Hey everyone, I'm not sure how many people are still reading this as I haven't posted in so, so long. But to the remaining few- Hallo!
Not all that much has happened since I last wrote, to be perfectly honest. A lot of work, and I mean A LOT OF WORK is being done at the moment in my room. By me. I think my eyes are sore from how many things I've had to read and re-read. *Streeeeeesss*
We went to Ireland in half term- for Halloween- which was nice. Although, I have to be honest and say that actually I didn't feel too, TOO safe there being so far from a hospital since I was only three and a half months out of treatment. I also missed my familiar room and all my routines so it was a little difficult. Though actually I had fun- and it was nice seeing all of my relatives.
I came back and had a whole WEEK off school (which, in itself, was hoooorrible- I was going stir crazy) because of, what they found in the end was, a vitamin D deficiency. Brilliant. So that brought difficulties as I can't swallow tablets so I'm now on drops and crushed up tablets. Then, I had a fertility appointment to check how my hormones and everything were doing after treatment- and that included a pelvic scan and some blood tests. So in that week alone I had three blood tests on three consecutive days- what a nightmare!! Then it was just work and school, trying to catch up on everything, although I did have to drop an A Level subject and accept the fact that I was going to have to do three years of sixth form- I think that's the best thing for me though. I'm way less stressed and tired than I was before, and managing a heck of a lot better.
And then, a couple weeks ago, I had my fertility results appointment. Unfortunately they told me that I won't actually be able to have my own children and that my ovaries have basically shut down. I think it was one of the worst things I have ever had to sit through, and for about a week after I beat myself up about it- going through lists of things I would trade for it back in my head at night, or wondering if I could have done something different and it wouldn't have happened, or chosen the other less damaging treatment when I was given the option at fourteen. Of course, now I'm thinking slightly more rationally, I realise that my fourteen year old self would not have been thinking of having kids or keeping her fertility- but rather just keeping fighting and giving herself the best chance possible. So she should have been, and I don't really regret that decision at all. I guess in those low points, I swung between feeling as if everything had been taken from me, or that I was just a failure as a girl. One thing women are able to do- conceive, have children- and I can't even do it. I know its irrational, and actually completely against half of my feminist views to think that that is the one thing women are really good at, but hey ho. I don't think people my age, my friends, understand, just like they don't understand what I really went through during treatment or how hard recovery is. Its one of those things where you have to really have seen how much someone has lost, felt how someone has felt- I guess you just have to put yourself in that persons position. And I know that's impossible for some people, for most people even. I don't begrudge anyone that, but I think that friends- even though they don't understand, even though they don't GET IT, they're there because they know how much it hurts YOU.
Anyway- enough of the heavy heavy. I went to the christmas fayre this weekend, the same one I wrote about a couple years ago when I first began my treatment. All I could think when I was there was that I had walked the same path through the same stalls, smelled the same christmassy smells at the beginning of my cancer journey and that I was back again- but better. Stronger. A new person, really, I think. I'm more mature, but I don't take myself too seriously. I even got my face painted in New Look! It's always a high point, having people stare as I- a sixteen year old sixth former- sit and get a snowman painted on my face.
I love Christmas time though, and I really always feel like the Christmas Fayre is the beginning of the Christmas season (I was listening to christmas music weeks ago but shhh). The other lovely thing in November was that I went to London with my boyfriend, to see all the christmas decorations and to visit the christmas sections in Harrods and Selfridges. We got lost once (on Oxford/Regent street) but apart from that it was an AWESOME day and we didn't even feel the cold or how far we'd walked- it was too exciting! And then in the evening it was all topped off by snuggling at home watching the DOCTOR WHO 50TH SPECIAL WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND TOM BAKER WAS IN IT AND IM NOT EVEN GOING TO GO ON ABOUT IT BECAUSE I'LL COME ACROSS AS A TOTAL DORK.
Anyway- it's been an up and down couple of weeks, and I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, and I probably won't write for a while because I have so much work- but stay with me, loveys. I'm not going anywhere.
