Danger: Krispy Kremes

Hello everyone!!
I'm so sorry I've been so lax with writing my blog. I have been a bit busy with high dose, and then trying to reassemble my life. Slowly but surely it IS happening. Listening to songs like "I'm coming out" by Diana Ross helps, makes me feel motivated and like "Yeah.. I AM coming out!". Though not like that, I mean coming outside, and even half the time I don't even go outside. It's really a metaphorical thing.
So. Things I have been doing. Not much, to be perfectly honest with you all. I had a sleepover with my girlies, and that was amazing and I enjoyed that immensely. Though I have decided that krispy kreme doughnuts are definitely a hazard when put in front of me. Seriously, man, those glazed are just to die for. And also, that watching scary movies with a girl that spooks easily and has a deafening scream is definitely not a good idea! Mostly it's just been getting used to all my appointments at adult oncology/haematology. And internet shopping. It's really an addiction.
I'm already getting ready for school- sixth form this time- and I can't wait to start my life again! All non uniform, and brain challenging school work here I come!
Also, I sent my application for 'Find Your Sense Of Tumour' in. I would love to go, it really just sounds so wonderful! And I would love to meet others and hear other stories. Cancer's a lonely disease, y'know.
A while back I did some filming for Jimmyteens on a project called 'One Week in Cancer' so if anyone has any curiosity as to what I look like on video, then here is the link:
http://jimmyteens.tv/2013/08/01/one-week-in-cancer-meet-the-owic-filmmakers/

Anyway. I will definitely post more often as I miss you all and the general excitement of sharing my seemingly boring life(at the moment, anyway)!
Love to you all,
Befuddled, and still frustratingly a Baldy <3

