, and my face was all puffed up... I really used to mind. I used to panic and worry and obsess over what people might say about my image. But now I'm actually beginning to realise that it was never anyone else who really had a problem with my image. It was me. I was the one who built up just normal little looks in the street to these huge things, unfair staring and prejudices. Now, when I look in the mirror, I couldn't imagine myself any other way. It's like I've been like this for years, when I really haven't. I guess that what I'm saying is now I don't see the puffy flushed cheeks, and the startling baldness, or the tired, pale face. I see a kind of round porcelain creature, without her ringlets- blushing furiously. Although, I'm not quite sure porcelain dolls wear such sad, fed up expressions. But hey, I never said I was perfect. But I'm okay. And that's what I have to be...okay.
Because there's nothing else to be.
Much love,
Befuddled, but always okay, baldy <3 xoxo

"Is blah really the new blah?" ;)

Well, its half eleven on a Saturday night, and I am curled up on the sofa with drugs [the legal, cancer kind- NOT cocaine...], hot milk and 'Sex and the City'. Why the hell does Carrie need to obsess over every single detail of her life.
"Does the fact that this martini is only half full mean that my relationship is going to fail?" [complete with blonde hair toss and pout...]. Or, as my aunt pointed out; "Is blah really the new blah?"... Of course, she didnt actually say that, but it sounds like something that she WOULD say. Although, Carrie does have to-die-for hair...that, her funny 'fashion sense' and her sarcastic sense of humour are her only redeeming features. Well, in Season 4- anyway.
So, out of the world of baffled New Yorkers, and into the real and terrifying world of Lily. So, I have started on the new course of chemo. Most of this one is at home, but not really much easier than the last. I mean, I have to take chemo twice a day every day for every day of the course- AND steroids three times a day...and of course anti-reflux [once a day] to counteract the steroids, morphine [four times a day] for the pain, gabapentin for the nerve pain [three times a day], ondansetron [three times a day] for the sickness and then a horrible anti-biotic called Septrin twice on Saturdays and Sundays.
But eating helps...nibbling on stuff...I seem to have gotten through quite a lot of bacon recently...and potato products [including all different types of mash, roast potatoes, fried, jacketed and croquettes], and of course soups... I'm worryingly addicted to all things foody now. Especially cookery programmes...Jamie Oliver is a particular favourite at the moment. Although I havent QUITE gotten over what he did to the roast potatoes at christmas. He put them with ORANGES. Eugh...although I quite liked the beef he cooked the other night, so I suppose that kind of makes up for it.
And I never knew there was so much you can do with asparagus...But seriously, who gets up in the morning and says "Im going to have a runny boiled egg, and what shall I have with it? Not the sane choice, which would be toast soldiers, but hey, I might just grill or boil some asparagus!" Crazy talk!
I can't have any form of undercooked egg now, anyway. Sadly. Or not so sadly, depending on what style the egg is cooked. Nigella's a big favourite too. She's odd, and wears too tight tops considering shes a cook, but she makes lovely- if extremely decadent- food.
So, the days are pretty much dragging now...not really much to look forward to, really. Im constantly bored, and have gone  through eleven books in the last week. TV doesnt hold much interest for me now, unless its foody. And beauty..well, we all know thats a ship thats pretty much sailed. Or sunk, depending on whether you're sailing with Costa...Okay. Thats a HORRIBLE joke, and I apologise profusely...I cant believe that it even happened, really. But Im glad that people survived. My condolences go out to those who are missing and their families and friends.
So, I'd better go now, and take my chemo. And my hot milk. Because; when in doubt- drink hot milk.
Okay, thats a lame phrase- but it works for me...and no, I do NOT think it is in the least bit odd that I like hot milk with my chemo. Because, hey- whatever works for the patient, right?
Much Love,
Befuddled and entirely fed up with all the drug taking Baldy <3 xoxo

