Le Sweet Sixteen

Hey there! How are y'all? Well, I hope you are all well. (That always sounds vaguely threatening... Sorry).
I've been meaning to write more on here, but the truth is I don't know what to say anymore. People say just to write down my dreams and aspirations and general feelings on here, but to be quite honest I don't know what my dreams and aspirations are anymore- I could be anything, go anywhere. As for my feelings, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I have such a mix of emotions that I have no idea which is which anymore. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a confusing thing. So I apologise for not writing, I just haven't the words.
My life at the moment pretty much consists of watching tv, reading comics, and spending inordinate amounts of time on the internet. I'm so productive...
I wish I could write a really inspiring blog post, something brave or funny or cute, but instead I only have a set of boring and sarcastic words at my disposal.
My blood results have finally come up, and my neutrophils are now at 2.2, which means I'm officially out of neutropenia (after almost four weeks of it!) so I can actually get out and about. Whoop whoop!
So, Mum and I went to see The Great Gatsby in the cinema yesterday, and it was FABBY. Although I love Baz Luhrmann and Leonardo DiCaprio anyway, so I suppose I'm biased.
I have my hospital day tomorrow, and then my Leavers day on Friday, and then Saturday my sister comes back from France!! I'm so excited because I really miss her... Although I'm sure she's having far too much fun to miss me much! I'm so jealous she's getting all the good weather!
And of course it's my birthday soon. Le sweet sixteen! Finally... I mean, most of my friends are already sixteen... My tiniest friend, Phoebe, (that sounds weird and makes it seem like she's thumbelina, especially considering she's actually only a little bit shorter than me) now calls me 'titch' as even she is older than me. I love this pre-birthday period where I get more and more excited and the cards arrive and it's all preparing for the big day and oooh, just wonderful. But then when it actually gets to my birthday I suppose it'll be really anti-climatic. I have asked for a book on unicorn farming from my parents... So I'm excited to learn how to breed and keep unicorns.
Anyway, I'm so sorry I don't have more to say- I'm sure I will next week as so much is going on! But until then, adieu!
Much love,
Befuddled and excited for her upcoming sweet sixteenth Baldy <3

Sprummer time, and the living is uneasy...

Well hallo everyone! Is everyone having a nice Sprummer? Thats a mash up between spring and summer... Although actually it seems way more like winter at the moment, to be honest. The weather is awful.
So, what's been happening, you ask? Well. On Monday night I was admitted into hospital for, yes- you guessed it- coldsores. It's like Revenge of the red hot poker nose... So anyway, I had a small army of coldsores on my nose (which is horribly painful and slightly embarrassing) and had to be put on IV acyclovir as I was already on a prophylactic dose of it and that obviously wasn't working. It really didn't help that I was neutrapenic, so I felt grotty and ugh and just hid under my blanket in hospital like "UGH GO AWAY WORLD ASDFGHJK"... But then I got better on Wednesday and managed to play wii tennis with Lucy in the social area of the TCT ward, before going home on Thursday! Then on Friday, Mum went to Ireland, so it was just Lucy and Dad and I, and we kind of just watched TV and hung out...
Saturday. Well, that was an interesting day. We went downtown (which probably wasn't a good idea anyway because of the whole neutrapenia situation) but then when we were in a clothes store I sat down for a couple minutes because I was tired, and Lucy and Dad couldn't find me. They decided to leave the store to  look for me, and I stood up after a while and after not being able to find them, went into full panic mode (hyperventilating and everything) and ran up the high street looking for my family. Let me tell you, no matter how old I get- being lost in town without family and my phone is the most terrifying thing ever. I think I was more scared then than I have been when having massive needles and tubes stuck in my arm. I was a couple minutes off running back home with my arms flailing! Anyway, I ended up running into my Dad, who was looking for me too. And then Lucy hugged me and told me off for wandering off and worrying her. Which was adorable and totally put me in my place.
I'm going slightly crazy from not doing much, but I'm too tired to really do much. Also the neutrapenic issue. Everyone else has GCSE's at the moment (GOOD LUCK Y'ALL) which I'm actually strangely devastated that I'm not doing. And I'm slowly getting over the crippling fear of the high dose treatment that's looming over me. Although sometimes I have moments where I think about it and just think "OH DEAR NO WHERE SHOULD I RUN" but then that's silly so I just calm down and go on tumblr or something equally entertaining and uplifting. Sprummer time has really been the most uneasy time for me.
So it's been a very up and down week... Although now I'm just going to try and focus on having fun and being well-ish and generally try and get out of the house before a month long stint in hospital! Hopefully that includes an awesome birthday on the 28th and a great day out at the zoo on the 29th!
That was a much less uplifting blog post than I had anticipated. Oh well!
I hope you are all well, and that the awful weather isn't deterring you from eating lots of 99 ice creams, or wearing gorgeous sunnies with giant hats that look like they could hold the worlds oceans in their brim!
Much Love,
Befuddled, and very much in denial about what the future holds for her, Baldy <3