The Prom Before-Party

Well, firstly I would like to say that I am writing this while wearing a unicorn themed onesie. I kid you not, Topshop actually does onesies that look like unicorns (even has the horn on the hood). Which, for me, is fabby... Although it looks more like a babygrow, really. Complete with the poppers down the front and everything. Enough of my unusual bedtime fashion choices.
So these past couple of weeks have been eventful. I had all my tests, and everything has pretty much come back fine in time for my high dose chemotherapy next week, which I suppose is excellent. With all the packing and everything, I'm trying to convince myself I'm going on holiday rather than on horrific cancer-ridding treatment.
Anyway, after the tests came my BIRTHDAY!! On which I turned sweet sixteen (I can now buy a cow) and had a wonderful day with the family, and got various nerdy doctor who themed gifts as well as gorgeous jewellery and books. One of which, "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green, I am convinced has changed my life. Surprisingly, that's not me being over dramatic- I really do believe that it's changed my opinion on many things for the better. So definitely all hats off to you, John Green, for being such a wizard of words.
Unfortunately on my "birthweek" I had some sort of sinus-y infection thing which made me rather unattractive and sniffly so I do apologise to anyone who had to deal with me, especially the good people at Call the Midwife, who had to put up with my sniffling for a whole day at the readthrough on the Wednesday. If you want the full details on that, you'll have to go to the Call the Midwife facebook page, as I wrote a blog piece for it. It was an amazing day, and Heidi and Steve even introduced my Mum and I to this wonderful spiritual shop with all sorts of healing crystals and the like. They called it 'the spooky shop', I believe... and it was rather spooky. But a wonderful kind of spooky, if you know what I mean. The kind that makes you want to touch everything in it to soak up the magic and the spookiness. I bought several crystals and a set of tarot cards with a book on how to learn them. I'm not doing so well with the tarot cards so far, as I'm easily frustrated, but I will carry on and be wonderful at them by the end! I'm determined to learn!!
So all in all that was a really wonderful day, even though I felt like some kind of sniffly green phlegm monster... Definitely not my most attractive week.
On the 30th, it was my birthday party of sorts. I'd decided what a good thing to do would be to go to Banham Zoo with all my friends. And it seemed like a worse and worse idea as I got nearer to the day, but when we got there it couldn't have been a better one. It's quite funny, really, just how excited 15/16 year olds get at the prospect of seeing all these "exotic" animals and being generally close to them. You'd have thought we'd have gotten past this kind of childish giddiness, but apparently not. It's just as well we haven't, as we wouldn't have had nearly as fun a time as we did if we had. If that sentence made any sense whatsoever. We even went on the little train, and into the lemur enclosure! And oh, the goat adventure!
Basically, there are two gates into the goat petting enclosure. And the inner gate has to always be closed for the outer gate to open so that the goats never escape. Anyway, so we arrived there and all piled into the space between the outer gate and the inner gate... Though, as soon as we opened the inner gate, these three miniature goats flooded in and wouldn't leave. So, essentially we were trapped in a very small space with three (might I say, very temperamental) goats. This is 12 teenagers and three goats. A kind of strange herding process began to happen then, but to no avail, and soon enough the goats even started to have mini goat fights with each other. Eventually, a girl of roughly about seven years old came along and was able to coax the goats out, but not before people had seen how 12 teenagers had reacted when stuck in an enclosed space with such seemingly angry goats. And let me tell you, we did not react well. This all happened within the first ten minutes of being at the zoo. Lets just say, we avoided the petting zoo after that.
After seeing 'Steve', which is what Evie had named the red panda, we headed to a kiosk- where I got a medal because I had a massive birthday badge on, courtesy of Becky.
Ben, Laura, Evie, Becky, Phoebe and I ran away from Tom, Matt, Joe, Jordan, other Matt and other Ben at one point to take selfies with the giraffes. Giraffes are my favourite apart from the penguins, I think. Although I do have a massive soft spot for the lemurs too.
When we arrived home, I was all ready to get the cake out and start eating and drinking and the like, but apparently that was not to be. As I was still messing with some of the (ultra nerdy but absolutely wonderful and the best kind of stuff) presents that I'd been given, I was whisked off upstairs by all the girls, with them claiming they were going to "make me over". At first, this wasn't at all suspicious, and I went along with it... Even when they dressed me up in one of my best dresses I went along with it. When they got dressed and made up too, I was slightly weirded out. Although watching Evie and Becky struggle to connect glow sticks was probably the most amusing thing I've had the pleasure to watch in a while. When everyone put on heels and headed back downstairs (bear in mind I hadn't been allowed to leave the top floor for all this time), I was slightly suspicious. Even more suspicious when Mum and Dad insisted on taking quite a few photos, and even more suspicious when I heard music coming from the tightly closed sitting room door. Turns out, I had a right to be suspicious! I was pushed through the door into a dark room filled with a disco ball and lasers and also full of the boys (all seven of them) all decked out in suits! My wonderful and thoughtful and GENERALLY SUPER AND AMAZING friends had decided that since it was my birthday and also since I am unfortunately not going to be able to make it to my prom (due to the fact that I'm going to be in intensive treatment)- to throw me a prom-birthday party! I like to call it the Prom Before-Party, rather than a Prom After-Party. And I even got voted the Prom Queen and had to slow dance with my Prom King (which was totally delightfully cringey). It was just the most wonderful evening and I will never forget it. My friends are most definitely the most supportive, amazing friends in the world and I love them all so much. So a massive thank you to all of them (especially you, Matt H, for organising it mostly and conspiring with my folks).
Then I pretty much turned into a recluse for a few days, not really wanting to do much and wanting to just recover. Finally today I went out to lunch with my Dad, and we went and ate noodles. It was really quite yummy, and I joked about us being ladies who lunched. Afterwards we went shopping, and then to Bury for yet more shopping with Matt... I don't think I should use my card for quite a while now, oops! Although I did buy this most wonderful unicorn onesie, and some much needed stuff for high dose. Then finally, to top off another wonderful day, my whole family and I, plus Matt, went to see Star Trek: Into Darkness. WHICH I LOVED. Mainly because I'm slightly in love with Benedict Cumberbatch and he was in it, so I spent most of it drooling at the screen (metaphorically... if it was literally, that would be quite embarrassing for such a social situation, even if it is in darkness). I have decided that as soon as the sun comes out, it means good karma for me. As most sunny days seem to brilliant ones. SO BRING ON THE SUN!
Anyway, I hope you all are well, and seeing as it is nearly four in the morning, I better skedaddle to bed.
I love you all, and wish every one of you the best. If I don't write too soon, it is probably because I'm too ill. Or asleep. I never know the difference between the two any more.
If I may, I would like to leave you with a quote from "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green.
"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations", which I think sums up how I feel perfectly.
Sending love to you all from the Chesterfield Bat Cave (which is now what I call my room).
Befuddled, and worried that karma is giving her whip lash with its mood swings, Baldy <3

