The Insight

Im so sorry that I haven't written. But, I actually have just had nothing to say. I've been waiting for some spark of inspiration but nothing comes. And I still have nothing to say. Im sorry folks.
Life is just...difficult at the moment. Everything seems to just take twice as much effort..and I seem to get less pleasure out of everything. Its kind of sad, but I guess its just cos Im tired.
Im lonely, too. This sounds selfish, but no-one apart from my close family get just how HARD this is for me, and how miserable it all is because they never see it. And I dont even know if they WANT to...
But to whoever is reading this: I dont want your pity, but I DO want you to understand...
Cancer is AWFUL. It is the single hardest, most horrific thing I have ever had to experience. On average, I cry at least once a day. Im in pain almost every second of every day. I get on average three good hours of sleep a night and I haven't been comfortable in six months. I have almost absolutely no dignity left and I have lost all my looks [no matter how many times people tell me im beautiful, I still feel unattractive]. Im lonely, and Im not allowed to do SO many things. I feel abnormal. Hopefully now some of you will see that although I DO put on a brave face and try to act like normal- I am in HELL. There wasn't much point in telling you all of that but I wanted everyone to understand. And no matter how many times people tell me what a brave girl I am- the only reason I am doing this sometimes is because I have NO CHOICE. And for my Mum and Dad.

Anyway, also a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my amazing, wonderful, inspirational Father- who turns the big five-oh tomorrow!! I love you more than words can possibly express, Daddy. Happy Birthday!!!!

Much Love folks,
Befuddled and finding Life more challenging than usual Baldy <3 xoxo

Anyone part of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club...?

Well, Im in a slightly better mood than before. Not as sick, and not as miserable. Though getting into the selfish "Why Me?" phase of the illness, I fear...Oh dear.
I wont talk for long, as I have a few Valentines Cards to finish off...wink wink, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has offered me support through the past couple of weeks through the bad news, and the sickness..
And a big thank you to my Mum, Dad, Sister, Grandma and Granda for being AMAZING these past few days and weeks, and months!! Love you all to bits!!
Much Love,
Befuddled and considerably brighter Baldy <3 xoxox

PS; My love to all the lonely Hearts for tomorrow!! ;) I have baked pink cupcakes for my friend and I to scoff our lonely faces with... :)

Hell in a Nutshell.

IM IN MY OWN PERSONAL HELL.

1. Non stop vomiting
2. Misery
3. No escape
4. Endless pain

So, thats my week. Hope you are all well.
Befuddled and absolutely considering whether the real Hell would be better than this Baldy ...

"Cancer is a word, not a sentence."

"Cancer is a word, not a sentence." John Diamond.

"If you're going through Hell, keep going." Winston Churchill.

I was searching the web yesterday for quotes, as my nerdzilla side came out...and I found these wonderful quotes! And I also found this wonderfully charming quote, which reminded me slightly of my own wonderful Christopher Hingston:

"My veins are filled, once a week with a Neapolitan carpet cleaner distilled from the Adriatic and I am bald as an egg. However I still get around and am mean to cats." John Cheever, 1982.

That one's my particular favourite...although I have no idea why anyone would want to be mean to cats! And I'm sure my friend Matt would agree. I don't know which he loves more: cats ears or his girlfriend, Laura...hehe.
Unless they were a horrible, mean breed of cats...or a mean and ugly breed of cats. But I haven't come across an entire breed of ugly, mean cats yet. Maybe this John Cheever fellow had some sort of traumatic experience with cats when he was a kid or something...who knows?
Anyhow, I'm now back on chemo. The first chemo day was awful, and I threw up violently. Which was actually quite surprising- as I haven't thrown up cos of that since...well- since the first cycle! But then the vomiting ebbed into severe nausea (which was worse, in a way) but now it's just a dull nauseous ache in my head and tummy. Not pleasant, but I can deal.
And of course, the joint and muscle pain is starting up again. Especially in my back and knees. As usual. The physiotherapist at Addenbrookes, Laura, has given me some physio exercises to do at home. I don't do them as often as I should, and Mum gets a little cross at times because I'm not helping myself- but I'm so tired...and this procarbazine chemo they have me on MUST be messing with my hormones as the mood swings are ridiculous. I'm okay one minute, then I'm knackered, then I'm weeping uncontrollably the next moment. Which, I guess, could be my mental health breaking down- but I doubt it, as I haven't tried to harm myself yet...haha. Not that the cancer and the chemo isn't doing enough of that for me! But, yeah. So, making little jokes like that help...as you might have guessed. Being sarcastic and snappy helps too. Not other people, of course. But it helps me. God, that sounds so selfish- doesnt it? Sorry.
Singing helps, too. I like to sing...especially when I can relate to the lyrics, or when I particularly like the lyrics. I don't know whether I can actually sing...or whether I'm rubbish- but, to be honest, I don't really care. I love singing, and it makes me feel good. Sure, after a while, it hurts- cos the chemos messed up my throat, but it makes me feel amazing for a brief amount of time...and that's GREAT. I don't care that I feel crappy for a while if I sing. And sure, it won't get rid of my anxieties, and I can't constantly sing to make myself feel good all the time. But it's a start. It's a start...
Anyhow, I have to go now...but I just wanted to share one more quote I found. I was actually amazed that I found a quote that matched my mood a bit! Anyhow...happy learning, my children!

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." Emory Austin.

Much love!!
Befuddled and singing to herself Baldy <3 xox

I need to go to Glitter Rehab...