Morphing into a Mr Whippy

So, Friday I totally had my last dose of chemo- and that'll take me a couple weeks to recover from, but after that I'm free for roughly a month! Well, except for the tests and appointments I mentioned in a previous blog post! But still, a month off chemo is fabby, and I'm looking forward to not being neutrapenic and being able to eat all the salad and unpasteurised cheeses and Mr Whippy ice cream I want! Mwahaha, I shall go mad on Mr Whippy! In fact, I shall turn into a Mr Whippy!
Its Mums birthday today, so we're watching Gone With The Wind, all four hours of it. I think Scarlett is possibly the most annoying woman I have ever had to watch. I do like the grace of the southern belles though... Nibbles and movies, Mum wanted, but we might do something else tomorrow, considering it's a bank holiday!
Yesterday, my friend Thea (who I've known 13 years) came round, because Mum had a few friends over for bubbly and then out to tea. My cousin was here too, so we watched 21 Jump Street and generally giggled for hours, which I regret slightly now as my stomach is sore from laughing.
Tomorrow I start filming for the jimmyteens One Week in Cancer project! I'm really quite excited, it should be fun! Although I'm not sure my week will be very interesting, I don't have much planned- except from a hospital appointment on Friday! Although, Dad said we might go punting or to the coast to a funfair on Saturday! Mum's in Ireland, so its just Lucy, Daddy and I for the weekend!
Oooh, and of course my birthday is also coming up so hopefully I'm going to the zoo with some friends! I hope to go to Banham as there's a petting zoo, and nothing is more fun than petting zoos! Animals are the best, they're so cute, and so unable to hurt you while behind glass or bars... Yay!
I hope you are all well, I'll update you all about my hospital appointment and my week on Sunday!
Much love,
Befuddled and sore stomached from so much giggling Baldy <3

Proud Sisterly Behaviour

I am officially the proudest sister in the world. My sister and her friends went to a recording studio- and they recorded a demo of John Legends 'Ordinary People'...

I'm so proud of her. Really, I am. She doesn't want people to hear it but I shall find a way...
In other news, I've finished my fourth round of chemo, which means I now have about a month off treatment before high dose. I still have hospital appointments but they're just kidney function and lung function and echocardiogram tests... So they're not a big deal.
I'm not really up to much these days, I had a fever for most of last night after a drug called Dacarbazine was given (it causes flu like symptoms) and had crippling nausea for most of the night so I couldn't do much. Ah well. The things you have to do to get better, eh?
I'm also taking part in Jimmyteens 'One week in Cancer' video project, which is exciting and amazing! If any of you haven't heard of jimmyteens, they're an amazing website, with so many brave patients and survivors and family and friends. They really are inspiring and have actually helped me with some of my cancer fears! I highly recommend people check it out!
Anyhoo! I love you all, and will post again soon!
Much love,
Befuddled, pale and for some reason wanting spicy food but knowing it will hurt her later Baldy <3

Glorious Baldidity

Well... I'm officially the worst blogger ever. I'm terribly sorry I haven't kept you guys up to date, I've been busy with revision and work and sleeping and eating and curling up in the foetal position.
Anyway, not much has actually been happening, really. I've been preoccupied with chemo (which is not fun, as it turns out. Who would've thought it?) and generally being ill. I'm on my fourth round of chemo though- which means I am done the "easy" bit of this treatment regime! Also, I only have a couple more months of treatment to go, which is nice. Although knowing that those are going to be miserable months is not very nice. High dose does not sound like fun. Oh! And I'm being moved to adult oncology soon, as I'm going to be sixteen in a few weeks! That means I can do all sorts of stuff! Like buy a cow. Or a tractor. Or a scratch card! The latter seems more likely...
I had a hair appointment today. Yes, I do know I don't have any hair. It was for a wig... Let me tell you, having a wig-hair appointment is the weirdest thing ever. But it actually looks fab, so I'm really pleased! I can totally go out and people not know I'm ill now! It's real hair, which I thought would be creepy and had all these nightmare images in my head of the hair taking over my soul or something, but its actually so soft that I don't care. I could spend all day stroking it... I get the best if both worlds now! So when its all hot and sticky in summer (well, you never know, it COULD happen...) and you guys are all sweaty and uncomfortable with your hair and trying to tie it up so your necks don't get too hot, I'll just be chilling with my suncream covered glorious baldness all cool and relaxed. And then if its cold, I can totally put on my wig and be like the rest of you. So nuh. Plus I can totally draw on my head and do harry hill impressions better than y'all.
I've decided that the best new summer thing is breaking into song every now and then. Random moments, and just in the middle of anything- just burst into an uplifting song, it really does help with the moods.
Like, recently, I've either been singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth (a peoples favourite) and "Don't you forget about me" by Simple Minds... Although no one seems to get the fist pumping with that song.
Also, random jazz hands are a brilliant thing. I think it should be made a legality that at a certain time of day everyone in the country has to do jazz hands. It would be EPIC.
Anyway. Away from the nonsense! I'm really going to try to write more... I know I said that last time, but I think I have more to say now. I hope you are all well, and I love you all!
Goodbye for now,
Le Befuddled Baldy <3
Also, Matt is fabulous. None of you need to know who he is, or what he does. Just know, wherever you are in the world, that he is fabulous, and is made of unicorns and pixie dust and rainbows. Goodnight.

