"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness."

"An increase in light gives an increase in darkness." Sam Francis

"And introduce an element of cynicism and darkness into it and just realize that we're all vulnerable. We are humans. There is a finite end to this life and we're all going to face it and a little silliness can help." Alan Thicke


I guess as things get a bit better, my anxieties rise...I think it's because the better I get, the more relaxed I get; The higher I have to fall. 
Okay, people say that facing up and admitting your fears so I guess this could be a post about my ridiculous phobias! 

1. Arachnophobia- I HATE spiders, they have too many legs and creepy eyes and fangs...

2. Eremikophobia- I hate sand possibly more than I hate spiders...I hate the way it sticks to you. Its weird and creepy and feels HORRIBLE.

3. Ladelphobia- you already know this one, its Ladybugs. They're just unnatural, okay?

4. Achluophobia- Fear of darkness...I don't like it, it's smothering.
5. Agateophobia- Fear of insanity...just because my mind tends to be a bit overactive.
6. Agliophobia- Fear of pain, nearly everyone has this one, exluding masochists and weirdos.
7. Atychiphobia- Fear of failure...again, most people have some form of this...
8. Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored...I want to be remembered, I guess...especially if I die 'before my time'...
9. Autophobia- Fear of being alone... especially at night, for me. I don't like being alone much, I like to feel needed. 
9.  Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes...
10. Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria...this is like number nine- I HATE germs...I reaaally don't like being immuno-supressed. 
11. Cancerophobia or Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer...this one's kind of a given...
12. Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors, mostly either when Im alone or in the dark. I don't mind them half the time...
13. Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces...like MRI's... *shudder*
14. Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed...not SO much anymore...but still. If it wasn't essential, I wouldn't sleep.
15. Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns...come on, they're just plain creepy...past midnight they're just. not. funny! [matt ;) ..]
16. Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons...who isn't scared of demons? Especially our own demons...
17. Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting...inevitable, considering how much throwing up I've done over the past 9-10 months...
18. Hadephobia- Fear of hell...everytime I think of myself dying, I always think about redemption and my mistakes and whether I'll go to Hell. Because although I like reading books about it, I'm really not sure I'd like it as a life choice...Or death choice, if you like..
19. Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination...I hate germs. Eugh.
20. Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things....specifically death, or my own death- or zombies. 
21. Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill...I never want to be ill again...
22. Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams...Dreams are dangerous. 
23. Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays...not x-rays, but radiation causes cancer.
24. Russophobia- Fear of Russians...not being racist. Just a bad experience.
25. Satanophobia- Fear of Satan...only twisted people WOULDN'T fear him..
26. Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows...I don't like them. Especially when you can't tell where it's come from.
27. Somniphobia- Fear of sleep...it's not a good thing, I know. But sleep hasn't exactly given me a real reason to love it. Exept from the fact I need it...
28. Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs...I carry antibacterial gel EVERYWHERE.
29. Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying...like number 20, but actually dyING this time rather than just death.
[From here on I don't know the names of them...sorry!]
30. I am scared of disappointing people too much
31. I am scared of changing who I am into someone people don't like, or don't like as much. Or I'm worried that I've already changed...
32. I am scared of even numbers...don't even ask, I just can't stand them.
33. I'm scared of not knowing whats going to happen. I like to be in control.
Thats all I can think of right now... haha, ALL. 

I am soo superstitious, also...I HAVE to nod, and make the people with me nod, seven times whenever I see a lone magpie. I HAVE to wear black socks on Friday 13th. I HAVE to have as many odd numbers in my life rather than even. Even numbers freak me out.

I have probably shared waaay too much information, but hey- maybe this'll come in handy to my enemies *wink wink*!

Anyway, sorry it took so long to write, I feel a bit empty at the moment. Especially of inspiration.
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and really not so bald anymore Baldy <3 xoxo


PS- This piece is dedicated to two people...
1. Matt Hunter ;), an awesome friend who deserves a lot more than a Phobias post dedicated to him :')
2. Peebs Allsopp, who is also legendary and who I have always relyed on to just be crazy with me ;)
-Both of these I can forget the world with and just let go, but they also listen to me when I break down or when I complain or just when I need them...So for that I am eternally grateful...Thank you- and I would do the same for either of you, I promise :) <3 Love you guys!

Adjusting the Sails

"The Pessimist complains about the wind;
The Optimist expects it to change;
The Realist adjusts the sails."