Lots of love, Not at all bald anymore but definitely still Befuddled <3
Not all that much has happened since I last wrote, to be perfectly honest. A lot of work, and I mean A LOT OF WORK is being done at the moment in my room. By me. I think my eyes are sore from how many things I've had to read and re-read. *Streeeeeesss*
We went to Ireland in half term- for Halloween- which was nice. Although, I have to be honest and say that actually I didn't feel too, TOO safe there being so far from a hospital since I was only three and a half months out of treatment. I also missed my familiar room and all my routines so it was a little difficult. Though actually I had fun- and it was nice seeing all of my relatives.
I came back and had a whole WEEK off school (which, in itself, was hoooorrible- I was going stir crazy) because of, what they found in the end was, a vitamin D deficiency. Brilliant. So that brought difficulties as I can't swallow tablets so I'm now on drops and crushed up tablets. Then, I had a fertility appointment to check how my hormones and everything were doing after treatment- and that included a pelvic scan and some blood tests. So in that week alone I had three blood tests on three consecutive days- what a nightmare!! Then it was just work and school, trying to catch up on everything, although I did have to drop an A Level subject and accept the fact that I was going to have to do three years of sixth form- I think that's the best thing for me though. I'm way less stressed and tired than I was before, and managing a heck of a lot better.
And then, a couple weeks ago, I had my fertility results appointment. Unfortunately they told me that I won't actually be able to have my own children and that my ovaries have basically shut down. I think it was one of the worst things I have ever had to sit through, and for about a week after I beat myself up about it- going through lists of things I would trade for it back in my head at night, or wondering if I could have done something different and it wouldn't have happened, or chosen the other less damaging treatment when I was given the option at fourteen. Of course, now I'm thinking slightly more rationally, I realise that my fourteen year old self would not have been thinking of having kids or keeping her fertility- but rather just keeping fighting and giving herself the best chance possible. So she should have been, and I don't really regret that decision at all. I guess in those low points, I swung between feeling as if everything had been taken from me, or that I was just a failure as a girl. One thing women are able to do- conceive, have children- and I can't even do it. I know its irrational, and actually completely against half of my feminist views to think that that is the one thing women are really good at, but hey ho. I don't think people my age, my friends, understand, just like they don't understand what I really went through during treatment or how hard recovery is. Its one of those things where you have to really have seen how much someone has lost, felt how someone has felt- I guess you just have to put yourself in that persons position. And I know that's impossible for some people, for most people even. I don't begrudge anyone that, but I think that friends- even though they don't understand, even though they don't GET IT, they're there because they know how much it hurts YOU.
Anyway- enough of the heavy heavy. I went to the christmas fayre this weekend, the same one I wrote about a couple years ago when I first began my treatment. All I could think when I was there was that I had walked the same path through the same stalls, smelled the same christmassy smells at the beginning of my cancer journey and that I was back again- but better. Stronger. A new person, really, I think. I'm more mature, but I don't take myself too seriously. I even got my face painted in New Look! It's always a high point, having people stare as I- a sixteen year old sixth former- sit and get a snowman painted on my face.
I love Christmas time though, and I really always feel like the Christmas Fayre is the beginning of the Christmas season (I was listening to christmas music weeks ago but shhh). The other lovely thing in November was that I went to London with my boyfriend, to see all the christmas decorations and to visit the christmas sections in Harrods and Selfridges. We got lost once (on Oxford/Regent street) but apart from that it was an AWESOME day and we didn't even feel the cold or how far we'd walked- it was too exciting! And then in the evening it was all topped off by snuggling at home watching the DOCTOR WHO 50TH SPECIAL WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND TOM BAKER WAS IN IT AND IM NOT EVEN GOING TO GO ON ABOUT IT BECAUSE I'LL COME ACROSS AS A TOTAL DORK.
Anyway- it's been an up and down couple of weeks, and I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, and I probably won't write for a while because I have so much work- but stay with me, loveys. I'm not going anywhere.
Lots of love, Not at all bald anymore but definitely still Befuddled <3
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