The Patrick Stewart double act...

Hallo all!
Unfortunately this is just a brief post (sorry, I'm extremely flaky at the moment)- and it's to say that my wonderful aunt Binne and her boyfriend (everybody say oooooh) are shaving their heads for charity in April! So we shall all be befuddled baldys together! Although I don't think Binne and Mike fully understand how long it takes to choose suitable hats for every mood, and how cold their ears will get (VERY COLD, ITS SHOCKING)... But I think they're very brave and I love them immensely for what they're doing- they're the cooliest (it's totally a word, shhh). Also- Binne, I'm very sure you won't look like Kevin Spacey OR Patrick Stewart... Although that would amuse me muchly if you did, no offence. Love you's.
So here's a link if you would like to check it out, and they're raising money- so if you want to (NO PRESSURE GUYS...pressure pressure pressure... I'm joking.) please feel free to donate!
Love to you all, especially Binne and Mike,
Befuddled Baldy!<3

This be the lovely people!

and this be the VERY IMPORTANT LINK!!!! ------> http://www.mycharity.ie/fundPageTemplateX.php?urlRef=binne_mike_sudden_hair_loss

The Easter Bunnys Worst Nightmare

Well, hello there, wonderful people! How are you all? I am halfway through my second course of chemo at the moment, and it sucks. Majorly. The side effects are irritating, and not pleasant. Sore mouth, sensitive skin, tummy ache, nausea, trouble sleeping... Tis a wonderful journey.
Last time I refused to wear scarfs, as I thought they too obviously screamed 'CANCER', but this time I think its fairly obvious anyway, so I bought (when I say 'I', I mean Mum) a really pretty one from Accessorize... It has butterflies on it. In fact, I was wearing it the other day in Waitrose (whilst stocking up on ice tea and antibacterial hand gel) when it happened again. About a year ago, I posted a blog about some girl staring at me in Tesco (it always seems to happen in supermarkets...) and it happened again, in Waitrose, but worse!
So I was casually wheeling around the trolley, and this couple passed me- and because I was wearing the scarf and I was pretty pale, it was obvious I had Le Cancer. Anyway, this dude (in the aforementioned couple) just blatantly stared. This was fine, I just smiled and carried on. But, you know when somethings reeeaaally interesting or shocking, and you pretend to casually walk past it again just so you can stare again (come on, we've aaall done it)? Well, he did that. The awkward thing was that he did it twice. And I caught him staring both times. It was quite an awkward moment for both of us... Especially the third time, when I was holding a big easter egg adorned with butterflies that looked quite similar to my butterfly scarfed egg shaped head. I should probably just avoid supermarkets (while bald, I mean. I'm not turning into a recluse or anything.) from now on...
OOH! Speaking of! EASTER, yay! I mean, Easter on chemo kind of sucks, because chocolate pretty much tastes awful to me (I KNOW, IT'S TRAGIC) but it's still fun to see the world full of chocolate and see who gets sick of creme eggs first (nearly always me). Ooh, and easter egg hunts are fun! Although, Lucy and I were having a discussion about this, and about whether I'd be slightly sensitive to all the hype as my head is rather egg-like. We decided that if I were to get too bitter, I could always paint my head like an easter egg and hide in the bushes with just the top of it showing... And then as soon as an Easter egg Hunter found me- I could jump out and scream at them. Hence ruining Easter. I could be the opposite of the Easter Bunny... What eats bunnies? I could be the Easter Ferret! Thats a horrifying prospect...A bald painted girl jumping out at unsuspecting easter egg hunters claiming to be the Easter Bunnys worst nightmare... Hmm, although that does sound fun, it also sounds rather psychotic and mean, and I would never be able to paint my own head like an easter egg convincingly. Its a completely unrealistic plan. Anyhoo! I have to go now, I made homemade lemonade earlier (domestic goddess that I am...not) and it is properly chilled so I'm going to enjoy it. Or make others enjoy it for me. Either works for me! Much love to all you's!
Le Befuddled Baldy <3