I slam the upstairs window shut with a little too much force and a pain shoots through my finger and up my arm. I wince, and shake it out a bit, before collapsing on my parents King Size bed next to me, stomach first.
With a deep sigh, I roll onto my back and stare out at the moon outside. Tonight, it's a full yellow circle against a dark, navy sky. It's not yet quite pitch dark, even though its ten o'clock.
I close my eyes and imagine myself a sleek female werewolf, leaping out of the window and bounding off up the gallops outside our house- maybe even snacking on a horse or two.
I skip through the green fields, my eyes like nocturnal goggles- seeing anything and everything.
I feel the brambles scratch at my fur, pebbles fly up and hit me but I lift my head to the full, yellow moon- my eyes widening in awe and then narrowing wickedly. I was going to kill tonight. The sky grumbles stormily and I slip through the trees, silent and deadly- stalking fluffy, innocent sheep.
I growl furiously as I jump forward, my teeth spreading into a wolfy grin. Mid air, I find myself falling, pain shooting through my chest. What is this? I look down, searching for a stab wound, a dart, a silver bullet- anything! But there's nothing there...and as another pain shoots through- I jerk back to the real world, and my real life. Hissing, I sit up quickly and clutch my chest- panic rising in every inch of my body.
"You're okay, you're okay..." I whisper, but I didn't even fool myself. Still, I felt a bit better as the pain subsided. I look at Truffle, who had barely moved a muscle through it all.
"Selfish cat." I mutter, turning the light off, and head downstairs.
Taking one last envious look at the moon, I head towards the bathroom.
Wiping the cold water from my face, I look at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror- wondering how the hell all of this happened.
The cancer, then the leg problems...I turn away from the sad girl looking back at me, nothing like the powerful werewolf woman I had imagined.
Sighing again, I lean against the wall and tip my head back- my thoughts buzzing in my head like a swarm of bees, occasionally stinging when they felt like it.
One jumped out at me, more persistent than the rest. The Queen Bee, I guessed.
The chest pains, the night sweats, the snappy mood swings...the sadness. All my old symptoms were starting to come back...
'It's just the aftermath of chemo.' Positive me reassured me.
'The cancer's back- you're dying!!!' Negative me screamed frantically.
'Get it checked out, just in case. But don't get worked up about it.' Realist me murmurs softly. I ignore them all and choose to do what I always do with all my problems. Pretend they're not there until I absolutely can't ignore them any further.
Kicking the bathroom wall in frustration, I take a deep breath and put a smile on my face. The first attempt looks hysterical, so I tone it down a bit and head downstairs.
Bursting into the family room, and seeing noone in there, my facial muscles spring back into a frown and I flop onto the sofa, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Knackered, I let my eyes drift shut and try to forget all my stress- if just for now.

Much Love,
Befuddled and ABSOLUTELY KNACKERED [but attempting to fight through the tiredness] Baldy <3 xoxo

"I try to laugh about it...hiding the tears in my eyes.."

"Teenage Dreams, so hard to follow,

the broken hearts, the shattered chances,

the lumps of tears so hard to follow."

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed." Buddha.

I disagree [no offence, Buddha]. In life, you need fear to remind you that you are human. It is only when it consumes you, when you cannot sleep- when you find yourself internally screaming in pain and fear- only then does it make you weak. Being weak is nothing to be ashamed of...it shows us that we have flaws- we're not robots.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' " Eleanor Roosevelt

I guess that applies to me. Its just the looking the fear in the face AFTER the experience that I'm struggling with. What if it comes back? What if Im not accepted properly? Are people looking at me? Are people judging me? So many thoughts, all going through my mind at once- creeping into every crevice. I guess I'll just have to get over it, train myself to stop. But its harder than it sounds, not easy when its what you're thinking 24/7.
More later, Much Love,

Befuddled and scared, to be honest Baldy <3 xoxo

My Poetry Post! :)

Hey,
I've been writing some poetry and I wanted to shaare it! :) Its super depressing, but oh well.
This is just the first draft, and it's not that good...I need to edit and tweak it a bit...
Soo...Don't judge!

Balance, Balance
Looming over me
Holding the broken pieces
Of my sanity


Excuses, Excuses
Only having fun
Bitter taste of regret
Now I'm the guilty one


Silence, Silence
Calling out your name
Waiting, watching
But you never came


Tapping, Tapping
Of my fingertips
Excuses, apologies
Coming from your lips


But I'm all gone now
And it's your fault
You ask me how
But you never came.

Okay, so that was the first one. Now comes the darker second one.

Shadows, shadows
Whispering in my ear
Shadows, shadows
Feeding on my fear


Running, running
Always running to stand still
From all of those
Who would want to kill


Dreaming, dreaming
Always screaming
Frightening, frightening
Struck by lightening


Falling, falling
From under my feet
Darkness calling
Looking for fresh meat


Never thinking, always dreaming
Wake me up from this screaming
Empty eyes, empty soul
Fire inside, burns like coal.

