"Head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy for a while.
The breathing gets harder- even I know that."
The opening lines to Sara Bareilles 'Love Song'. Now, I actually really like this song- despite the fact that its ironic title annoys me. Today was interesting, I suppose. Being off chemo is odd, and nice. But Im just counting down the days till I have to go back to the hospital and walk down the squeaky floors and quirkily decorated white washed corridors to the paediatric unit where they'll hook me up to various machines. I guess some part of me must wonder 'why me?' but I mean- why not? Who else would it be if it wasn't me? Would I really wish this on someone else? I dont THINK I would...but the human mind can be more selfish than you think. Would my parents wish it on someone else rather than me? Would my friends? Guilt. A huge part of this illness is guilt. Everyone feels guilty. I feel guilty for being ill, and for putting everyone through this. I know its not my fault- but it doesnt mean I feel any less guilty. Mum and Dad presumably feel guilty- as do most people when they talk to me. I wish I could stop the guilt...its no-ones fault. People like to blame God- but its not His fault either. Well, I dont think it is...I dont know for sure.
Im almost bald now...which is interesting. The worst part of it is that my head gets quite chilly :) And I look a bit odd- especially since some of my hair is pink...I dyed it when I found out that I had cancer.
It makes it easy now though, because I dont have to wash it! And I can just wear a wig if I want to look normal :D
Anyway, Ill post more tomorrow...yours cheerily- Befuddled Baldy:)
The breathing gets harder- even I know that."
The opening lines to Sara Bareilles 'Love Song'. Now, I actually really like this song- despite the fact that its ironic title annoys me. Today was interesting, I suppose. Being off chemo is odd, and nice. But Im just counting down the days till I have to go back to the hospital and walk down the squeaky floors and quirkily decorated white washed corridors to the paediatric unit where they'll hook me up to various machines. I guess some part of me must wonder 'why me?' but I mean- why not? Who else would it be if it wasn't me? Would I really wish this on someone else? I dont THINK I would...but the human mind can be more selfish than you think. Would my parents wish it on someone else rather than me? Would my friends? Guilt. A huge part of this illness is guilt. Everyone feels guilty. I feel guilty for being ill, and for putting everyone through this. I know its not my fault- but it doesnt mean I feel any less guilty. Mum and Dad presumably feel guilty- as do most people when they talk to me. I wish I could stop the guilt...its no-ones fault. People like to blame God- but its not His fault either. Well, I dont think it is...I dont know for sure.
Im almost bald now...which is interesting. The worst part of it is that my head gets quite chilly :) And I look a bit odd- especially since some of my hair is pink...I dyed it when I found out that I had cancer.
It makes it easy now though, because I dont have to wash it! And I can just wear a wig if I want to look normal :D
Anyway, Ill post more tomorrow...yours cheerily- Befuddled Baldy:)
Love this Lil - so well written :-)
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