Le Sweet Sixteen

Hey there! How are y'all? Well, I hope you are all well. (That always sounds vaguely threatening... Sorry).
I've been meaning to write more on here, but the truth is I don't know what to say anymore. People say just to write down my dreams and aspirations and general feelings on here, but to be quite honest I don't know what my dreams and aspirations are anymore- I could be anything, go anywhere. As for my feelings, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I have such a mix of emotions that I have no idea which is which anymore. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a confusing thing. So I apologise for not writing, I just haven't the words.
My life at the moment pretty much consists of watching tv, reading comics, and spending inordinate amounts of time on the internet. I'm so productive...
I wish I could write a really inspiring blog post, something brave or funny or cute, but instead I only have a set of boring and sarcastic words at my disposal.
My blood results have finally come up, and my neutrophils are now at 2.2, which means I'm officially out of neutropenia (after almost four weeks of it!) so I can actually get out and about. Whoop whoop!
So, Mum and I went to see The Great Gatsby in the cinema yesterday, and it was FABBY. Although I love Baz Luhrmann and Leonardo DiCaprio anyway, so I suppose I'm biased.
I have my hospital day tomorrow, and then my Leavers day on Friday, and then Saturday my sister comes back from France!! I'm so excited because I really miss her... Although I'm sure she's having far too much fun to miss me much! I'm so jealous she's getting all the good weather!
And of course it's my birthday soon. Le sweet sixteen! Finally... I mean, most of my friends are already sixteen... My tiniest friend, Phoebe, (that sounds weird and makes it seem like she's thumbelina, especially considering she's actually only a little bit shorter than me) now calls me 'titch' as even she is older than me. I love this pre-birthday period where I get more and more excited and the cards arrive and it's all preparing for the big day and oooh, just wonderful. But then when it actually gets to my birthday I suppose it'll be really anti-climatic. I have asked for a book on unicorn farming from my parents... So I'm excited to learn how to breed and keep unicorns.
Anyway, I'm so sorry I don't have more to say- I'm sure I will next week as so much is going on! But until then, adieu!
Much love,
Befuddled and excited for her upcoming sweet sixteenth Baldy <3

Sprummer time, and the living is uneasy...

Well hallo everyone! Is everyone having a nice Sprummer? Thats a mash up between spring and summer... Although actually it seems way more like winter at the moment, to be honest. The weather is awful.
So, what's been happening, you ask? Well. On Monday night I was admitted into hospital for, yes- you guessed it- coldsores. It's like Revenge of the red hot poker nose... So anyway, I had a small army of coldsores on my nose (which is horribly painful and slightly embarrassing) and had to be put on IV acyclovir as I was already on a prophylactic dose of it and that obviously wasn't working. It really didn't help that I was neutrapenic, so I felt grotty and ugh and just hid under my blanket in hospital like "UGH GO AWAY WORLD ASDFGHJK"... But then I got better on Wednesday and managed to play wii tennis with Lucy in the social area of the TCT ward, before going home on Thursday! Then on Friday, Mum went to Ireland, so it was just Lucy and Dad and I, and we kind of just watched TV and hung out...
Saturday. Well, that was an interesting day. We went downtown (which probably wasn't a good idea anyway because of the whole neutrapenia situation) but then when we were in a clothes store I sat down for a couple minutes because I was tired, and Lucy and Dad couldn't find me. They decided to leave the store to  look for me, and I stood up after a while and after not being able to find them, went into full panic mode (hyperventilating and everything) and ran up the high street looking for my family. Let me tell you, no matter how old I get- being lost in town without family and my phone is the most terrifying thing ever. I think I was more scared then than I have been when having massive needles and tubes stuck in my arm. I was a couple minutes off running back home with my arms flailing! Anyway, I ended up running into my Dad, who was looking for me too. And then Lucy hugged me and told me off for wandering off and worrying her. Which was adorable and totally put me in my place.
I'm going slightly crazy from not doing much, but I'm too tired to really do much. Also the neutrapenic issue. Everyone else has GCSE's at the moment (GOOD LUCK Y'ALL) which I'm actually strangely devastated that I'm not doing. And I'm slowly getting over the crippling fear of the high dose treatment that's looming over me. Although sometimes I have moments where I think about it and just think "OH DEAR NO WHERE SHOULD I RUN" but then that's silly so I just calm down and go on tumblr or something equally entertaining and uplifting. Sprummer time has really been the most uneasy time for me.
So it's been a very up and down week... Although now I'm just going to try and focus on having fun and being well-ish and generally try and get out of the house before a month long stint in hospital! Hopefully that includes an awesome birthday on the 28th and a great day out at the zoo on the 29th!
That was a much less uplifting blog post than I had anticipated. Oh well!
I hope you are all well, and that the awful weather isn't deterring you from eating lots of 99 ice creams, or wearing gorgeous sunnies with giant hats that look like they could hold the worlds oceans in their brim!
Much Love,
Befuddled, and very much in denial about what the future holds for her, Baldy <3