Now I'm a little scared of posting it...These make me look a bit of a gothic weirdie...
Oh well....Hope you all are well!

Much Love,
Befuddled and worried about your opinions, but tell the truth or I won't be able to learn from my mistakes!!, Baldy <3 xoxo

The Creepy Comic Co.

Hey everyone,
This is just a short one!
I would like you all to check out this:

      http://www.olduns.blogspot.co.uk/

Its my crazy, creepy aunt and her equally creepy boyfriend [who looks a bit like Draco Malfoy]- and the blog is slightly creepy and a little weird and A LOT quirky, but is surprisingly enjoyable and thoroughly entertaining!!
Just take a look, and tell me what you think!! She's a budding young film producer/writer/artist, and is AMAZING!! Love you Binne ;)

Much Love,
Befuddled and guilty that she isnt writing more about her day [BUT WILL FILL YOU ALL IN SOON!!] Baldy <3 xoxo

Ego Tibi Maximus Gratias Ago

I was watching that programme; 24 Hours in A and E- and there were some really touching things said by not only the relatives- but by the Nurses and Doctors too. And some of the things they said really reminded me of my own situation.
A sweet one was a little girl was being wheeled in on a stretcher looking confused, scared and in a fair deal of pain. And her Dad held her hand and said: "You're going to be all right. You know what happens when things are bad? Daddys here." Reminded me of my own Father... Love you Dadda, and Im so glad that although Im 15, Im still your little girl <3 ...
And of course my own Mother- who I swear must be an Angel. Or at least some kind of amazing mythical creature, because I do not know of a braver, more inspiring woman. And quite honestly I have no idea how she has done everything that she has. She truly is a super woman. And I love her dearly, and think she deserves the most wonderful year to come- full of treats and relaxation!
      And then a nurse said about two minutes later on the programme; "...and you're really sick, and all you can think about is 'Am I going to live, am I going to die?'. Silly things go out the window, and ultimately whats important is realised: That you're loved. And that you are not alone."
That got me thinking. I don't think I ever truly said Thank You to all of you. Because throughout all of this, all of you- no matter what part of the world you were in- sent your love and good wishes and support, and to be quite honest without all of that; I couldn't have done it. A big Thank you to my Fabulous Grandma and Grandad who have been there throughout almost all of this and who we couldnt have done without- thank you so much for putting your lives on hold to help with everything. We are so so grateful to you and love you very, very much!! From the Neaves in New Zealand, to my Dad and his wonderful colleages in Qatar [Ghada, Haya, Sean, Manal and Ebtesam and Lucy especially], to all the Pupils and teachers of St Benedicts in Suffolk, to the Hingstons and McGanns in Essex to the Robertsons in St Albans, to the MacManamons [A huge thank you to everyone in Ireland who have all sent so much love and support. We really are grateful and couldnt have done it without you] to the Ericksons, Adlemans and Swyers in America- and EVERYONE else [there are WAY, WAY too many to name]:
                                                   
     THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR GETTING ME THROUGH THIS. Because I honestly would NOT have been able to do this without you. I owe you my life, in a way. Or at the very least my sanity and peace of mind.