My shrinky dinky tumour

Well, I'm a lot less depressed than I was a few days ago. Although, chemo has pissed me off. Especially since I just had to spend a whopping 9 and a bit hours in hospital today. Yay. Actually, thats unfair. Today was a good day, as far as days in hospital go. Not because the chemo was any less harsh, because it wasn't- but because I got the results of my scan too!
The tumour in my chest has shrunk by more than 50% and the cancer is now, for the most part, inactive.
I still have to continue with the four months of chemo, but no radiotherapy! Yaaaaay! Excellent news, right?
But then I had to have chemo, and it kind of put a little bit of a downer on my day. Y'know- I'm kind of getting used to the whole 'constant nausea' thing. I dont like it, but Im getting used to it. Argh :/
My aunt has joined us in England...she came bearing gifts [including some comedy dvds, a 'wheres the meerkat' book and a very cute panda hat from Binne.]
The annoying thing about chemo [apart from the sickness and the seven different types of drugs I have to take several times a day] is that my skin doesnt heal properly anymore. Som skin came off my lip and isnt healing...its very sore... -.-
Anyhow, Im going to go, as Im feeling nauseous and have just taken a load of drugs on an empty stomach. So I need to eat, though I dont want to.
Lots of love, Befuddled, and sore and lazy, Baldy <3 xoxo

I wandered lonely as a cloud..

Clouds are lonely? Y'know, I wouldn't have thought they were as they all look so together and happy- floating up in the sky...I bet clouds can't get cancer. I bet they can't have their lives ruined and their minds messed up in just a few seconds. Stupid Wordsworth. What does he know?
I'M lonely...never mind those clouds...but how can I be so lonely when Im surrounded by so many people? How is it even possible? I panic every time I'm alone, maybe for fear I'll drop dead or maybe because Im worried that if I'm left alone with my own thoughts I'll go mad!
Sorry for bothering you all with these silly little panickings... I'll go now.
I hate this stupid life.