Morphing into a Mr Whippy

So, Friday I totally had my last dose of chemo- and that'll take me a couple weeks to recover from, but after that I'm free for roughly a month! Well, except for the tests and appointments I mentioned in a previous blog post! But still, a month off chemo is fabby, and I'm looking forward to not being neutrapenic and being able to eat all the salad and unpasteurised cheeses and Mr Whippy ice cream I want! Mwahaha, I shall go mad on Mr Whippy! In fact, I shall turn into a Mr Whippy!
Its Mums birthday today, so we're watching Gone With The Wind, all four hours of it. I think Scarlett is possibly the most annoying woman I have ever had to watch. I do like the grace of the southern belles though... Nibbles and movies, Mum wanted, but we might do something else tomorrow, considering it's a bank holiday!
Yesterday, my friend Thea (who I've known 13 years) came round, because Mum had a few friends over for bubbly and then out to tea. My cousin was here too, so we watched 21 Jump Street and generally giggled for hours, which I regret slightly now as my stomach is sore from laughing.
Tomorrow I start filming for the jimmyteens One Week in Cancer project! I'm really quite excited, it should be fun! Although I'm not sure my week will be very interesting, I don't have much planned- except from a hospital appointment on Friday! Although, Dad said we might go punting or to the coast to a funfair on Saturday! Mum's in Ireland, so its just Lucy, Daddy and I for the weekend!
Oooh, and of course my birthday is also coming up so hopefully I'm going to the zoo with some friends! I hope to go to Banham as there's a petting zoo, and nothing is more fun than petting zoos! Animals are the best, they're so cute, and so unable to hurt you while behind glass or bars... Yay!
I hope you are all well, I'll update you all about my hospital appointment and my week on Sunday!
Much love,
Befuddled and sore stomached from so much giggling Baldy <3

Proud Sisterly Behaviour

I am officially the proudest sister in the world. My sister and her friends went to a recording studio- and they recorded a demo of John Legends 'Ordinary People'...

I'm so proud of her. Really, I am. She doesn't want people to hear it but I shall find a way...
In other news, I've finished my fourth round of chemo, which means I now have about a month off treatment before high dose. I still have hospital appointments but they're just kidney function and lung function and echocardiogram tests... So they're not a big deal.
I'm not really up to much these days, I had a fever for most of last night after a drug called Dacarbazine was given (it causes flu like symptoms) and had crippling nausea for most of the night so I couldn't do much. Ah well. The things you have to do to get better, eh?
I'm also taking part in Jimmyteens 'One week in Cancer' video project, which is exciting and amazing! If any of you haven't heard of jimmyteens, they're an amazing website, with so many brave patients and survivors and family and friends. They really are inspiring and have actually helped me with some of my cancer fears! I highly recommend people check it out!
Anyhoo! I love you all, and will post again soon!
Much love,
Befuddled, pale and for some reason wanting spicy food but knowing it will hurt her later Baldy <3

Glorious Baldidity

Well... I'm officially the worst blogger ever. I'm terribly sorry I haven't kept you guys up to date, I've been busy with revision and work and sleeping and eating and curling up in the foetal position.
Anyway, not much has actually been happening, really. I've been preoccupied with chemo (which is not fun, as it turns out. Who would've thought it?) and generally being ill. I'm on my fourth round of chemo though- which means I am done the "easy" bit of this treatment regime! Also, I only have a couple more months of treatment to go, which is nice. Although knowing that those are going to be miserable months is not very nice. High dose does not sound like fun. Oh! And I'm being moved to adult oncology soon, as I'm going to be sixteen in a few weeks! That means I can do all sorts of stuff! Like buy a cow. Or a tractor. Or a scratch card! The latter seems more likely...
I had a hair appointment today. Yes, I do know I don't have any hair. It was for a wig... Let me tell you, having a wig-hair appointment is the weirdest thing ever. But it actually looks fab, so I'm really pleased! I can totally go out and people not know I'm ill now! It's real hair, which I thought would be creepy and had all these nightmare images in my head of the hair taking over my soul or something, but its actually so soft that I don't care. I could spend all day stroking it... I get the best if both worlds now! So when its all hot and sticky in summer (well, you never know, it COULD happen...) and you guys are all sweaty and uncomfortable with your hair and trying to tie it up so your necks don't get too hot, I'll just be chilling with my suncream covered glorious baldness all cool and relaxed. And then if its cold, I can totally put on my wig and be like the rest of you. So nuh. Plus I can totally draw on my head and do harry hill impressions better than y'all.
I've decided that the best new summer thing is breaking into song every now and then. Random moments, and just in the middle of anything- just burst into an uplifting song, it really does help with the moods.
Like, recently, I've either been singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth (a peoples favourite) and "Don't you forget about me" by Simple Minds... Although no one seems to get the fist pumping with that song.
Also, random jazz hands are a brilliant thing. I think it should be made a legality that at a certain time of day everyone in the country has to do jazz hands. It would be EPIC.
Anyway. Away from the nonsense! I'm really going to try to write more... I know I said that last time, but I think I have more to say now. I hope you are all well, and I love you all!
Goodbye for now,
Le Befuddled Baldy <3
Also, Matt is fabulous. None of you need to know who he is, or what he does. Just know, wherever you are in the world, that he is fabulous, and is made of unicorns and pixie dust and rainbows. Goodnight.