Okay, I think I may need to go to glitter rehab!! Not only was I wearing it today, but so were all of my friends too...after I had attacked them with my 'Fairy Dust'... Today was school photo day, but it was rather disappointing...no class photos, or year photos. And in the end, we didnt even get to have a friend photo taken because they were packing up when we went. Though, my fabulous fairy friends cheered me up by taking wonderful photos on their phones of all of us... :) In fact, I'll put one up!
Anyhoo, I glitter-fied a load of people, including boys! They all looked so prettyful... :D
And I wore my pink wig!! But then it got hot and itchy, so I took it off and glitterfied my head instead... yay!
Today was such a nice day...I feel content..for once! And tomorrow will be my last day back at school before I am back on chemo...so sad. So, Im going to make the most of it and have fun tomorrow :) Hopefully it will be a good day!
Anyway, Im going to go- this was only a short post! Love you all- people at school especially...Peebs, Bec, Laura, Eleanor, Evie, Matt, Jordan, Ben and Toby :) <3 [and Ryan, Lawrence and other Ben.. ;)]
Much Love,
Befuddled but utterly loved by her wonderful friends Baldy <3 xox
PS- and to my girlies: Mwah, Mwah!! ;) x

SCHOOL PHOTO DAY!! :D

So. I had a full day at school today! It was exhausting, but fun...And it was nice, you know- to be a bit more normal...It was nice to see all my friends too, considering that I wont see them for a bit because I'll be on chemo...eugh.
They had a special mass this morning aswell, which was actually lovely. Normally I find mass boring [no offence] but this mass was really nice! They mentioned me a lot, which didnt make me at all big-headed...teeheehee...and they even mentioned this blog...so hello new readers who were at the mass this morning!! :) Hope you enjoy reading this blog...
So, I had english twice today, same with maths...and one lesson of science and one of History...yay... It was funny at lunch though, as me and Peebus were pretending to be Matt and Laura- who are nauseatingly cute/cuddly at the moment. Matt: You are a friend thief!!! And you will get your come-uppance for stealing our Laura!!! Grrr!
Im dreading Thursday...Im just starting to feel good and slightly normal again and now I have to go back to bloomin Hospital to be pumped full of toxic liquids!! Plus, it always makes me feel so nauseous- and the steroids make me puffy, fat, irritable and sore. Not to mention overwhelmingly hungry...I mean- we have to constantly go to Tesco for more food because Ive managed to eat a whole weeks worth of shopping in one day...And to make it even worse, Im always tired because I have to take my last dose of drugs at midnight- and then  I have to wake up at ,like, 7 to take my first dose...Thank goodness Im allowed to go back to sleep again.
The good news is that tomorrow is school photo day! Normally I would physically cringe and shy away from the thought/mention of that- but this year is different! Im going to wear my pink wig and gorgeous eye make up and my new shimmery red lipgloss. Its going to be Amazing!!!! Yay!!
And then the nurse, Jo, is coming at half three...Awh, Im so excited for tomorrow!
And now Im going to go because Im a saddo and I watch 'Come Dine with Me' [dont judge me...] and I have a chocolate buttons ice cream and a packet of hubba bubba waiting for me!
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and totally psyched for tomorrow Baldy <3 xox  

Nothing wrong with a bit of Retail Therapy! ;)

Okay, sorry about that rant in the last post...and sorry to those I offended. I didnt mean any harm. I just got so frustrated at everything...Im so tired of being different. Before this all happened- I wouldve jumped at the chance to be unique. But now that Im unique for all the wrong reasons, its horrible. I havent been very moody or angry since this whole illness started and I think Im allowed one unreasonable temper fit, considering the circumstances. And I feel so guilty because everyone around me is suffering and its essentially my fault. My Mum is exhausted, my sister is feeling neglected, my Dad is upset and tired and thats just a dent in the long list of people who are effected by my cancer. And to all those people: Im sorry. Honestly, I didnt mean to do this. And I promise, if any of you ever get ill or are in need of help or support- I'll be there!

Anyway, , I'm going into school tomorrow. Theyre holding a mass and I think its dedicated to me or something. Which is nice...But its at 9 in the morning, and Im not so good with mornings. Not to mention the fact I have to bring one of my meds in if I want to survive the day... Not to mention its always boiling in those rooms and that means I cant wear my jumper. And then another problem arises as the only comfortable bras I own show through the school top, so I have to wear my white bra and that means Im uncomfortable for the whole day. But, on the upside- we went out shopping today [a little retail therapy never hurts], and bought new school trousers so at least I wont be wearing a skirt that doesnt fit me.
Mum also bought me some black card and a set of two pens- gold and silver that show up beautifully on the gold. Ive already used up four sheets of the card in making Valentines cards!
And then, when we went into TK Maxx to look for boots for me, as my old ones pinch and are falling apart- and my new-ish ones can only be worn with tights [and not socks] otherwise I cant get into them. Anyway, as we were looking around TK Maxx- Lucy suddenly went "Hey, Lily! Check this out! It's just your style!" and pulled over this gorgeous little hardcase suitcase. It was bright green with a big friendly looking frog on it! I practically drooled on it! She then disappeared off with it, and came back minutes later telling me the suitcase was mine, and that Mum would buy it for me! We're going to use it for going into hospital, as its only diddy! On the way up to the house, we grabbed a sausage roll for lunch- and Luce got a packet of quavers. We watched the amazing Call the Midwife again tonight- written by the wonderful Heidi Thomas/McGann, and starring the awesome Steve McGann...It really is a very good programme! If any of you havent seen it, go to BBC One at eight o clock on a Sunday...
Anyhoo, seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow- I'd better go to bed. Once again, sorry about the rant [and sorry Daddy xox]...Im much calmer now.
Lots of Love,
Befuddled and wondering what came over her Baldy <3 xox