I just wanted to say that, now that is all over. Because it is. I had my hickman line removal operation today and I now am as normal as Im ever going to be. I am SO relieved...a little bit nervous as I AM quite scared it might come back...but I can't live my life in fear of this disease so I am trying to work through it and think positively!
One other Thank You I must issue is to the huge Medical Team who SAVED MY LIFE.
It started off with Dr Gupta and Dr Silverston- two of THE most amazing GP's EVER...without whom I would never have been diagnosed, and also everyone at Oakfield Surgery in general for all your help and cooperation. Then theres Dr Birgit [Im sorry if I spelt it wrong], a paediatrician at Addenbrookes who sent me for the scans that diagnosed me. Then there is the radiotherapy team at Addenbrookes [I had mainly Laressa, Orla, Fiona, Michelle and Sophie] and they were AMAZING...along with the master blaster Nina, the chief Radiotherapy consultant Dr Mike Williams and his wonderful registrar Dr Izzy Maund [sorry about spelling...!] who REALLY helped with my sickness and I couldnt have done it without them.
And then the WONDERFUL nurses at PDU [Claire S, Joan, Suzanne, Zoe, Claire, Maria, Jenny and all the other wonderful nurses- Im sorry I couldnt name you all!]. Not to forget the WONDERFUL Play Leaders...Judith, Carol, Angela and Karen- all lovely ladies!! [And of course Beryl and Halina who were always there and friendly...] A shout out aswell to all the wonderful and amazing nurses on C2 Ward, who are truly amazing and who really looked after me whenever I was there. And Mick the chef on C2 Ward... And I would also like to shout out to the lovely staff on the Day Surgery Ward who I only met once today, but who made the operation to get the hickman line out an overall pleasant experience, which is weird because it's an op! Thank you also- [wow, so many Thank you's!]- to Maggie the education lady who gave me endless wordsearches and crosswords when I asked and kept my brain from turning completely to mush while I was in hospital!! And also thank you to Angela the psychologist, who I was adittedly sceptical about but who turned out to be a great help and managed to cool some of my anger and anxiety and calm me down a great deal after chemo and during radio- when I most needed it. So thank you...
And then of course all fantastic nurses at West Suffolk Hospital- Pregnant Liz [sorry..], Other Liz, Rachel, Lorraine, Hazel, Julia, Rebecca, Jo, Jess, Stacey...and Im sure many, many others but Im not THAT good with names....And of course my AMAZING community nurses Steph Rolf [is that how you spell it? Sorry...!] and the fabulous Jo Rackham who will be sorely missed as a community nurse...Even though Ive finished treatment... And not to forget Melanie Clements, who got to deal with me unfortunately when I wasnt in the most pleasant of moods [sorry about that..]. Thank you to my wonderful surgical team- mainly Dr Claire Jackson, for managing to reach my tumour without moving and messing around with my ribs- and giving me such clean scars. And thank you to my anaesthetists, who sent me to sleep so nicely- and woke me up in an equally pleasant manner... And thank you to Jodie, who always managed to find ways to achieve my stupid requests about surgery or wheelchairs- Thank you...

Now come the Oncologists. A HUGE thank you to; Dr Richard and Dr Karina the registrars, Dr Boo Messabel [who tried desperately to find an effective anti-emetic but to no avail, and to whom I am grateful to for even searching after so many failed attempts. Thank you..], Dr Ramya Ramanujachar [who left Addenbrookes but was there for over a quarter of my treatment and really helped me], Dr Mike Gattens [helped me briefly when I was in a state after radiotherapy, and was absolutely lovely], and of course my wonderful and probably really exasperated main oncologist who is most likely relieved I am through with treatment so I can't pop up with some other ridiculous side effect to moan at him for [wink wink]- Dr James Nicholson. Thank you, James- especially for not slapping of pinching me when I came whining and whinging with yet ANOTHER stupid side effect or anxious round of questions... Second to last, I would like to thank the FANTASTIC Dr Katherine Piccinelli, who always managed to come up with efficient, effective plans that really suited me...and didnt mind that I detested sedatives- or REALLY didnt show it if she did. And who also managed to find a couple of drugs, always went through side effects with me and is not only one of the nicest doctors I know- but is also one of the nicest people. And I know she was very comforting to my Mum too, which is nice... And I haven't forgotten the lovely Dr Amos Burke, who I didnt particuarly like initially as he got the unfortunate job of breaking the news...but am a HUGE fan of now- and who I have to say is one of the wisest Doctors I know, has been right about EVERYTHING [minus the MST...] and to whom I owe my life. I will never forget what all of you above people have done for me- and I just wanted you to know just how much I respect what you do, and how you do it. Truly, these past nine months have really and truly restored all my faith in Humanity and I owe you all not only my sanity, my life now- but for years to come, all the things that I will do and be able to do...I will be able to do them because of what you did for me these last nine months. I could go on and on, but I think you get what Im trying to say...

I love you all...and am truly humbled for what all of you have done for me...Friends, Family, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, Teachers...and even Strangers.... There may not be hocus pocus magic in this world....but there is certainly magic in the way a human being loves another human being....
[That sounded cringingly cheesy... ;) ..]

Much love to you all....
Befuddled, humbled and never been happier to be alive, Baldy <3 xoxo

Ladelphobia: Fear of Ladybirds! ;)

First of all- I would like to thank everyone for sending me Birthday wishes [I cannot believe I forgot that in my last post, I am so sorry!] and also in general for all the love and kindness people have shown throughout all of this. I would also like to thank Sean Groenewald (Im really sorry if I spelt it wrong!) for the amazing Zulu beaded badge he got for me. Although I am not actually in possession of it [YET] I already feel much safer and loved...especially by the Zulus. Even though, admittedly, all I know of the Zulus is that they're South African? But thank you...it's gorgeous! And as soon as Dad is able to give it to me- I shall put it on my shirt! Well...shirts. I don't just own one shirt...that would be kind of gross...And actually, they're Dads shirts because mine don't quite fit and aren't as comfy. And Mums are too girly [and not as plain, in a good way].