Befuddled and wondering whether everything is all worth it Baldy xox

MERRY CHRISTMAS..AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! Mine was certainly the most awesome Christmas ever!
Lu and I got up at half 5 to open our stockings- an impressive feat considering I had only got to sleep at half two. In my stocking I got make up [Barry M, Lancome and MAC], along with make-up brushes...and a gorgeous notebook, £10 paperchase voucher, chocolate, 2 CDs, a DVD, a couple of books, an ipod cover, a purse, some bodyshop perfume and at the bottom of my bed- all wrapped up- was a bright pink curly wig from cancer research.
Lu got Sylvanian Families, Mario 3D Land for her 3DS, a CD, chocolate, a DVD, a book, a purse, a paperchase voucher, an ipod cover and a notepad.
Then we both went back to sleep, and woke back up again at quarter to eight- and woke Mum and Dad up too! Mum and Dad opened their stockings and pretended to be shocked at what we had gotten from "Santa". Then Lu and I ran down to the tree and grabbed one present for each of us [the biggest ones...] and opened them. They just happened to be from Mawsie and Chris [grandparents] and we both got a gorgeously fluffy, fleecy blanket [dark pink for Lucy and light pink for me], woolly topshop socks, a bunny rabbit nightlight and £40 in a card...wow! :) Mum got a furry scarf thing, and Dad got this old fashioned antiquey looking lamp with a candle in it.
Then we all ate breakfast- scrambled eggs, cranberry juice and bacon for me, bacon for Lu, and scrambled eggs, bacon and smoked salmon for Mum and Dad.
After breakfast, we all moved into the good sitting room [which has all the presents in] and Luce was in charge of handing out the presents.
Among my presents were hats, lip glosses, sticks and balms, smellies sets, notebooks, stationary, and a wonderful case for my Ipad that is also a keyboard that connects via bluetooth- so my Ipad is essentially a laptop now!
And of course vouchers [£50 topshop, £10 new look] and money [£165!].
Luce got an Ipad, various smellies, and some DS games and a photo album and some stationary.
Mum got makeup, a spa voucher, jewellery, perfume and smellies, and a handbag and edible stuff. Dad got a tabletop pinball machine, some CDs, some books, a little bronze statue, a talking shoulder monkey, and some edible stuff.
After that, everyone played with their stuff [I started to, but fell asleep and was woken up a while later for my bath...]. After that, I put on my pink wig, cream lace dress and sparkly vesty thingy. And of course I wore my new dark blue sparkly eyeshadow, and red-ish calvin klein lipstick from the set Lucy had gotten me. Clinging to our new Ipads, and notebooks- Lu and I got into the car. In fact, I actually have a picture on my Ipad of us in the car- I shall put it up on facebook, or maybe even on the blog if I can figure out how... :)
Then we got to Pete and Kaths, and we smelt all the yumminess of Christmas dinner, and opened presents [a gorgeous mini perfume, giant jaffa cake tube and THE most gorgeous necklace (a little turquoise and gold and orange bird with a little jewelled eye) from Pete and Kath, and then some gorgeous sparkly bath bombs from Elliot (cousin...) and the most beautiful pink fountain pen from Georgia (also a cousin :D)...].
Then we tucked into turkey, and roast spuds, broccoli, sprouts, parsnips, sweet potato, bacon, sausages and stuffing! Yum, yum...YUM!! Oh, and homemade gravy, of course!! Then there was champagne and red wine, and white wine- and alcoholic ginger beer...and lemonade!
Then came the puds [all homemade]- there was Christmas pudding, which I dont like but smelled delicious all the same! Then there was a gorgeous chocolate cake in the shape of a sphere and iced like a christmas pudding (nom nom nom...) and a lovely smelling lemon mousse. Oh- and there were tube wafers which were a bit like brandy snaps- and a lovely shortbread.
Anyhoo, we were all pretty stuffed so Pete put a dvd [Disney's 'A Christmas Carol'] on the big screen in the school room and we all sat around the cinematic screen watching it. Well...actually, I fell asleep again.
When we got home, we just watched movies and picked at food and played with what we'd got. And laughed...and chatted. It was nice...
Boxing Day was fun too. We went to Mawsie and Chris's and ate lots of ham and potatoes and yummy stuff! Tom and Jessie [cousins] gave me an itunes voucher too!
After an interesting walk in the dark in the park we came back and sat playing a weird animal noise game, when all of a sudden Chris stood up on a chair and dropped his trousers! He was just pulling down his pants when everyone yelled for him to stop through floods of laughing tears...
Apparently this is a Christmas/Boxing Day tradition...It was very funny, to say the least...if a little disturbing. :D...
Oh! Did I tell you about my transfusion?! It was on the 23rd... And I was tired, and sicky feeling, and the oncologist rang and said my haemoglobin was low. So, I had three bags of blood [2 units]...yum yum yum...but it made me feel better. Which is nice! Yaaaaay
Anyhoo, skip forward in time to the 30th..which was the day I had my scans. I went into hospital early, and had a cannula put in my hand [ouch.] and then we went down to the scan area, and they talked us through it. And then we went into a room where I had to sit for an hour and a half after they put this radioactive tracer liquid in my cannula. Unfortunately, Dad couldnt come because only one parent was allowed...that annoyed me and I told the nurse that it annoyed me but she shrugged apologetically and mumbled something about radioactive and not enough space. As it was Mum had to sit on the other side of the cubicle because I was radioactive.
Then we went into this big room [after the hour and a half] and I lay down on this hard bed thingy and I went in this large doughut shaped whirring machine...For most of it, it didnt move, but every four minutes I went even further into the machine. After that PET scan,  then I ate stuff and then we went for the CT scan...which was a smaller machine but more annoying because they put this liquid in me which made me all hot and I thought I'd wet myself!! Eeek!
Then we went home..pretty much...Oh, wait- no, we went to St Albans...and then to the Galleria shopping centre, where I bought books! Yay! And then we went home. I was sore and tired by then...
I really just want to chill and save my energy over the next few days...as I dont think I can face doing TOO much :/
Happy New Year everyone, by the way! I hope this year will be prosperous for all!! Im not exactly looking forward to it, but what can I do? Its not like I have any choice in any of this...no choice, and no control.

Right, I'd better go- as its New Years Day and Im hungry ;) Lots and lots of love to you all, and I will try to write more often....Muchos hugs y kisses!!
Lots o' love, Befuddled and wary of the New Year Baldy <3 xoxox