Well, today was fun :) I went into school today- for longer this time. Im exhausted now, but it was worth it. But okay, I think I am totally kidding myself when I say Im not ashamed to be bald. I am. I am TOTALLY ashamed. When I take my wig off and I look in the mirror- I feel like crying. Its a mark- a mark of cancer. A sign that I have it- a sign that Im ill. A sign that Im different. Its ugly. IM ugly...
I know I said it didnt bother me, and Im trying not to let such vain things get to me- but its hard. Hard when I have to look in the mirror and all I see are scars and lack of hair. Not to mention the ugly tube coming out of my skin!
And I am DREADING next week...Its getting to the point where Im wondering how the hell I can get out of it...I dont want to go back into that Hospital...I dont want to feel like I did. I want to have control! I have to remind myself that its all helping- but it doesnt seem it. It feels more like its killing me. I cant believe I have to do this for the next six months. And then possible radiotherapy after that...
I dont want to! I dont want any of this! I dont suppose anyone would, though. I just wish that there was some easier way...I want to be normal...I want to be able to go to school like a normal kid and not worry about wearing a wig- or what people will think, or whether people will stare!
Sorry to whine on like this...Im being a tad ridiculous :)
Anyhoo, it was a pretty uneventful day... I had double drama [which I got to choose the games/excercises in! yaay!] and then double spanish [pretty uninteresting...]...
My friends are all angels and I am grateful to you all <3
And to my loyal and loving family: I love you <3
Broken and Befuddled...Baldy xox
I know I said it didnt bother me, and Im trying not to let such vain things get to me- but its hard. Hard when I have to look in the mirror and all I see are scars and lack of hair. Not to mention the ugly tube coming out of my skin!
And I am DREADING next week...Its getting to the point where Im wondering how the hell I can get out of it...I dont want to go back into that Hospital...I dont want to feel like I did. I want to have control! I have to remind myself that its all helping- but it doesnt seem it. It feels more like its killing me. I cant believe I have to do this for the next six months. And then possible radiotherapy after that...
I dont want to! I dont want any of this! I dont suppose anyone would, though. I just wish that there was some easier way...I want to be normal...I want to be able to go to school like a normal kid and not worry about wearing a wig- or what people will think, or whether people will stare!
Sorry to whine on like this...Im being a tad ridiculous :)
Anyhoo, it was a pretty uneventful day... I had double drama [which I got to choose the games/excercises in! yaay!] and then double spanish [pretty uninteresting...]...
My friends are all angels and I am grateful to you all <3
And to my loyal and loving family: I love you <3
Broken and Befuddled...Baldy xox
Dear Lily, Your dad sent us a link to your blog and I just wanted to say thank you for creating something which is such a thought-provoking and compelling read. You are clearly a born writer ( and I should know ; - D ) and, although I wish you were writing on any other subject, I am genuinely impressed by the way you can express these complex thoughts . You write with remarkable power and precision, and I think that one day you will look back on this blog and be amazed at how you were able to articulate your experience during this challenging chapter. And don't forget that it is only a chapter, even though at times it will feel as though your illness fills up every page. The full-length book of Lily's life will run to many, many volumes and be full of different anecdotes and adventures, and the struggle of these six months will be one story amongst many. But in the meantime, keep up this blog! You have a great gift, and to write is to fight. lots of love, Heidi Ps Ignore my user name, I have no idea why I come up as Adele!
ReplyDelete