Okay, well. Today I'm going to write a more factual post. About me. I was reading through my blog posts, and discovered that although I do write constantly about myself [selfless is not a word in the Lily-Dictionary] I have not actually said anything about my character in great detail. So I thought now is as good a time as any- especially since it's my sixteenth year and things have changed.

Full Name: LILY WILHELMINA ANDERSON
Date of Birth: 28-05-1997
Star sign: GEMINI
Parents: MARK P. ANDERSON AND ISEULT A.H. ANDERSON
Siblings: LUCY I. ANDERSON
Favourite colour: DUCK EGG BLUE/ TURQUOISE/ RED
Favourite Food: HAS A NEW FOUND A NEW OBSESSION FOR POTATO WAFFLES, BUT REALLY LIKES CRAB CAKES AND SCAMPI ALSO
Favourite drink: HOT MILK [ORANGE J20, GINGER ALE OR SUNNY D ARE ALSO HIGH UP]
Favourite animal: IS STILL A TOSS UP BETWEEN FROGS AND OWLS
Least Favourite colour: SLUDGE BROWN
Least Favourite food: PICKLE, BEETROOT, OCTOPUS, SQUID, ANY KIND OF ANIMALS INTESTINES OR BLACK PUDDING TYPE THING
Least Favourite drink: SMOOTHIES- THEY'RE WEIRD.
Least Favourite animal: LEOPARD SEALS, KILLER WHALES, SWANS, SHARKS OR LADYBUGS. THEY'RE ALL CREEPY.
Dream job: WRITER, IDEALLY- BUT 'TIS UNREALISTIC
Achievement most proud of: BEATING CANCER!
Biggest Fear: THAT THE ABOVE WILL COME BACK....OR SPIDERS.
Hobbies: WRITING, SWIMMING, READING, ARTY STUFF AND HORSE RIDING
Favourite TV programme: MADE IN CHELSEA/ COME DINE WITH ME [DONT ASK...]
Favourite movie: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU [with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles] FOLLOWED BY ROMEO AND JULIET [claire danes/leonardo dicaprio]
Favourite actor: HEATH LEDGER OR JOHNNY DEPP
Favourite actress: JULIA STILES OR SANDRA BULLOCK
Celeb crush: FOR ACTORS(Johnny Depp....or a young Heath Ledger [maybe Channing Tatum or Liam Hemsworth]) ---- FOR MUSIC(Brendon Urie for sure..)
Favourite BOY band: THE BEATLES [Although I do love me some P!ATD...(Panic!At the Disco)]
Favourite Band: THE BEATLES, P!ATD, PARAMORE, MUSE, THE HOOSIERS
Favourite singer: REALLY LIKING KATE BUSH ATM...AND BOB MARLEY...AND EMILE SANDE...
Embarrassing crush: DONT LOOK HIM UP BUT LAWRENCE FOX. HES TOTALLY GROSS BUT HAS A NICE PERSONALITY AND IS WEIRDLY MARRIED TO BILLIE PIPER..
Strange or startling: URM...I DONT LIKE SWANS AFTER BEING BITTEN BY ONE ON MY LITTLE FINGER AS A KID WHILE TRYING TO FEED THEM, ANDI FIND LADYBUGS REALLY DISTURBING [THEY FLY AND PEE ON YOU AND HAVE WEIRD BLANK EYES]- ALONG WITH SMOOTHIES [I DONT LIKE THE WAY THEY ARE NOT A FOOD AND NOT A DRINK BUT SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN], HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH 80'S MUSIC, LOVE TO WRITE- ESPECIALLY FICTIONAL STORIES WITH SARCASTIC HEROINES AND HAVE  RECENTLY BECOME A BIT OBSESSED WITH MARIOKART DS. ALSO I CARRY AROUND A FLUFFY SHEEP TOY WHO I HAVE NAMED SHEEPY THE THIRD EVERYWHERE- ALONG WITH TWO FAT GINGER CAT TOYS, A RAG DOLL, A FLUFFY WHITE SEAL, A FAT FLUFFY ALLIGATOR AND A FLUFFY WALRUS. AND I HAVE A GRUMPY PET CAT CALLED TRUFFLE WHO I SUSPECT IS ON THE VERGE OF FELINE DEPRESSION. THE END.

So yeah, thats pretty much me in a nutshell! Although not really because the only nutshell I would fit in is the smallest pub called the Nutshell in Bury. And even then it would be a squeeze...!
Hope everyone is A-Okay, and thank you again for all your love and support!

Much Love,
Befuddled and now very much outed Baldy ;) <3 xoxo